b3ta.com user Not_Actually_Edward
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for Not_Actually_Edward:
Profile Info:


Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Sex Toys

What on earth must the nurses have thought....
Slightly off topic for my first post, but meh.

Many years back I was on my way home from picking up a few grocery items and found myself locked out of the house. It was mid-december so the weather was more than a little on the chilly side, and none too keen to sit out in the cold and wait for the wife to get home and let me in, I set down my shopping and began to look for alternative means of entry.

As luck would have it, the upstairs bathroom window had been in need of repair for some time, since the handle was bent out of shape and did not close securely. As it was invisible from outside and an elastic band around the handle had done the trick I had yet to do anything about it, so knowing I could simply prise it open, I grabbed hold of the guttering and began climbing.

Alas, not being the best of climbers I clearly did something wrong, and by the time I was halfway up I snagged my belt on something, tugging my trousers a few inches lower than decent before I could unsnag them. I proceeded in this condition as my hands were otherwise occupied in the noble pursuit of "not letting go lest I die".

Just before I could get the window open the pipe began falling away from the wall. It must have looked hilarious, but at the time I did not see the funny side due to my falling backwards to what I expected to be my doom. Fortune smiled upon me though, and as luck would have it my fall was broken by my groceries.

Now what with this being in the days before squeezy ketchup became so popular, I had 2 glass bottle of finest Heinz ketchup in my bag. During the walk home I had become a little wary of how much they were clinking into each other, partially because I did not want to break them, and also because glass hitting glass sets my teeth right on edge. In what I considered to be a stroke of genius I had retrieved my emergency johnny from my wallet and slipped it over one of the bottles. Presto: no more glass on glass torture. With hindsight it was an even better idea than I thought, since I may have suffered serious cuts later on without it.

Alas, this bottle is what I landed on. Between the force of impact, the lowered trousers and the lubrication of the condom, the bottle had suddenly become a new internal organ.

Imagine the horror. I was able to waddle next door and procure a "no questions asked" lift to A&E from the neighbour, and luckily the nurses were able to remove the offending article, but I had a sneaking suspicion that they neither believed my tale of woe, nor intended to keep their promise not to repeat my story to anyone.

Still, at least I got my ketchup back!
(Fri 18th May 2012, 18:47, More)