b3ta.com user the tartful splodger
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» Never Meet Your Heroes

take it like you love it!
a friend, John M he worked for the BBC in Cardiff nothing important just a production assistant. one Thursday "Question Time", politics Q & A show for those who don't know, was being done in St. Davids Hall Cardiff, the ever so high and mighty and self righteous presenter, no name but his brother is Jonathon Dimbleby, has a hissy fit because the T.V. supplied in his dressing room is too small and john is tasked to sort it out which he duely does. unfortunately the new telly wouldn't fit on the existing stand so had to go on the dressing table so he puts it on there but knocked over Mr. Ds' briefcase and what falls out? Hardcore BDSM porn & contact mags, not just one or two but shit loads so next time you wacth his smug face just think "bring out the Gimp" and try not to smile.
(Thu 25th May 2006, 16:15, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

blindingly obivous
I once used too much explosive and destroyed the whole van, apparently I was "ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF"
(Mon 8th May 2006, 9:06, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

probably be loads like this.
years ago I had to Waiter On in the officers mess, something anyone in the forces knows is a right pain in the arse. one of the young officers thought he was at some private members club in the days of the British Rajh in India, snapping his fingers for service, talking in an exagerated posh voice, groping the waitresses (yes there are women in the army too)etc. So he got the full treatment of semen in his food, dicks dipped in to his drinks and even one of said waitresses tampons being squeezed out in to his soup. stuck little prick was sick as a dog the next two days and even got fined by the C.O. for being unable to soldier due to self inflicted injury, everyone put it down to a hangover.
the two best things about waiting on were seeing the officers doing things they shouldn't, it's hard for anyone to bollock a man who has caught him and another officer spit roasting the doctor (it was a female doctor)and the free food and drink, regimental dinners are like banquets. anything that isn't eaten is thrown away so the waiters tend to live like kings on smoked slamon, pheasant, goose etc. and the number of open bottles of port, congac, champagene looking for a good home is amazing.
on second thoughts waiting on, not such a pain.
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 10:59, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

see the luck I've had would make a good man, bad...
As some may know I jacked my job last week, could no longer stand the boss, twunt etc. Anyhoo I went in on Montag to hand in the company laptop, car, phone etc and our biggest client was in the office, a quick chat, he agrees the boss is a numpty, took me out for a "wet lunch" ended up pissed as fools and has now given me a new job, more money and longer holidays, HAPPY DAYZ!! On top of that I've just won a brand new 307cc in a raffle I don't remember entering and my girlfriend has just found out she's not I say again NOT pregnant!! all together the jamiest week scince the time I had sex with the marmalade jar!!
P.S. Crown prince of... you're spot on I advise everyone to check travelodge etc for porn more often than not your luck will be in.
(Fri 15th Sep 2006, 8:53, More)

» Barred

to top it all off
i've just been barred from my place of work. Sacked. for telling my lying piece of shit of a boss he's a lying piece of shit. I've just worked my arse off to complete a project and give all the final presentations etc. only to be told it's been cancelled and I should have been told 6 weeks ago. WTFFF!!!! now out of work and very pissed off, still if they want their company car, lap top, phone etc back they can whistle and I'm off on the lash with the company credit card, lets see how my more times i can get barred in 24hrs, look for me on Crime watch!!!!
(Wed 6th Sep 2006, 9:21, More)
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