» Accidental innuendo

Puppets!
During one college theater class, we were preparing to march in a huge parade with some giant puppets - the kind where one person carries the head, and two others manipulate the giant hands. One guy wanted to carry the head of his puppet rather than the hand, and shouted across the noisy room with perfect innocence: "DAVE! DO YOU WANT THE HAND JOB?"

Could have heard a pin drop.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 4:51, More)

» Sacked

my red swingline stapler
i worked as a technician at my college's student center - setting up sound systems, lighting, and powerpoint presentations for corporate clients that rent out space that actual students might otherwise be using.
most crap job ever.
none of the students had gotten a raise in years, and we started murmuring loudly about quitting en masse. to appease us (???), one of the bosses gave a handful of people raises. i was not included in this handful, and when i asked, boss-man told me that i did not recieve a raise "because of factors." hmm?
but how was i sacked, you ask? remember Milton, from Office Space, who is not fired, just moved to the basement and not given a piece of cake at the office party? yeah.
they stopped sending me emails about scheduling meetings. they took me off the contact sheet. the final blow was when i came in with a student group inquiring about using the center's theater to put on a play. i offered to serve as the tech on duty for free (paying them can get expensive) and i was told that i couldn't, as they "really needed to use someone who was on payroll..."
watermelons, the both of them.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 18:52, More)

» Insults

Mom-related non-insults
My friends and I often get into your-mom politeness wars. Example:

"Your /mom/ is a charming and gracious woman who bakes delicious pastries and shares them with all the children."
"Well /your/ mom is a vivacious go-getter who's not afraid of a challenge... from my penis."

The generic your-mom reply ("Let's go to the store." "Your mom goes to the store.") is popular to the point of absurdity here. I once told a perfectly innocuous story that ended with something my mom said. A friend's reply: "Your mom.... is my mom."
(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 13:13, More)

» School fights

she what?
We were in 5th grade (age 11 and 12, for you there in the UK). There was an annoying girl in my class called Danielle - very into glitter and who was best friends with who. This kid named Andy loved making Danielle cry; said she had no friends, she smelled, etc.

There was a new girl that year called Maddy. She was a tiny little hippie child (she made her own enormous beaded earrings) and because she was new she was generally nice to everyone. One day, she saw Andy laying into Danielle and she lost it. Stormed right up to him and punched him - he never saw it coming.

He had a black eye, and Danielle had a very strange hero.
(Sat 11th Mar 2006, 11:08, More)

» Siblings

My half-bro
My brother's 11 years older than me, my dad's son from a previous marriage. We weren't raised together, since he was often at his mom's and then off to university. He was like a particularly cool cousin who visited regularly, until I grew up enough to speak in sentences. And then he was AWESOME.

He could drive me places! He could give me far-sighted advice about high school. He could commiserate with me about Dad, who is kind of a nut. We had a lot of fun together, and we still do.

One word of advice, though: Don't tell "your mom" jokes to your half-brother. Especially if you share a Dad. It can be awkward...
(Sat 3rd Jan 2009, 15:59, More)