» I hurt my rude bits

not me but a patient, thankfully
when i was a student, I had a placement in a group home for people with learning disabilities, some of them when they showered had to sit on a litlle plastic chair, as their balance wasn't so great, and to help all the water drain they had little holes in them. This poor unlucky chap managed to get his plums stuck in these little holes, as the butt monkey student it was my job to try and free them, no matter how much soap, washing up liquid, vaseline I slapped on they weren't budging, so had to call the fire brigade out to cut him free with those scarily big cutter jobbies! poor chap looked terrifed! I think the trust I work for now are VERY careful about the sizes of the holes in those little chairs!
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 3:14, More)

» Debt pron

fucking uni
i lived in uni halls (lupton flats, leeds) during my first year at nursing colloege, didn't think much of them (full of crap fat 18 year old girls playing shana twat "i will always love you all" the time. so obviously i thought that would give me good reason to give leeds uni a rubber cheque at the end of the year (and at the end of every other year, as your couldn't be in debt to the uni even if you lived out of halls to progress to the next year or graduate), so 2 years and two increasingly bigger rubber cheques i qualify as a nurse and carry on with my life (btw I convinced my mum that I had the flu during my graduation ceremony so she wouldn't come down, the bastards wouldn't even let you wear the silly black bed sheet and silly hat if you owed them money!) but 3 years later they some how track me down and I get a balif at my door saying I owe £2,500 rent + %25 interst per day!, I fucking shat myself!and spent the next 3 weeks telling my house mate and girlfriend never to open the door without the grill (think lock stock) fortunatley i had a mate who owed me a huge favour (he was a law student and was connected and he had some dealings with some very strange humans) but long and short of it was. only had to pay £2,000 back and the grease monkey's got off my back!
(Mon 27th Nov 2006, 2:42, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

voluntary kidnapped
back in the day of msn chat, I hooked up with this alledgedly lovely young lady from London who had just come back from her travels,
and us both being single and looking for fun, it seemed like a good idea at the time (oh! how naive I was!, but ever the horney badger (3 year drought, what's a bloke to do)
i thought we'd been talking long enough and her pic was nice enough, so wahey! potatoes deep!
I don't drive so I had to get the fucking national express from Leeds to Fucking London town on the bank holiday (same bank holiday the queen mum died! gawd rest her soul!)
eventually made it to the meeting point and there's the beautiful lady in the picture, well she was beutiful(ish) whan she took the picture 5 years ago! she then told me about how she often picks up guys of the t'itnerweb, but the last one came to her door and said he'd got a present for her in the boot of his car, the next thing she heard was the squealing of wheels as he got the fuck out of there. I never had that excuse as she knew damn well. well I was stuck there but ever the gentleman, i tried to do the manly thing, but by the third long awaited day,
I was near to crying (never realised how hard it was to get rhythm on a water bed), so to my ever lasting shame on the last day I feigned sleep, and even then when she STILL tried to tamper with me I resorted to waiting until she went to the lav ang gathering as much as my stuff as i could before running out into a completly random subord of london.
to a northern monkey like me it's a fuckin' big place! moral of the story is, London internet girls! NO!!!!!!
would apologise for the lentgh, but I don't know you so why should Icare what you think about my length, you did chose to read it after all!
mobsxxxx
(Tue 21st Nov 2006, 0:11, More)

» Mistaken Identity

mistaken idenity
I'm not sure how these guys make their money from being lookie likeys, but in the space of 2 years It's been said by mates (and taxi driver's; the most impartial of judges) that I look like Iggy Pop, Kurt Cobain, and in a certain light Charles Haugtry! I'm still waiting to cash in on this natural talent I apparently have, (oh and that bloke from the chilly peppers).
(Sun 3rd Jun 2007, 10:06, More)

» Debt pron

balifs/sherrifs court
don't mean to sound like someone from the CAB but if you're getting hassled by balifs, try and sort it out with your debtors rather than the ballifs, cos they're a bunch of callous heartless cunts who are just in it for their commision and don't give a shit about your personal circumstaces, I took a great sense of satisfaction after having loads of shitty scarey intimidating phone calls from the balify company to tell them (after paying them there £25 call off fee) that they could fuck off and leave me alone as I'd actually spoke to a reasonable hunan being (at leeds uni, my debtor) who was actually willing to help me out of a shitty situation
(Mon 27th Nov 2006, 2:56, More)