» "You're doing it wrong"

Broken Britain
After reading in the Sun that Britain was all broken and that, I decided it was about time somebody did something about it. The thought of Britain being broken had been the most upsetting thing I'd ever heard ever since I found out about it that morning.

"I'll do something about it!" I triumphantly announced to the postman as he delivered yet more gay porn magazines. (I'm not gay I just enjoy people thinking they have 'one' in their neighbourhood)
"Something about what gaylord?" Answered Postie.
I gave him a proper camp wink and went "you'll find out handsome!" and went back inside.

Pleased with myself for two reasons - 1) my new mission (fixing broken Britain, remember?) and 2) I could put another tick on my 'people who think I'm a homo' wall-chart.

The internet was my first port of call in finding out the best way to sort this shithole out. I needed to know what was wrong with Britain first of all, cos as far as I was concerned it was a pretty decent place. We've got Lemsip, swimming, gay porn mags, Peter Beardsley, T'pau, The Crankies, loads of pigeons, drunk people in town centres with tattoos of their kids names on their necks, Canon & Ball, John Venables, Findus Crispy Pancakes and TGI Friday waiters who tell you their names. All brilliant.

A lot of people on the internet were of the opinion that knives were the problem so I started a petition in favour of forks. Nobody wanted to sign it though, so I filled in 56 pages of fake signatures and sent it to Simon Cowell. Didnt get a response. So it was obvious knives werent the answer.

Next I went round my next door neighbours gaff and asked him what he thought was up with the country.
'All the fucking indians mate' was his instant vociferous reply.
I nodded slowly (fast nodding is for schizos and sex offenders) and went off to buy a cowboy outfit. 'I'll sort those Indian fuckers' I vowed, 'how dare they twat up my country?'.

So there I am, dressed as a cowboy, waiting with my cap-gun all ready to go. About 3 days pass and not one pissing Indian turns up?
Where are they?

I just popped indoors to have a waz and write this account of my mission to let you all know how it's going. Hope I havent missed any Indians while I've been here. The sneaky cunts.

I'm not gay.
(Thu 15th Jul 2010, 20:43, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

Lego Nutter
Last year I was sitting alone in my basement thinking about apartheid when I came across the idea of building myself a girlfriend out of Lego. I'd seen the film 'Weird Science' so I knew that stuff like that was possible so I got to work.

After about 10 minutes I had built her lego tits and lego head. She was quite a looker but was slightly ginger. This upset me a bit and I toyed briefly with the idea of dumping her. "No Brady" I thought to myself "you cant dump a bird comprised only of lego tits and a lego head. Besides, you made her ginger! What did you do that for if you don't like gingers? Fucking idiot!"

"Good point" I said out loud in response to my own statement and carried on working. I got busy grafting her legs and arms and then begun the most important job of all - her lego fanny.
This was a work of art. "i'll give her 3 labias" I thought to myself before deciding against it and just sticking to the basics.

Soon she was completely finished and I tried to fuck her. She was having none of it and just lay there completely rigid. "Come on you Lego bastard" I bellowed in her face. Nothing.

Not even a word of thanks for building her. I got angry at this point and punched her in the tit, knocking her lego nipple clean off. It made a pinging sound as it bounced off the wall.

Still nothing!!! Couldn't believe it. "dont you ever say anything? You idiot? I don't know why I go out with you". At this point I had a moment of epiphany. I realised she was completely deranged and I decided to end it there and then. I knocked her down and built a car out of her. Vroom vroom!!
(Sun 19th Nov 2006, 14:19, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

wasting everybody's time...
I recently met a woman at my local supermarket. Well... when I say "met", what I really mean is 'bought' and I suppose a more appropriate word than 'woman' would be 'pineapple'. But I stand by the use of the word 'supermarket' I'm quite happy with that particular choice thank you very much.

Anyone want some pineapple?
(Mon 16th Apr 2007, 13:30, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

CarpetRight
I once went onto that internet thing and typed in "sex porn". The next thing I know is, three strippers have turned up in my attic and begin insulating it with that fluffy yellow stuff (it's made out of baby chicks).

The next day the strippers are in my garden having it off and bumming each other and stuff, so I go back onto my computer and type in "racism is a bit cheeky" (which it certainly is! I do not approve one bit) and that George W Bush tunnels up through my living room floor and starts sanding down my skirting boards.

So in answer to your question, yes. Yes I would like a Strepsil.
(Fri 17th Mar 2006, 20:27, More)

» Absolute Power

Things I have absolute power over.
1) Buying a wind-up radio and not winding it up.
2) Going out in the garden and pretending to mow my lawn but not actually plugging it in & making lawn-mower sound effects with my mouth so the next door neighbours think its turned on. After 4 hours of "mowing" and the grass still as long as it was at the start. Why would I do this? I haven't.
3) Painting a windowsill red, then putting my cat's food dish up there. Ooohh, unlucky red paws.
4) Laughing at people with AIDS. (I have chosen not to do this.)
5) Making a Powerpoint presentation about the levels of discomfort I would feel throughout the day if I had a massive shit at 7am and decided not to wipe my arse at all.
6) Fucking a Penguin biscuit. Impossible.
7) Not reading 'Dubliners' by James Joyce but telling people I have and it's shit, then telling them it's actually brilliant, then telling them I haven't read it at all.
8) Legally changing my name to Virginity Ballbag.
9) Going to visit my Nana in her residential care home and convincing her that the staff ARE stealing from her. Fun.
10) Farting.
11) Not farting.
12) Discussing nominations with other housemates. Naughty.
13) Bluetoothing photos of all the shelves in my house to complete strangers.
14) Making sex noises at a vicar.
15) In new company talking in a slightly more pronounced northern accent than my actual northern accent, then suddenly dropping it and talking in my actual accent. Omid Djalili is so funny. And fat.
17) Missing out number 16.
16) Putting in number 16 after all but after number 17.
4) Numberwang.
(Sat 10th Jul 2010, 10:52, More)