» Sleepwalking

Queue for the toilet
An old boyfriend of mine walked in his sleep. He had warned me, but we were over a year into the relationship before it happened.

We'd spent the weekend at Reading Festival, back in the days where toilets were few and queues were long. After the festival we'd gone to visit his sister dahn sarf.

After beers and merriment we toddled off to bed. Some time later I heard him get out of bed, he put on the light......then....nothing. I soon realised I'd not heard the door open so bleary-eyed I sat up and found him stood facing the wardrobe.
Me: what are you doing?
Him: Waiting for the bog. *points at his jacket hanging on the door* This blokes been waiting longer than me.

Glad the jacket was there, his sister had some rather expensive clothes in that wardrobe!
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 21:31, More)

» Crazy Relatives

They let him drive?!
Some years back I went to a family funeral. My parents managed to get a lift from a cousin, but I ended up in the back of my 85 year old uncles car.

As we set off *in the funeral procession* he was moaning that they were driving "too fucking slow". When we finally got to the main road and sped up, he started overtaking the other cars, narrowly missing numerous oncoming vehicles until he got right up behind the hearse.

I was sat in the back wedged between my uncles two terrified daughters and was convinced we would be the next funeral.

We got to the crem, and as he made a valiant effort to park his ford escort in a space barely big enough to accommodate a small town he hit the accelerator instead of the brake, hurtled over the grass verge and wiped out an innocent bench.

First time my dad ever heard me swear.

I got the bus home.
(Sat 7th Jul 2007, 0:12, More)

» School Sports Day

Family loyalty
It was my eighth birthday, and my auntie came to visit. I was surprised as she brought Gary, one of the boys from my class at school with her. Turns out he was her grandson, making him my second cousin or something.
Anyways...
Fast forward a few weeks and it's "Sports Day"
I'm in the "running a lap of the playground" race. With legs and heart pounding I'm managing 4th place, with only a few yards to go. The leaders head for the home straight. Gary sticks his leg out. Third girl falls. I race past her limp, bloodied body and claim third place as my very own.
I got a certificate (I was 8. It meant something....Ok!)
After the race I nod and smile at Gary, he smiles back.
It was never mentioned again and no-one knew we were related until we were 14 and used the same excuse for not doing our homework.

I'd apologise for length, but it's my first post and it's oh-so exciting.
(Sun 2nd Apr 2006, 23:03, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

A couple of tales..
Number one: I was going to my uncles funeral, being driven by another uncle. He swore all the way to the crem as "them in front were driving too slow" (?!?!) but all the while I was convinced I'd be the next corpse as his driving was soooooo bad.
I had to beg a cousin for a lift home.

Number two: Mother in law's funeral.
The "non-denominational preacher" called her by the wrong name the whole way through.
(Sun 14th May 2006, 1:33, More)

» Crap meals out

The Bayswater Breakfast
Some years ago me and my (then) boyfriend took a trip to London. It was between Christmas and New Year and we had trouble finding somewhere to stay, and wound up at an absolute shit pit in Bayswater. Our room was vile beyond description. We thought it wouldn't get any worse....
The "dining room" was what most folk would describe as the cellar. It was almost pitch black, illuminated by a couple of weak light bulbs. It was fucking freezing. The waitress was wearing a big coat, hat, scarf and gloves. In very broken English she asked if we wanted a full English or Continental breakfast. Being patriots we opted for the full English, and after a long cold wait the waitress returned with a floral side plate (for boyf) and a kids Mickey Mouse plate for me. Our full English was one rather small rasher of bacon and one egg, which although it may of once been in the same room as a frying pan, they had never been formally introduced. Her gloved thumbs were holding the bacon onto the plates.
We decided to leave the salmonella behind us and went to McD's....which was crap but at least it was cooked.
(Fri 28th Apr 2006, 19:34, More)