b3ta.com user SteamedCleaner
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» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Our House...
Apparently Suggs has rewritten all his songs to remove any ethnic/gender/ability reference.

It's Madness gone politically correct I tell you!
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 15:15, More)

» Food sabotage

Accidental sabotage
My wife and I were stuck in a tent on a campsite on a freezing cold night. I woke up in desparate need of a pee but there was no way I was getting out of my lovely warm sleeping bag so I reached down for the empty bottle of water and very slowly and carefully filled it again.

Next morning I left my wife asleep and went for a wander, only to return some time later to find her frantically fighting to get in to the car to get something to take away the taste of the full bottle of piss she'd just taken a swig from.

The rather obvious yellow liquid in the bottle was disguised by the light filtering through the fabric of our tent, which turned everything, erm, yellow. Oops.

She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. Just as well, her breath was rank!
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:13, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

Easily distracted...
Spanky's little tale reminded me of one of my many visits to the IVF clinic to do my duty in the hope of producing a little SteamedCleaner. The clinic we used was clearly catering to couples of all persuasions as amongst the standard porn mags were a few featuring nothing but muscle clad blokes in the nud (well I assumed they were full of them, I only looked at the covers, honest). Alternatively they were catering for blokes who were in serious denial about the reason they were unable to procreate.

One particular visit I really wasn't in the right mood and spent a few minutes flicking through the magazines, trying to raise a smile. "Oh, she's flexible", flick, "She looks a right grumpy cow", flick, flick "Ah, the wonders of silicone and PhotoShop", flick, flick, flick, "Hey, an article about whitewater kayaking in New Zealand!"

And so it was that half an hour later I heard a timid knock on the door followed by a hushed "Is everything alright in there?"

"Erm, yeah fine" I replied and hurriedly put away the plans I'd scribbled on the back of the appointment letter detailing the best NZ rivers to run at what time of year and details of return flights. A quick return to the real matter in hand and I had a rather unimpressive sludge at the bottom of the jar. I'm sure whoever was on the other side of the collection hatch looked at it and said "Half an hour for that! No wonder they need IVF."
(Tue 22nd Feb 2011, 14:59, More)

» When Animals Attack

that damned duck
My son loves to feed the ducks at the local park so we go down there regularly with bags of old bread or a few handfuls of grain. Now most of the ducks are your laid back, passive quacking little buggers, but there is one evil, steam train hissing, psychotic bastard of a muscovy duck (ugly buggers they are). This one decided he wasn't getting his share of the bread so he reared up, flapping his wings, knocked my 2 year old flat on his arse and proceeded to peck him with malice aforethought. I did what any self respecting father would do and taught that evil little duck that he could fly without using his wings, thanks to a kick up the clacker.

A week or two later we were back at the pond and saw that someone had spray painted the duck bright green. Can't say I felt sorry for it.
(Wed 30th Apr 2008, 18:09, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

There are many mentions of huge unflushable logs this week but I've not seen anyone mention the foolproof way of getting rid of them. If it's in a public toilet, just walk away, let the professionals (the cleaners) sort it out, they handle that sort of stuff all the time and don't need the extra problem of some numpty blocking the loo by pelting the turd with bog roll in their panic/embarassment. However, if you're at home, put the kettle on, wait for it to boil, then pour the water down the pan over the offending monster. The various fats will melt and other bits dissolve, leaving you with an easily flushable slurry.
(Sun 30th Mar 2008, 5:53, More)
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