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» I hurt my rude bits

Never accept a takey of a crap bike rider!
I've never claimed to be a good bike rider. Infact i'm a terrible one and to this day, i can't hop up onto a kerb (how embarrassing!)
So me and my mate are aged 12 or so and bored in the summer hols. "I know! Lets give each other takeys on your bike! GENIUS!!"
Off we ride with me pedalling and my friend positioned on the tip of the seat in front of me. I failed to inform her that i couldn't do the aformentioned 'kerb-hop' but i gave it a bash anyway.
I hit the kerb at lightning speed and my pal flies forward off the seat and feels the thud of her lady bits hitting the bike frame. One shattered pubic bone and three weeks in the hospital with her traumatized mother wailing "OH MY GOD!! They think she'll never be able to have kids"*
I never did confess that it wasn't entirely an accident

*This theory was rubbished approximatly three years later when the local baghead knocked her up!
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 20:03, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

More 10a stories
Back in the good old days before Arriva ran the show, there was the grand and glorious Merseybus and its double deckers!
Sunday afternoon, Summer 1995 and i'm travelling home from work on the top deck, minding my own business, reading my book and listening to my Walkman.
The two scally knobjockeys behind me start screaming everywhere, throwing stuff and that. Next thing i feel something hot on the back of my head and turn round to see one of them with a lighter setting my fucking hair alight.
These were like 19-20 year old lads and i'm a 16 year old girl at the time. I scream at them to fuck off and leave me alone to no avail. Out comes the stanley knife....right across my back!
Not one person came upstairs to see what was happening either!
After finally escaping down the stairs with blood pouring out of my back, I asked the driver for help to which he replied "Well what do you want me to do?"
I want you to turn down the next road, go to Eaton Road police station and have the cunts who have just shredded me sorted out!
Driver refused to do fuck all so i had to sit downstairs the rest of the way. Arrived home a sobbing mess. My dad flipped, charged to the bus stop and waited for the bus to come back again and gave the driver a piece of his mind (and fist apparently!)
Sixteen stitches i had. Lovely!

This is why i won't just sit there minding my own business if some scally shitstain starts wellying some poor fucker on the bus. Its not nice when nobody will stand up and help you
(Wed 13th Sep 2006, 20:27, More)

» School fights

Maths room haircut.....
I only had one altercation at school which is shocking considering i was the school freak but when you are a 6ft girl with giant shoulders, not many people want to fuck about with you apparently.
It was with this girl who we will call Denise because that was her name. Her ma used to cut her hair and it looked like she did the fringe with a set-square! Wore Nicks trainers claiming they "are what Nike are called in America" WTF?!
Anyway....i digress
She used to tag along with one of the people i had lunch with and one day thought it would be a good idea to make fun of me while there was a lot of people around. I let it go over my head for about half an hour until the red mist appeared and i picked her up by her throat with one hand and threw her over the school fence into an adjacent garden. Everybody laughed and nobody went to help her. I was school hero for about an hour but nobody ever called me a freak again

(Wed 15th Mar 2006, 20:21, More)

» School Sports Day

Sports day at my school consisted of being shipped over to the shitty wing of our school (a good 20 minute walk from the main site) and being forced to do the 1500m unless you were competing in 3 other events.
Sadly for Kerry Jones of Atherton house, nobody else turned up for their team so she was forced to do every event plus the 1500m while we all laughed from the sidelines.
She won fuck all and my mate almost took her out with a javelin. She swore to get her revenge on us. I believe she recently came out of prison.....oh shit!!
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 23:55, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Ick ick
Never will I eat in a KFC after I put in three years in the hellhole.
We had a right fat bastard that worked in the kitchen. Sweat used to literally piss out of him so he had this grotty towel which he hung on the kitchen door handle. URGH!
Don't eat the gravy! (as pointed out by somebody else) It's made with the shit that is scraped from the filters of the fryer each night!
I did some terrible things to the food of Steven Gerrard who used to come in as a 17 year old no-mark flashing his money around. Fillet burgers 'accidentally' stood on, cheese wiped in all the sink scut and chicken guts. Don't piss off a minimum wage monkey!

Also...if a bloke ever hears the cashier shout to the back "Cheese on Till 1" and you're standing at said till...she thinks you're a bit fit and is shouting the female kitchen staff to perv at you through the hot cabinet!!
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 21:55, More)
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