b3ta.com user MichaelLinge
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I'm a twat, me.

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» Evil Pranks

I Pin
Some 20 years ago when my young Daughter, Baby ElephantFresh was about 18 months old we'd had ice cream for tea.

The next morning Baby EF wanted some more, she couldn't say Ice Cream but cutely called it "I Pin". She pleaded with me & the then Mrs.ElephantFresh, "I pin, I pin!!"

Eventually me and the Mrs said "Ok then" and disappeard into the kitchen. We opened the ice cream and just rubbed some around our mouths. We then went out the kitchen and said to Baby EF, "Sorry Baby EF, there isn't any ice cream." With this our lovely daughter looked at us with disappointment in her eyes.

She then started to study us and a look of horror slowly came across her little face as the ice cream on our faces started to register. She then slowly pointed at us and shouted in rage "You've eaten it!!!!!!" before throwing herself on the floor, howling. God was it funny.

It took us ages to calm her down even with a great big bowl of I pin.

I don't think it did her any harm - if you don't count the Mental Institution* and self-harming* and the fact that we've not seen her for 8 years*. Sob.

*not really
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 13:26, More)

» Heckles

Comedy Club
Only one I'll admit to....

Local comedy club, compere shouts "Good Evening everyone!! Are we all ready for a great night of comedy?"

"No, we're gonna stay here" I shouted.

Well, it got a laugh there.

(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 9:23, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

I'm fat, nearly 50, alone & fed-up. Not quite what I had looked forward to.

Bollocks. Where's it all gone? Can I have another go?

*kicks himself up the Jacksy*

Length - even thats got shorter
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 13:41, More)

» Desperate Times

Welsh Fog
Many years ago I was driving some mates back to Leeds after watching Leeds v Swansea. We'd stopped overnight in Port Talbot and had been told to leave the town by the plod (another story) at around 4am. I was knackered so told my mates we'd have to stop so I could have a bit of a kip. In the middle of nowhere in the thick welsh fog I spotted a sign to a picnic area. I stopped & we all went to sleep. After about an hour I woke and was in dire need of a crap. I tried to wait but it became desperate. I left my sleeping mates about 5.30am and wandered off into the fog to find somewhere to deposit. I came across some picnic benches, you know - the tressle type? I dropped my kegs and sat on the bench with my arse hanging over the edge. "Right, here goes" thought I and released the previous evenings lager & curry in one great cow-pat like explosion. With comedy timing and at that exact time a couple emerged from the fog walking their dog. "Morning" I said. "Morning" they replied, as they disappeared back into the fog. What were the chances of that?! I wonder if they ever tell the tale?
(Tue 20th Nov 2007, 16:39, More)

» Buses

Back in about 1975 as a young 16 year old I was the proud owner of an NSU Quickly (50cc Moped). I used this to go the 2-3 miles to my local school.
I thought I was Jack the Lad.
One day as I neared school, my exhaust silencer fell-off. This certainly humoured the watching pupil pedestrians.
I stopped, dismounted and was just walking back to pick it up off the road when a great big double decker school bus ran over it.
I picked it up and it was like a cartoon comedy flattened exhaust - looking like a massive chrome pancake.
I think my complexion was redder than the bus and the pointing and howls of laughter still haunt my sleep.

Jack the Lad? Twat more like.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 13:49, More)
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