b3ta.com user The Horizontal Monster Mash
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Feeling Fine.

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» Inappropriate crushes

Speaking from my very own mouth, I can tell you that I’m quite the heterosexual man. I love women. I love their bodies. I love kissing women on their taste-full lips and tits and second pair of lips. I love making them feel special, I love making love to them and doing awful, unmentionable things to them that would make Casanova himself blush. I enjoy the occasional strip club and the attention I get from the “entertainers” for carrying cash.
Random play with a girl while both of us are in half drunk state at a party is always fun, and nothing beats the feeling of having the weight of the opposite sex on you. Also, like many of you, I constantly withdraw from the wank-bank birds I have an eye for. Well all this seems quite normal (I would assume), except…well…my inappropriate crush is this man:

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Ajax from the Warriors (mind you, the character in the film not the actor himself). He’s so hot and such a bad ass. I wish I could “go faggot” with him…Ahem…well I’m trusting you with this secret so please refrain from clicking “I like this.” No really. Please stay away from that button.
(Fri 29th Sep 2006, 21:32, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

A man at a sperm bank is waiting in the waiting room (*gasp* no! not the waiting room!). Sitting with him in this waiting room are other men that are waiting to make their donation of their white sticky gold. He sits and reads a magazine to pass the time. Twiddles his thumbs for a bit. Etcetra. etc. In walks a beautiful, but blonde, woman. She sighns in the receptionists book and takes a seat next to our protagonist. The man stops his train of thoughts and says:
"Err...um...are you here to donate some um..well Jizz?"
She replies, "Mmmph mmmph ph mmmph."
(Wed 1st Feb 2006, 22:05, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Not too long ago me and my mates headed to a beerfest at a nearby uni. Well, our clique is more of a mixed party were you have your virgins and non virgins, your Dirty Harrys and your James Bonds, two idiots (one of them looks like Sanford from Sandford and Son), a skateborder, two hardcore musical instrument prodigies and we even have a "ghetto" type. He's actually really beyond cool as he can "rack" (steal) anything from anywhere with relative ease (he racked me a $299 blazer from a shit snobby department store!).

So lo and behold: it was seven of us, and three of the seven were cherries. We arrive at the little shin dig already pre-partied. I.e. various substances had already been taken in by our human vessels. Once inside we procedeed to scout the flat for booze and broads. The party dj was playing plenty of New Wave favorites (Anything Box, New Order and Depechemode were a must) and some Spanish Ska.

Our group of 7 setteled into were the kitchen began and above all nearest to the alcohol. Feeling the buzz of the party I eyeballed and asked a blonde girl to dance to New Order's "Age of Consent". We danced and I introduced the rest of myself and my friends. Turns out she was the hostess of this well placed social.

The hours pass and one of my (virgin) friends has taken a liking to this girl. I wouldn't blame him, she had the bluest of eyes and the prettiest of smiles with a hint of that hot Russian model charm. So they talk and talk and chat and laugh. Another of my mates (non-virgin, Dirty Harry type) too took a liking to this girl who we shall re-name Rita.

And I could see it in Virgin's eyes, he wanted to loose it that night. He wanted to take her away from the commotion of the party to her bedroom and make love to the pretty lady. Dirty Harry on the other hand eyeballed her tits, he wanted to take her up the wrong one in her bedroom to add one to his tally.

And me? Being the smooth bastard that I am, I wanted to ruin the whole thing for everyone. I did after all, present her to the group and took the task of dancing with her. And so Virgin and Harry took it uppon themseleves to battle each other and out-do one another for Rita's bed rights. I saw to it diffrently. Getting rid of Harry was easy, I told him to go for a beer run. In his little world, Harry believed that this was a gallant act enough to win an entrance into Rita.

Now Virgin was something else. I told him if he noticed what Harry was doing. I told him how Harry was not going for beer, he was going for some Champagne and Condoms to take Rita away from him. I told him he only had half an hour at the most to take Rita to bed before Harry came back. Virgin does not hold well under pressure. And so, Virgin began to follow Rita everywhere she'd go. It was more creepy for her than it was seductive to him. Throughout the course I kept a steady conversation with Rita. She eventually seemed to want and get rid of Virgin. But who would save her? HA! I swooped down on her like the horny Nuns on Sir Galahad the Chaste to save her! HAR HAR!

Well it was more like I told her that I needed to take a nap for I had to work the follwing morning. She took me to her bedroom where I began to snog with her. She didn't stop me. Nor did I want to stop. I slipped my hands down to her promised land and well that was the story on how Virgin is still a virgin.

This QOTW is about virgins and not loosing it. Not about me and the dirty things I was planning to do with the woman with my logness.

(Edit: Fine. She ended up leaving me in her room before some hot sex arose, she stated that she had party guests to attend to. But she would be back for me later. I got fed up waiting and left. She ended up going with Harry because I had left. I later asked him how my cock had tasted second hand.)
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 20:13, More)

» Secret Santa

Stealing X-mas
During the holiday season, my mates and me go about and steal each other gifts. We draw names out of a hat and we shoplift something for that person. My racking abilities are not really tip top, so the mate I drew this year will wind up with candy, a meat tenderiser, skelton gloves and a tie from Urban Outfitters, low cut socks, a pack of nails and your assorted office supplies.

Last year my secret santa gave me a J. Linberg (sp?) blazer. It's value is over $600.00 USD. I'm not much of a fashion buff, but this thing is absoloutely beautiful, "the 600 dollar blazer".
(Wed 20th Dec 2006, 17:15, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Well, I piloted U.S. Marines into France 9 hours before D-day. I sub-jacked a U-boat and then later destroyed a whole U-boat facility. I rescued some Brits in Arnhem. I also did stop the Nazi's from initiating their super-flying V-bomb campaign that they were going to wage on the Allies. OOOh! and I also stole their HO IX flying wing. It was wonderfull when I returned home to the arms of my lovely wife. Her dirt-track never smelled better!

-Lt. Patterson
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 22:18, More)
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