» Ignoring Instructions

Working in a brewery as a teenager back in Waterford
we, the holiday workers, were allowed one bottle of soft drink each at morning break, so we arranged to relabel some bottles of alcoholic cider with apple juice labels. Relabelled dozens of bottles, enough to see us through the summer. Second week of the holidays all the bottles got shipped out to be sold. That would have been one hell of a kids birthday party. We were let go within weeks.
(Mon 8th May 2006, 7:07, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

One way ticket...
A friend of my nephews came down from newcastle on the train last sunday and an old lady sitting next to him died. He said the worst thing was his friend didn't believe him and tried to get her to stand up.
The guard said there was nothing he could do so they'd keep going...
(Mon 15th May 2006, 7:54, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

Neigh...
I still regret missing out on that job with the blacksmith.
He asked me did I ever shoe a horse and all I could say was, "No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once..."

Sorry about the radius but the tablets are kicking in
(Fri 6th Oct 2006, 7:26, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Where's the cheese...
My father, years ago, worked for the local council as a health inspector. One of his duties was to go around to real old graveyards and test vacent spots for remains. He often brought us with him for a day out. He had to drive an oversize cheese tester about 6 or 7 feet into the ground, give it a twist and pull it out again. We got to search the sample for bone fragments and bits of cloth. If we found none it was safe to bury someone there. Space was obviously at a premium.
Another one he taught me when I started working was whenever you survey a graveyard look out for the graves that are off line. They'll be the burials from around christmas. Drunken gravegiggers and all that. He was right.
(Mon 15th May 2006, 5:46, More)

» Road Rage

Difficult child reminded me... Karma
Girl friend on mine driving home "carefully" after the pub, pissed, got t-boned by an off duty cop. Squad car arrives, throws the off duty into the back and breathalyses me mate. She's duly summoned to appear in court, charged with drunk driving and told if she pleads guilty will lose the licence for 3 months but otherwise could be fucked. Pleads guilty, loses licence, thanks.
Enter stage left - one off duty cop.
Takes her to court for wrecking his life as a result of driving drunk, remember she pleaded guilty...
Loses squillions and has to change her life to pay him off.
Shortly afterward his new replacement car burst into flames in the driveway of his house. Much running around but eventually insurance company gives him a new car.
Shortly afterward this new car burst etc. etc... (involves more flames).
Once more replaced.
Once more spontaneous combustion.
Even when my mate left the scene and moved to a different part of the country flames were occasionally seen in the distance licking the night skys. The cop eventually transferred out west but guess what!!!
For years after any means of transport he acquired went up in flames. (No animals were hurt or injured during this story).

God. You can't beat a good grudge every now and then, and a wide circle of pyromaniac friends...
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 4:47, More)