b3ta.com user Jumper
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» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

Women are hores.
I tried being pleasent to a girl all night and , predictably, got nowhere. So I began to ignore her and when she started to chat again I lost all repect for her. Deciding that being a total prick was what she deserved I looked her in the eye declaring "Look - I'm done with fucking about. Why don't you let me push a mars bar up you"
Amazingly she got up in silence and I led her to my room. I did the deed and then - because I was feeling invincible I made her bend over while I quickly pushed a small toblerone up her bumhole. She shrieked and ran from the room.......leaving half a triangular chocolate bar in my hand.
(Mon 16th Apr 2007, 11:57, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

trashed train and anal pain
After a rewarding week of wiping bums at a camp for "physically challenged" children I had to get a train from liverpool to cambridge. A week spent up to the elbows in crap and not sleeping had left me feeble in the immune system and as we sat having our helpers meal before leaving I felt the world trying to squirm out my ass. When it did go I consoled myself with the thought that in a few hours I could get nuts deep in my woman. By the time I got on the train I had begun to hullucinate and the pain in my bowels felt like a bleach bum rinse. I begged the conductor to point me to the toilet "Can't use that lad - it's all shitted out. Someones blocked it"
"But.....I'm ill.....your going to have a bigger problem if I don't get in...."
No joy - fat cunt. Told me if I shat on his train then I'd be walking and staring a big fine in the face. So I sat there and within an hour I began to shout at kids who weren't there. Some bloke who thought I was a junkie leaned over and said "are you all right?"
"ff..f..f..foo..dd..d pooiissionning"
"well we'll be there in an hour son - hold on"
Which is the precise moment the train stopped because some lazy bastard had chosen to kill himself on the tracks instead of making the effort to go to the top of a building. cunt. so we were stuck - for a good many hours. I kept passing out and of the brief moments of clarity I had I remember only my girlfriend picking me up and failing to screw her because I was too worried about spurting a shit fountain with every grunting pump.
(Thu 7th Sep 2006, 14:13, More)

» Karma

My childhood bullies
were total cunt's. To the point that I took up martial arts Batman style as a child with the sole intent of beating the shit out of them at a later stage. This did not happen - what did happen was one guys brother died of cancer and the other guys brother got stabbed to death. The former is now a wreck of an alcoholic with a fugly woman with two kids from a previous wreck of a marrige. Every time I think of this I get a warm feeling. Still might petrol bomb his car though - cunt.
(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 12:40, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

dirty dog
I work in a respectable academic lab across from a booze hound Russian research scientist. Only yesterday while we were all getting ready to do a graduation precesion the good Dr left the room to grab a sobering coffee. While he was gone my mate closed his still running e-mail to reveal a man being done up the arse by an Alsation. Hard. We reopened the window and left it on there. Whatever gets you through the day comrade.
(Wed 15th Feb 2006, 13:47, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

could've nailed her
pulled a girl I was lecturing after a messy breakup. We got in bed and I went "I'm either tired or horny - lets try horny" before going down on her. Then right as she dragged me up to seal the deal I got a stupid costly moment of remorse and thinking of my lost love. Like a twat I said "I think I'm tired after all" and rolled over and went to sleep. Stupid Stupid bastard! She was very hot. Left the next day in silence. If your out there......Im so sorry.
(Thu 5th Oct 2006, 12:50, More)
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