b3ta.com user Mart No Fool
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Lilypie Next Birthday Ticker

If you wish to contact me for some reason, I'm on [email protected]

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» Putting the Fun in Funeral

This hasn't actually happened to me

I work at a crematorium. We have approx 3000 services a year across two crems. I work at the bigger one.

We get all sorts of weird requests, but a few weeks ago someone had the birdy song played on exit.

Also, talking to a funeral director yeterday, she had a man in, wanting to play "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead" for his mother's funeral. Somthing about not being accepted as a homosexual. No bitterness at all though it seems.

I'll be thinking of more now
(Thu 11th May 2006, 16:43, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

It all started back in college
I met a girl in a chatroom. Back when I failed college twice (in a row) because I developed a little internet addiction (I'm cured now, kinda). I got quite friendly with this person, and we kept in touch. For a few years. Well, she said she lived in Scotland, and she sounded uber hot on the phone. Well, she started to get a bit possessive. I told her that I wasn't interested when she said she was coming down for a bit of hoohaa. I mentioned that my friend was single though, and as I knew he was a bit desperate, I passed his number on. Well, it comes to the time she arrives in Brum, and I go round my mate's flat.

She turns out to be a bit of a psycho. She bought two suitcases for her journey. Now bearing in mind she hadn't really met either of us, and we'd lost contact fro 12 months-ish previous to catching up and meeting; one small suitcase was filled with a few clothes, underwear etc. One large suitcase filled with whips, paddles, lingerie, 4 pairs of handcuffs, chocolate body paint, strawberry body paint, masses of condoms, a couple of wooden canes, and more. Seems she had something on her mind.

As if that isn't just a little creepy, she went out after sleeping there the first night (I presume she slept at some stage), she goes into the city centre with my mate's keys, and has a copy cut for her. Then applies for a credit card at his address. A council flat, somewhere she has no credit history, and a very poor one from previous tennants.

Suffice to say, she went after a couple of days. I haven't heard from her since. I can't think why
(Wed 22nd Mar 2006, 9:27, More)

» I witnessed a crime

I told of my crime....
but being the 8 year old attention seeking whore I was (hey, I'm 25 now and I still crave attention, but I've calmed down a lot) I had a tendency of lying. I know most kids do, but I doubt to this extent. Call it being an only child, call it a bad neighbourhood, being fat and bullied. I dunno. I don't like to assess my history. It's best staying where it is you know?

Anyway, apologies for my interruption. I was 8 or something similar and I lived in a crappy area. It wasn't terrible, but it had potential to be (and since has started to go badly with all the scummy kids). I thought I would play on this. Being the one for lying, I told a kid at school that I'd been approached by someone. I dunno why, I just thought it might be a tall tale we could laugh about. So, I told this guy Greg, and he seemed a bit impressed. Rock and roll. So told another kid, got some more gleeful looks. Cool.

Now, when I was young I used to go to school by my aunt, and she used to take me and pick me up from school as parents worked in City centre early/late and collected me from there on way home. So one morning I told her about my approachment for some strange reason. I thought it might be cool, hoping for the same kind of reaction, which I thought I got.

So, next evening, while I'm sitting in my room playing something, we had visitors. I was called down and it was two Police Officers. Wow, cool, I've never seen a copper close up. They seemed really friendly. Wanted to ask me about this 'man' I'd saw. "oh poop" thought I, now backed in to a corner in my mind because I've either got myself in a situation I will be found out in, or I'm gonna make up some random shit to try and remember so I could at least be semi-believable.

I was scared of my mom (and was for many years after. She passed away less than a year ago, and it still burns me that i was an ungrateful shit for so long) so I went with the 'make up something'. I wasn't a great liar under pressure though. I described some vague clothing, beard, greyish hair. "Was he wearing a hat?" Actually YES, this figment of my imagination was now wearing a hat. It was chequered..... "Really? A baseball cap, a flat cap?" No, I decided, or only knew one type of hat at the time and told them it was a chequered bowler hat. Now, I have forgot parts of this since, but I'm fairly sure they didn't ask me any more questions when I told them it was a bowler hat. I think at that point they sensed a false witness. I also think my parents did, but I'm not sure because we've never discussed it since, and I've never told them I lied.

It has played on my mind so long though because I feel so (a) ashamed for lying to that extent (b) embarrased for coming up with such bullshit story although I was young and hadn't a wealth of knowledge (c)amused that it went that far. Shit I'm such a twisted cunt sometimes.

Thanks for reading, and I know it's kind of off topic, but I did witness a crime, honestly.... Do you like me?? hee hee
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 0:17, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

For Downill without brakes

The process of producing a diamond (not what it's called, but is in the same theory) is possible. They use the carbon from the cremated remains to produce a gem, which can be used as a normal gem in jewellery etc.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 10:27, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

another. Not so much funny, but f'ing cool!

Heard through the grapevine that one guy didn't have any speakers, no celebrants or nothing. The family walked in, sat down, and then the organist put a Jimmy Hendrix album on for the whole service.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 16:49, More)
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