» Have you ever seen a dead body?

I applied for a job as a hospital porter...
...and one of first questions they asked me at interview was 'would seeing corpses bother you?'

I said no - and got the job.

I started shortly afterwards, and on my first day the head porter led me to the porter's room, and introduced me to the lads. The phone then rang, the head porter took the call - then turned to me and said 'lets break you in gently - we have a body to get from intensive care'.

So off we went, with our trolley - we arrived at the ward - I stepped behind the curtains, looked at the body....

...and promptly acted like Chunk in Goonies, when the body falls from the fridge.

I....i....it's a STTIFFFF!!
I totally locked up, and just stood gaping like a goldfish - expecting it to sit up and shout 'bbrraaainssss'.

Anyway, once I'd chilled a little, I took it off to the mortuary - where I saw loads more corpses - and ever since then they don't bother me.

In fact I collect them....under my patio, in my attic, and in my fridge.

Thanks for listening...
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 17:10, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

messy
I was 'larging it' in Cream during its early days, and was thoroughly off me bonce on some quite vision-disturbing doves, when I saw a couple of lovely young ladies enjoying a Vicks inhaler. I strutted (staggered) over and pointed to it, then myself, whilst grinning (drooling/gurning)...to indicate I would like to partake.
One of the young ladies happily handed it over, and I rammed it up my nose and inhaled deeply.
Then I realised it wasn't a Vicks inhaler. It was a strawberry lip balm.
Ewww....
(Wed 21st Dec 2005, 17:14, More)

» Accidental innuendo

just today...
...my boss saw that I'd bought one of those new Creme Egg Twister bars.

She picked it up and started playing with it - trying to ascertain the shape within, through the wrapper.

Finally she said 'ooh I better stop fingering it, or it'll get all moist and sticky'.

Fnarr fnarr....
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 21:05, More)