» World's Sickest Joke

oh dear...
what do you call a double jointed quadroplegic in a wheelchair?

a transformer


1st post, go easy...
(Tue 6th Dec 2005, 19:05, More)

» Conversation Killers

Probably bindun, but I'll add it to the pot...
Was working in (the now no longer with us) Time nightclub in Bangor, and this lad Adrian (for that was his name) came up to the bar, sporting a bleach blond crew cut. Bear in mind that he used to work with me, and was a good laugh, I ribbed him immediately, and he responded with a word that will stay with me to my grave.

Me: "Ello mate, fuck, haven't seen you in ages!! What's with the Eminem haircut?"

Adrian: "Cancer."
(Fri 13th May 2011, 0:41, More)

» Stuff I've found

Another money story with a twist
Working in a nightclub, you always find loose change at the end of the night, a good treasure hunt can yield a fiver in change, or a pack of smokes back in the days before the ban.

One wonderous/iffy night, I did find a lovely brand spanking new £20 note under a table... held down with a jam rag. A used one no less, and she was ragging like a bastard.

Good job I had that bucket of hot water, laundered that twenty right up
(Fri 7th Nov 2008, 11:02, More)

» Common

Living on Anglesey, I spend most of my time in Bangor...
We get the best chavs ever - i even studied them for my (half-arsed) degree.

Our chavs wear the tracksuits, float round in packs, perch a cap on the absolute back of their head at some impossible angle, fight any normal person if they look twice, the usual things these gobshites do.

But NOW, NOW!! they even walk around town with their hands down the front of their pants. I don't know if they're keeping it warm, or practising their counting skills, but you want common? Come to Bangor
(Thu 16th Oct 2008, 18:47, More)

» Flirting

A long, long time ago (2000ish)
I was in the pub with 2 mates of mine, my brother, his missus, and her mate Elle*. Night went on, bit of chatting, this and that, you know how it goes.
As we're leaving, Elle pulls me to one side and asks
"Where are you going now?"
As I was seeing someone at the time (we're not all bastards), I said "I've got to walk home. It's 5 miles, but there's 3 of us, it's OK."

"Would you like to come back for a coffee?"
[this needs NO translation, ever.]

[Apart from my testicles, who said:]

"No thanks, I don't drink coffee."

Quick as a flash, she responds with "cup of tea?"
[You can't get more in than that]

[Unless the balls respond:]

"I'd love to, but it's a long walk home, we'd better get going"

It's not that my mates gave me a hiding for being a stupid twat, it's more that the girl I was being faithful to was seeing a friend of mine behind my back for 6 months!

Bastard? I wish I had been now...

length? Hour and a half walk. Uphill.

*names changed to protect my embarrassment
(Fri 19th Feb 2010, 3:59, More)