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An Essex cunt.

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One's gutted...

(Wed 3rd Oct 2007, 21:54, More)

*thanks Panorama*

(Mon 30th Jul 2007, 23:22, More)

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» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

The Tale Of the Royal Marine and his Pet Koala...
Way back when, I was stationed aboard HMS Ark Royal and the highlight undoubtably was our deployment to Australia in 1988 for the Bicenntenial Celebrations of that year. It was little more than a shag and beerfest of 20 or so ports in 6 months.

The first port in Australia was Brisbane and it was a stampede to be one of the first ashore and get the best Sheilas. The Royal Navy is a hierarchial beast at the best times and it was no surprise that the ship's Royal Marines or 'Bootnecks' were the first ashore - first to get pissed - first to get a shag and first to get in a fight. You guess which order.

That is, all except one Marine.

He was struggling to get this particular girl between the sheets who was proving to be a bit more shy than her counterparts in this particular bar. He tried and tried to seduce her but she would have none of it, preferring instead to drink the drinks he bought her and rant on about her love of animals.

Well Marines aren't the brightest of God's creatures and this one took a little time to catch onto her weak spot, but eventually he blurted,

"I love animals too..."

"Oh really?" she cooed.

"Yeah, sure. Especially Koalas" he replied confident in the knowledge he'd soon get her where he wanted her. "In fact" he continued "I keep one on board the Ship"

At this point you should be aware that Koalas are on the endangered list in Oz but you knew that anyway, right?

"On your SHIP?" she begged

"On my ship" he confirmed sensing slight danger "but I look after him, he stays in my locker and I feed him potato peelings from the galley."

I can't remember whether the raven haired beauty threw the glass at him, its contents or both, but she swore an Ozzie obscenity and marched out of the bar.

Our intrepid hero returned Sheilaless to the ship.

Next morning, having related the story to his luckier mates, he hears his name being called over the Ships broadcast system (PA). He diligently reports to the 'Officer of the Day' at the gangway and is stunned to see the girl from the previous night accompanied by two of Brisbane's finest law officers.

"Marine Evans!" barks the Officer of the Day "Did you tell this girl you keep a Koala in your locker?"

"Yes, sir"

"Well that was plain stupid, of course you don't really have one" replied the OOTD.

"But I do sir, I'll go and get him".

Cue stunned faces all round when a grinning Evans returns with a large rustling paper bag 5 minutes later.

The police officers step forward to take the bag from Evans but just as they do our hero dropkicks the bag about 6 foot across the gangway area.

The gasps were audible for miles around but returned to silence when a stuffed Koala toy of lifelike proportions rolled out of the bag.

"Can I take Kevin back now, he's my lucky mascot like?" chirps our man

Well not too lucky. Marine Evans spent a night in an Aussie cell and then the rest of the Brisbane visit confined to the mess for bringing the ship into disrepute.

Deserved a frigging medal if you ask me......
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 1:31, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Fancy Dress Shenanigans in the Royal Navy....
It was some bright spark's idea on HMS Bristol in 1990 that all mess members go out for the night in fancy dress to Portsmouth.

So, the date for the 'run ashore' was set and we all went about getting our costumes. There was the usual array of monks, cowboys, St Trinians etc and a rather superb pantomime horse. My receding hairstyle made for a great Count Dracula.

Having supped copious tins of Red Death and CSB in the mess beforehand all 20 or so of us set out to cross the dockyard and head for Pompey.

The first stop for much mirth and pissing of pants was when we were stopped at the gate and asked for RN ID cards. This was a rule introduced a month earlier for those going OUT of the gate as well as in.

Anyhoo, we all complied except for the pantomime horse who tried to make a gallop for it out of the gate (appropriately enough called 'Unicorn Gate').

"Oi!Stop!" shouted the Mod Plod at the gate, I need to see your ID card.

With that a solitary hand clutching a card came out of the horse's arse for inspection by the copper. Believe it or not he checked the photo on the card and waved the horse on keeping a straight face throughout and not even acknowledging that it took two to make a successful pantomime horse!

So the night went on and I'll spare you most of the debauched details of the nun's antics with the St Trinians girls.

The following morning, with hangovers rampant we were all spinning the stories of the previous night, all of us bouyant after a cracking night out. All except the Womble that was who had lost his Orinoco head and (therefore his £25 deposit) after getting in a fight with some lads off of HMS Cleopatra.

Someone soon noticed however that not everyone had returned on time and Jock Fraser (Bugs Bunny the night before) was missing, last seen chatting up some sort in the corner of Joannas Night Club (aka the Royal Navy School of Dancing)...

Worry not though, because a grinning Bugs Bunny returned to the ship at 1000, 3 hours late still clutching his plastic carrot and greeted by our Commander at the top of the gangway for imminent 'trooping'. Ordered to appear before the Captain the following day he was relieved to hear that he wouldn't be charged because the Captain said Bugs Bunny's return was 'the funniest thing' he'd seen in 20 years in the RN.

The close to this story however, was the letter received by Able Seaman England (Orinoco the Womble to you and me) from 5 lads in 3Romeo Mess, HMS Cleopatra. They had sailed to the Falklands the following day for a 6 month deployment and had enclosed a picture of one of their lads proudly wearing Orinoco's head at the Equator.
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 2:37, More)

» Heckles

Alexei Sayle
Alexei Sayle was the self confessed nemesis of the serial heckler.

I remember seeing a scene where a member of the audience complained that Alexei's act only consisted of spiteful remarks against minority groups.

Our Mr Sayle shot back with the classic "Well mate, I'd rather be up here shouting spite, than down there SPOUTING SHITE...."
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 18:03, More)

» Heckles

You Fat Bastard!
I remember seeing Chubby Brown in Portsmouth one night and, as usual, attracting more than his fair share of hecklers.

The one killer Chubby retort I recall was "I hope the local sewage farm doesn't do a stock-take mate. They'll find a bucket of shit missing..."
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 18:12, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

The Royal Navy can be so unkind....
...I knew someone called LA(Phot) Chris Brick.



Then there was MEM Paul Fant


And not forgetting LS(R) Mike Pulling

(Sun 21st May 2006, 19:42, More)
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