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» Crazy Relatives

the adorable sweetness of my granddad's brainwrongness
My granddad used to leave pudding out in the garden.

Slightly mental in itself, of course. When asked why, he responded:

"It's for the grey squirrels"

Not just squirrels, though of course that's somewhat banana-brained in itself, but specifically grey ones.

And why might that be, granddad?

Bless his fucked-up excuse for a mind, he was under the impression that grey squirrels were simply elderly red squirrels.

And being elderly, they most likely wouldn't be able to chew nuts as well as in their youthful red-haired days. So a nice soft pudding seemed the obvious solution.

My parents were apparently so in 'awww' of this adorable expression of senility, that they never corrected him and he continued preparing roly polies, spotted dick and rice pudding for the 'old dears' until he died.

(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 14:21, More)

» Pet Stories

apologies for not being a happy story...
posted this quite a while ago, seems more appropriate in this qotw.

July 2000, just finished my exams and I received a phone call from my parents which resulted in me just sitting in the street and sobbing for an hour.

Apparently my cat Mr Blonde (who was only a year old) had gone missing for a few days - he had never been gone more than a few hours before. Anyway, apparently he returned home, meowing pathetically and with a footprint-shaped dent in his side, bloody and with maggots everywhere. Some fucker had stamped on him. And this was the sweetest cat as well - his brother, Begbie, was a vicious fucker. Mr Blonde was fluffy, cuddly and playful, it could only have been done out of pure sadism.

He died literally within 5 minutes of making it home. Which meant that for 3 days he was suffering but he still needed to be home before he died.

I would be happy to go to jail for murder if I ever found out which cunt did it.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 9:48, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

High charged intellectual atmosphere
At the london school of economics the toilet graffiti is all rather political and intellectual, and is written in tightly organised paragraphs with a reasoned argumentative flow. terrible geeky shite. except one...

In one cubicle, on the door opposite the actual toilet, is written in large red letters:


Click 'I like this' if you done a poo.
(Wed 9th May 2007, 17:00, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Picture the Scene
14 years old, I'm at home watching Newsround and, obviously, get the raging horn. So I get some butter out of the fridge, apply it to my genitals and start thrusting my cock into the TV's aerial socket.

you can tell what happened next... my dog came in and started licking the TV! Problem was there was loads of static and he ended up vomiting - RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING JAP'S EYE!

I've never felt so disgusted - fortunately my mum had walked into the room and gently sucked the dog puke out of my penis.

We've never spoken about it since.
(Tue 19th Jun 2007, 11:55, More)

» Terrible food

Exchange trip to France
I was genuinely excited at the prospect of spending two weeks with a new French family as part of my A level. I was especially looking forward to the food, French cuisine being world-renowned and all that.

First evening there, pleasantries exchanged, we sit outside for dinner. How European! An outdoor family-based dinner!

"Ai 'ope you arr 'ungree?"*, asked the smiling Mother, as she brought in a huge tray of...



Fucking aubergines. Served with...


The best first night dish they could come up with was a plate of Aubuergines.

Being polite, I inserted the hideous soggy garbage into my mouth.

"What you arr feenkeeng of ze taste?", asked the mother.

I replied with, "Eet eez delic-*WRETCH*"

I tried to make it appear as though that vomiting sound was me just clearing my throat, in order to pronounce my French better. Would have worked too if I didn't follow it up with another, more liquid-sounding *WRETCH*, complete with hamster-cheeks.

"Ai 'ave to go to zee bafroom, eef you pleez..." I said, and I happily chundered out that vile filth from my guts.

The parents were really rude to me the whole time after that, ignoring me when I tried to have proper conversations. I think I really offended them with that first dinner encounter. Either that or they were just French cunts.

* The conversations were actually in French but I thought I'd translate for those monolingual types :)
(Mon 21st May 2007, 16:18, More)
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