b3ta.com user ruffdiamond
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» Urban Legends

I work with this bloke, and although he's OK and means well, lets just be kind and say he's not exactly quick on the uptake. Anyway one time I was working in a different office when I realised I could control the printer in my office i share with this guy from the other location I was bored rigid at.

So out came the Word Processor and i typed out "I am the ghost of the office, I can see everything you are doin, I'm watching you and following you mwahahahaha" or something to that effect, and hit print. Come on surely no one could fall for that I thought.

I get in the next day and the printout was there sitting on his desk, I decided to play the innocent and ask what it was. He told me how the printer had started going nuts and this had churned out and at first he thought someone was winding him up but as no one admitted it he started to freak out. So i made up some crazy story on the spot about how an old worker had died after falling over and hitting his head on a printer, and theres rumours that people here noises near them and occasionally, the printers even jam! Surely he couldn't buy that i thought, but his face went white.

Another workmate came in clocked what was going on immediately, and with a straight face said "Its true you know, think about it, who else can use the printer in your room except you two, and J wasn't here yesterday was he?"

To this day he still thinks our printer is haunted by the ghost of someone who died in our office. I'll tell him one day it was a joke, maybe,.
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 17:20, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

i once nearly joined a cult
I mean they sold it to me pretty well, and the final promise of 87 virgins in heaven got me rite going. All they wanted me to do was wear this rucksack and jump on a train to Kings Cross.

Then my mate called me and told me my breakfast pint was going flat. Well I'm not being funny, King's Cross is nowhere near Plaistow, not even the same line.

I politely declined their offer. I will always remember the 7th of July for that crazy meeting with that bloke with the big beard....
(Thu 26th Jan 2006, 18:40, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

true story
a couple of weird things have happened in my gaff and my mates who used to live next door to me. Nothing really comical, just honestly these things did happen.....

One time we were having a conversation in room about supernatural stuff and that and the conversation came onto hell and the devil, after 10 mins talking about satan 2 dead matches in his ashtray just exploded into flames. We took that as a sign to change the subject.

Another time we were watching a film in his room (possibly pornographic, cant remember....) all the lights were off and were smoking the weed as you do. anyway the passage lights came on and we heard the front door slam. "Mums back with some munch" he said and went down to see what goodies were on offer. 5 minutes later he came back white faced. "J theres no one here, the house is empty" I thought he was having a laugh, I mean we both heard the door go, so i decided to go downstairs and have a look. Sure enough, no one was in, just the lights were on. I was freaked out by this point so we decided to do the best thing, go back to the film. half way up the stairs the door opens again, this time it IS his mum with the munchies. Strangely though we weren't that hungry anymore. We have no explanation for what happened.

Another time myself, my dad and my 2 younger brothers went to see my nan in Hackney. Classy area indeed. Her house used to shit up my uncles, I'm talking grown east end hardmen here who ain't the type of people who's pint you would like to spill down the local boozer. One time we rang on the doorbell, and we heard someone running down the stairs towards the door. We thought it was one of our cousins, then there was this almighty *BANG*, like someone had smacked the door. It was such an impact the neighbours window frames rattled. Dad being a bit concerned one of my cousins, or nan, had fallen over and smacked their head on the door looked through the letterbox to see if they were ok and call for help. No one was there. Nothing. Thinking it was a bit odd we knocked again and this time my nan did come and answer the door. We told her what had just happened and she seemed perplexed, her and my cousins hadn't heard us knock, nor had they heard anyone run down the stairs, let alone an almighty bang. Even one of her neighbours later that day asked what had happened. Once again, at a loss to explain this.

On time in my room I was listening to a tape by the rapper Ras Kass. My tape player was an old one which wasn't controlled by remote controls, you have to physicaly press down the play /stop/rewind/etc buttons to operate them. One song he was rapping there was some lyric he says something like "Who spit cancer" or something along those lines. The tape stopped dead then, and I was the only one in the room. What made it all the more weird was my schoolfriend had passed away from leukaemia only the week before. I do like to think that was his way of saying goodbye to me you know, which make it a bit less scary actually lol

And finally, my now ex-girlfriend reckons she saw the ghost of her grandad in my house once when she stayed over. And once when we were outside smoking she asked me "Why are your 2 neighbours on the fence looking at each other all loved up?" I asked if she was feeling alrite coz there was nobody there. She thought I was pulling her leg coz they were like as real as you and me. She said they were looking at us too but in a nice way. We went inside to see if anyone else could clarify we had a haunted garden, but know whence we got back out they ghosts were gone, she said.

why should i apologize for the length, blame he who created me.....ok I'm sorry really
(Mon 24th Apr 2006, 23:15, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

rough or smooth
There's this drunk bloke looking for a hooker he can get a fuck off of. He's in luck as he comes across a lady of the night who offers him a bit of business. "How much is it?"

"Well if you want a rough shag its 30 quid, if you want a smooth one, its 50"

the bloke looks in his wallet and goes "go on I ain't exactly flush tonite, I'll have a rough one" so he pays up they do the business he shoots his loads and starts getting ready to leave

"Out of interest luv" the bloke says "If I'd wanted a smooth one, what would the difference have been?"

"Well... If you wanted a smooth one, I would have picked the scabs off first!"
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 17:05, More)

» Teenage Parties

millenium night
oh yes its ominous from the title

well i was 17/18 and been caning it for a year and thinking I was the man basically

how wrong I was

Millenium night came along and my good friend Mike was doin the party round his (brave man considering the nights we'd had at his previously) so 3 of us decided to chuck our money together and get 2 crates of fosters in, now ok Fosters is piss, but 2 crates = 16 cans each between us 3, and we duly finished the lot. I was fucked!

All I remember was tryin to kiss everybody and getting slapped then saying Hi to somebody on the stairs then trying to go up for a piss, then fallin back and hitting my head. Apparantly I knocked myself out cold for 20 mins, motherfuckers were just stepping over me and not bothering to see if I was ok considering the amount of vomit leaking out of my mouth.

Then apparantly I jumped up out of nowhere and said "I know where there's another party better than this!" and like the pied piper, drunken fools followed me

I stopped by a kebabish and declared I wanted food first so we all decided to order, I ordered mine, and believe to this day it was a "Triple gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah and extra chilli" that i ordered. Then i proceeded (without paying) to excuse myself and go outside and vomit for england, and lose the the ability to control my legs.

Well the Po Po were walkin by, they saw my juvenile ass and laughed and said to my mates in the kebabish "Who's responsible for this cunt?" to which 2 of my (still good) mates piped up. "Look lads get him home or we're banging him up for the night, oh and happy new year!"

So they left all food, i don't remember none of this

Alls i do remember is waking up in a pitch black room at 4am

"Where the fuck am I!" i shouted

"Your at home" shouted a voice out of the wilderness

"Warren that you!?"

"Yes it is!"#

"What the fuck you doin here, where am I?"

anotheer voice (a kinda mate dan) "Your mum let us all party and kip here!"

"So i missed the fun?"



then pass out I do

and wake up to a bacon sandwich

I dont think I have ever been as fucked as millenium nite, apart from one time lately, which while come at a later date

apologies for...............nah fuck it
(Sat 15th Apr 2006, 0:46, More)
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