» Road Rage

Tottenham's finest
A few years ago I was living in Tottenham and one day was driving home. Now I'm not an aggressive person (at least not actively) but I do hate sports car drivers who try to own the road by cutting you up. Fair enough if you overtake, but if you cut up then you're just being a cunt. I often like to do one over them by overtaking them (or sometimes undertaking) just to piss them off, as I drive a Peugeot 106 which is pretty nifty on a city road.

Anyway as I was driving down Lordship Lane this complete twunt in some rollerskate of a sports car starts getting argy-bargy and tries to cut me up. I let him in but at the next lights were both on the front row. I look over at him and it's some 'homie' with some naff jewelry, token bimbo and said sports car. Well it's game on, and as the lights go off we both floor it wanting to get the advantage.

Unfortunately for the other guy the road layout meant that the right hand lane had to merge into the left as the road became single carriage. So after a few seconds he was now driving fast in the WRONG LANE, and ever so shortly about to come up against traffic driving in the opposite direction.

Although I would have liked nothing better than to see this waste of space and almost certain criminal wiped off the face of the earth, there were potentially innocent people involved (i.e. the oncoming traffic) and I wouldn't be able to live with that. And he hadn't out run me so he had nowhere to go. In about three seconds he would be dead.

So basically I did the sensible thing and let in in front of me. In no way thankful that I had taken account of his stupidity and saved his life, the dude stops his car dead in front of me. This has the added effect of blocking all the traffic behind us, as he gets out to confront me.

Despite protestations from his bint (something along the lines of 'Leave it ahht!') he comes up to my window. Now I'm only too aware that I'm suddenly in a rather tricky situation. However I do have some understanding of how people work and there's only one way to defuse the situation.

I shot him.

Haha, no, not really. As he comes up to my car I wind down the window to save him breaking it. He starts shouting the obvious obscenities and look him directly in the eye with neither a scared or snide expression on my face - I'm just blank. Once he pauses for half a second, I simply say "Sorry". This throws him as he's obviously expecting an abusive response. He then says "Why the fuck did you do it then?"

Well I have to admit that for a split second I did think about telling him what a cock he was and how he owed me his life, but for some reason I thought the better of it. Again, with no expression I just replied "I don't know."

Again this threw him a bit, but then he regained his composure, swore, and then walked away and insulted me again just for good measure. He drove off and that was it.

By the time I got home I must have had about a pint of adrenaline in my system, but it's nothing that a bottle of vodka and a few spliffs couldn't solve.

Apologies for length but then it was probably bigger than his.
(Tue 17th Oct 2006, 15:55, More)

» Mugged

Kuta, Bali
Last November I went for a two week holiday on my own to Bali, Indonesia. I was alone as I had two weeks holiday to use up, and none of my friends didn't have enough holiday spare. I chose Bali as I knew there would be other random backpackers there and I wouldn't be stuck for meeting people.

Now by all accounts this is Australia's Magaluf but thankfully for me some Islamic militants had the foresight to bomb the place one month earlier, thus cutting the holidaying population by 80% and making it a lot calmer and not packed full of noisy, annoying Aussies.

So at the time of this story I was hanging out with a bunch of Irish guys and boy do they like to drink. I of course am no stranger to this myself and we frequently went out and got bladdered, much fun was had and the local Indonesian ladies went home happy.

Anyway one night after a good drinking session I was walking home down Poppies 2 (it's a road!) and was approached by a lady on a motorbike. Obviously she was going to try and sell something to me as that's what everyone does in Bali. You can't walk a metre down a street in Kuta (the main holiday town) without some guy shouting 'Transport?' (even if you're on a bike at the time) or some girl (usually old) shouting 'Massase?' followed shortly by 'Jiggy-jiggy?' i.e. sex. They can't pronounce soft 'g's apparently.

So this girl on a bike approaches me and asks 'You want jiggy-jiggy?'. I turn away, don't look at her and say no, but she comes right up to me and starts cupping my length in her hand and repeats the question. I repeatedly say no and wait for her to leave, which she does a few seconds later.

Happy at not having been raped by a prostitute, I continue walking back to my hotel, but after a few steps I sense that something's wrong - my trousers don't feel right. And - you may be one step ahead of me here - reaching down into my pocket I feel that my wallet has gone. I desperately turn round and start running in the direction of the motorbike, but (a) I'm drunk and can't run, and (b) she's on a motorbike, FFS.

So I got mugged by a girl. Luckily there wasn't too much money in my wallet, but it did have my cards and it took me about 20 phone calls and two and a half days to get any cash, as Barclays / Visa fucked it up royally. I did manage to stiff them for compensation afterwards though. And I managed to borrow enough cash from the Irish guys to tide me over in between so I was OK really.

Apart from that it was a fantastic holiday. Apologies for length but she didn't complain.

Oh yeah, that's my qotw cherry popped. Ithangyew.
(Wed 21st Jun 2006, 17:21, More)