b3ta.com user axlette
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» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Where do I start....
This is my first post, I've been reading the qotw for years and nothing has inspired me quite like this question! Allow me to vent my spleen (for an hour or two!) ;)

In chronological order, my various rendevouzs with internet weirdos:

1. He was friendly and lovely and nice and I'd met him on ICQ. He got me drunk on vodka so I threatened him with a pool cue. He still stuck around. So I invited him to a family party in which my assembled family numbered over 60 and somewhat resembled a mob meeting. They got him drunk on vodka, he vomited all over the garden and the house and ran away home. I never saw him again and last I heard he'd moved 300 miles away.

2. Another ICQer. Online, funny and clever. In reality, a 15 year old spotty goth. I have nothing against 15 year olds or goths but I do have something against being persistantly shadowed by them and their terrible hair for almost a year. I think my mother told him I was dead in the end.

3. A good encounter! I advertised for models to help me with an article I was writing and one showed up complete with tight leather trousers and flowing locks. We became very good friends and spent many a drunken time together. He also woke me with a cup of tea every morning whilst still dressed in leather pants. Can't complain really.

4. Moved to a strange area alone and tried to make friends. Met a couple who were seemingly, refreshingly normal. It took three visits to their house before they asked me if I'd like to join their coven. Initiation through sexual contact only. I declined.

5. Had recently broken up with my long term boyfriend and on the rebound met up with someone from mIRC. Got together and somehow managed to ignore for three months the resemblance to Mick Hucknall, the cross dressing and the photos of him dressed as a pony, complete with ball gag and restraints. Came to my senses eventually, dumped him and found out years later that he had informed all the other IRC regulars that he'd dumped me because I wouldn't stop asking him to marry me.

6. A really sweet, nice guy from IRC. When drunk, he was perfectly acceptable but once I sobered up, absolutely nothing to talk about. A couple of sober mornings-after and we drifted apart. I gave it no thought until having bumped into him at another party, I introduced him to my new boyfriend, he got very upset and it eventually emerged that after a year with no contact, he had still believed we were partners. I still get insulted by my friends for dumping someone so callously.

7. A true case of the people bigging themselves up online. What was portrayed as a cool as fuck rocker with a lifestyle to match Tommy Lee's actually turned out to be a submissive, sweet little man with terrible hair, an obsession with maglites and a stomach churning habit of lapping up his bodily fluids from wherever he'd prematurely ejaculated and licking his lips with pleasure.

8. This guy was dangerous because he was just on the appealing side of insane and good at his subversion tactics, heh. Dirty and filthy and all manner of pervert. Never was quite the same after a night on absinthe in which I almost lost my nipple ring to his teeth and consequently covered him in blood.

9. Met a normal person! Been with him 4 years! Well done me :D
(Tue 21st Mar 2006, 23:10, More)

» Buses

A friend of mine is a bus driver. Shortly after passing his training, he accidentally clipped the back wheel of a mobility scooter that was trundling along the road in front of him and in doing so caused the mobility scooter and its undoubtedly surprised occupant to hurtle round and round in circles for a short but nonetheless hilarity inducing time.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 19:30, More)

» Useless advice

High speed thievery
I was once in a car driving down a dual carriageway in darkest Wales (on the way to lovely Holyhead) when I spotted a road sign by the side of said dual carriageway that said in giant flourescent letters 'BEWARE PICK POCKETS'.

Just how fucking fast can pick pockets run these days? We locked the doors anyway.

Oh, and I was advised to do a shitty GNVQ as well. Wasn't that a brilliant idea.

No? No.
(Tue 24th Oct 2006, 19:58, More)

» Nativity Plays

Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam.
In my primary school's radical retelling of the nativity, my brother was asked to take the part of a sunbeam.

Following rehearsals, he was informed he would no longer be required as he was not cheery enough to play said sunbeam.

Kurt Cobain, eat your heart out.
(Thu 26th Mar 2009, 20:32, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Why my mother shouldn't be allowed on the internet...
Not sure it was an innuendo in the true sense of the word but it was certainly accidental and undeniably hilarious when my mother (looking for baby clothes for her granddaughter) could not get www.famoussas.com to load on her puter.

She decided my brother must have given her the wrong spelling and instead tried to shop for baby clothes via www.famousass.com. Ultimately unsuccessful.

Don't even ask about the family meal that involved me having to explain to her what spit roasting meant.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 15:34, More)
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