» Vomit Pt2

Vomit is a wonderful weapon!
After a heavey night out I was violently sick in my bed - that is NOT the gross part.

Covered in horrible vomit were my pillow, my sheets and me. Think Spud from train spotting minus the shit. Anyway as I was changing my sheets with a great big bastard hangover my Vicky Pollard of a sister (she is her, she is JUST like her, I'm ashamed to be a relative almost as much is she is ashamed of being related to Trippeh the town nutjob, but I digress) came in to have a go at me for waking her up the previous night.

I apologised. She went on.

I apologised a second time. She went on.

I apologised a third time and told her I had a headache could she please bloody stop shouting.

SHE WENT ON LOUDER STILL!

The self-pitying yapping got so much that I stood up straight and instead of slapping her, or yelling at her like a normal perosn, with an aim that would do Phil Taylor proud, I launched a vomit-soaked pillow smack into her face.

SPLAT.

No reaction for a split second and THEN:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNHHHH!" is the only way I can describe the sound she made.

I thought the screaming was bad before, my goodness...she flew about flicking vomit everywhere knocking stuff in my room right over as she pawed at her face to get the puke off it, shrieking until she finally landed in the bathroom, throwing herself into the sink crying hysterically, apparently her mouth ws wide open when the pillow made impact....as she was violently sick herself!

The crying didn't stop for a long time and luckily my parents were not around to witness me being such a bastard I simply told them she lied and that it was accident/misunderstanding (said I tripped when taking the sheets out etc and dropped them on her) my sister is notorious for lying so therefore I got away with it completely. Her going berserk would have been worth any consequences however I must add!

I'm an evil person what can I say.
(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 20:21, More)

» Buses

Connie the large
A girl, Connie, who got kicked out of our school for violent outbursts and beating up fellow students would NOT be deterred from her reign of terror. Even the boys were terrified of her. The school had thrown her out but that didn't stop her terrorizing us at the bus stop!

Now, this girl is huge in every sense of the word. Around 6 foot but obese is an understatement...she was a planet. I thought she had broken my arm in a fight once. Anway, another girl, Liz got such a beating on the way home that Connie was banned from taking the buses in that area- EVERY bus driver knew her by the end of that week and refused to let her on!

Did this stop Connie? No sir!

We silently shuffled on to the bus home, even the rastafarian bus driver looked frightened and kept saying "Connie, no man no!" when she tried to get on.

Now, being a bunch of mouthy schoolkids determined not to look afraid of this beast, the "who the fuck does she think she is" and "we could have so fucking taken her" started to come out when we wrongly assumed we were safe on the top deck...the bravado got out of control and before I knew it, there was a row of middle fingers along the top deck window (me included in this) flipping her off! It was like a competition as to who had the biggest death wish.

The chants of "fatso" started and we were all quite happy to be proclaiming "I'M not afraid of her!" until Connie, in the most frightening way possibly RIPPED THE BUS DOORS OPEN. A bit like when Miss Trunchbull lifts up a car in the movie Matilda; and I swear to God I actually heard her roar:

The change was phenomenal, all of a sudden we stopped boasting that we "could easily take her" and started running to the back of the bus screaming "shiiiitt!!!" and "ruuunnn!!" unanimously. I'm ashamed to admit I started yelling "we're all gonna die!"

Thank God the bus driver sped off in terror or we probably would have died as running to the back of the bus wouldn't have protected us much!

When we realized Connie wasn't barging up the stairs to break our bones, we were all so embarrassed by what wusses we were that nobody said much. That was the quietest bus journey home from schoolkids ever. The pedestrians must have loved it.

I have never felt like such a pussy in my life, and anyone I know who was on that terrfying bus journey, well, we don't really talk about it!
(Sat 27th Jun 2009, 14:59, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

"Mum, honest, I'm really not like that...!"
Oh Reece...

My friend Reece is a twat, great guy deep down, but it has to be said he has arsed up more than one good party, he is a total fucking liability at the best of times (and he will be the first to admit this)... but a hate group about him on facebook? Well somebody obviously has a lot of juvenile time on their hands!

This malicious, but completely true in its accusations group, showed him covered head to toe in USED CONDOMS and other public toilet matter after rolling around drunk on the floor, trousers around ankles, toilet paper stuck to his face. He looked like a dog that had been rolling about in a dung heap. Yes, many a photo were taken.

This group contains stories about his supposed invisible STD magnet he takes out everywhere with him, which the idiot agreed with using his own account to write on the wall.

Shows pictures of him drunkenly slobbering over girls who were a lot mroe sober and alot less interested, one in which he is blatantly staring at some girls huge knockers.

Three of him snogging men.

One photo of him with horribly obvious cocaine residue, one with a raging hard on...

Every single photo is either incriminating, drug-themed, unflattering or vomit-covered.

He took it well, and actually partook in this group until his "friend", creator of said group, did something which was out and out unforgiveable.

He added Reece's Mum.

Apparently she cried.

There was nothing he could do, she had photographic evidence of what a grade A deviant her son is. My mate told me he still can't look her in the eye.

Reece, if your reading this, I had nothing to do with it, and I'm sorry she won't send you much money at uni anymore...would say this happens to the best of us but it doesn't. love you buddy.

.
(Sun 14th Sep 2008, 15:12, More)

» Karma

May Day Protests, teenaged punkery etc...
This little stunt bit me on the arse so bad...

As a 15 year old goth kid who hated school, I found the May Day protests a valid enough excuse to bunk off. I changed out of my uniform in the toilets, got the bus to Oxford Street and met up with some very hot university students at the station who I immediately bonded with. After swigging from a vodka bottle, smoking a copious amount of weed and general tomfoolery...I decided I had better get home at a reasonable time or the folks would know I hadn't gone to school.

Of course, I didn't have enough cash for the trains and the buses had stopped due to the still ongoing protest. After about an hour of trying to get home and failing I finally called my Dad to come get me on the train, confessing where I was.

The old man bellowed down the phone that they "bloody knew" -they had already seen me on the television! They had spotted my black and pink hair and trademark jacket a few hours before and had been trying to angrily call my mobile to have a go at me. No amount of apologizing could get my dad in a better mood to come and get me, so I, totally stoned almost passed out on a bench trying to prepare for Dad's wrath to come.

After that a homeless person tried to beat me up for "stealing his bench" and a do-gooder attempted to take away the safety pins on my jacket because I "looked like a self harmer"

Dad eventually turned up with as face like thunder, hollering at me in the street , and me still having not gotten the weed and vodka out of my system, rambling and giggling like a manic 5 year old. It didn't go down well as I was practically dragged unto the train.

When I got home Mum was a nightmare. Besides the banshee-like screaming and plate going smashed, I got the playstation, my only real mate at the time locked up for ages but I didn't care because the munchies had kicked in and all I wanted was food. I will never forget the look on my Mum's face when I interrupted her outraged lecture with a slurred "what's for dinner?"

Approximately an extra two hours shouting was earned from that.

That was about 5 years ago and I'm still being reminded of that day off I took. If I've learned anything from this, it's that if you're somewhere you shouldn't be and TV cameras are liable to be around...it's best not to have unmistakable pink hair.
(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 17:01, More)

» Spoilt Brats

This absoultely takes the fucking cake.
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kQRBaBYoXnM

Her and her parents...foul...

I hope they die.
(Wed 15th Oct 2008, 17:09, More)