» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Not someone I met on the internet
In fact I met him at a drama club (it was in Newcastle, so it doesn't make me a puff!), but he was still a fair ol' interwub horror. He introduced me to Clingfilm-Wrapped-Roy-Orbison stories a couple of months back. He also used to enjoy chatrooms a great deal, entirely due to the joy he took in saying sick things. He was chatting to someone online who asked:

'So what kind of stuff do you like doing then?'

to which he replied,

'Oh, I like making women scream'

'Well, I'm more of a moaner myself'

'What? You moan when people knife-rape you?'

He got no reply! Yay!
(Sat 18th Mar 2006, 12:36, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Perhaps the other way round...
I went to California last year with a housemate of mine.

In a bar in LA we got talking to a couple of girls. We told them we were from england and one said:

"You're from england? Say something in english!"

hmm.

I didn't want to break it to them that both I and they had been saying things in english for some time.

Also, whilst in San Francisco we met a friendly fat, bald yank on a ferry. We'd been busy all day and mentioned that we were hungry.

Says the yank: "Oh, what kind of food do you like? I know good places for absolutely EVERYTHING. Just name it, I'll tell you were to eat"

"Well, I'm vegetarian..."

"No!" he shouts.

Well, that was me told.

Finally, whilst on a train (big double-decker amtrack trains, with a bottom deck that you're only supposed to sit on if you're too fat to get up the stairway) we hear a good bit of commotion from the buffet car next to us. We go through to find a load of schoolgirls in the car, trying to prove themselves by standing on one leg to show off their balance. Trouble is, none of them can stay upright whilst the train is moving, so they keep falling over into chubby yanks with plates full of food.
We reach our stop and flee the train of horror (or at least annoyance), and hop on a coach to Fullerton where we're crashing with a friend from uni. The coach remains almost empty until, at the last minute, we find that all the other seats have been booked by the schoolgirls. Stuck on a bus of ingnorance for two hours, we learn to our amasement that Scotland is in Germany, and hear a girl forget (for almost a minute) how to say the word "bag".
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 1:10, More)

» Strict Parents

My parents
are hideously liberal. They used to encourage me to smoke illicit substances (thank God, not before school, though only because it was too early), so I don't think I was banned from doing anything, really.

My grandmother, however, once hit my dad for playing "bill and ben" with his mate from down the road. She thought they were taking the piss out of some spastic kid.
(Fri 9th Mar 2007, 10:08, More)