b3ta.com user le brian
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A gallery of previous puerile nonsense:

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Best answers to questions:

» Pet Peeves

"Baby on board" stickers
Yes, very good, we all now know you're fertile. Jolly well done to you.


* Do you remove the sticker when the baby's not on board?

* Did you really think I was going to crash into your car but had a change of heart when I saw that your darling sproglet was in there with you?

* Do you honestly believe that a car can be so badly mangled in an accident that the emergency services can't find a baby (in a massive car seat), and yet either the baby or the sticker will survive?

And people who have "Princess on board", "Babe on board" and other such variations ought to have their eyes poked out with rusty skewers
(Thu 1st May 2008, 23:30, More)

» Stalked

This girl started following me home
Eventually, she worked out my route, set an ambush, and covered me head to toe in margarine.

And that's how I was Storked.

Sorry, CHCB
(Thu 31st Jan 2008, 16:36, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Spaghetti pizza
There is, believe it or not, such a thing. It's a pizza, with spaghetti on it (and bolognaise sauce).

Chatting, as you do, to the nice girl in the office who I fancied, we got onto the subject. I expressed my disbelief that anyone would put spaghetti on pizza, and, if they did, would then sell it to the public.

"You could come to my house after work and I'll order one..."

Length? 15 months now

In case you're wondering, spaghetti pizza is rather nice, although it's somewhat hard to keep the topping from sliding off the base
Hello, if you're reading this. xx
(Thu 28th Aug 2008, 19:16, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

On the buses
Many years ago, the favoured pastime of Accrington chavs seemed to be to modify the "Do not vandalise this bus" signs.

What started out as the warning "The Managing Director will press for the heaviest penalties against offenders" invariably ended up becoming:

The Managing Director will press h i s pen i s against offenders
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 20:54, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Corrupting children
Christmas shopping the other week, I popped into a branch of Early Learning Centre to pick up some things for my youngest relatives. In amongst the shelves of generic noisy toys and building bricks, there were the tacky TV tie-ins; perfectly ordinary toys wrapped into the shape of a popular children's TV character, to make them sell better.

One such example was the magnetic drawing board. This device, a small writing surface which can be turned black with a magnetic pen, and whitebeige again by wiping the whole thing with a lever on the toy's back, was covering the front of a character from In The Night Garden. Macca-Daisy, or Upsy-Pacca or something. Whatever. The blue one with the red rag.

Naturally, I did what any adolescent trapped in the body of a 31-year-old would do, and drew a massive cock'n'balls on the drawing board, in a roughly anatomically correct position (as anatomically correct as you can be when your schlong reaches half way up your chest. Hello, ladies). I then replaced Macca-Packing on the shelf, behind an unadulterated version of himself, so that his Ninky-Nonk would remain undisplayed until the next person in the shop removed the toy at the front of the shelf.

The only mitigating circumstance which may save me from the fiery place is that the shelf in question was over a metre from the ground, so the kiddywinks won't be the ones to find it.

I think I've dealt with the length already.
(Thu 18th Dec 2008, 12:00, More)
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