b3ta.com user Mr._Pickles
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» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

"Doctor, doctor...
The GUI on my Unix based system has crashed and it's left me with just a command line prompt. Is it serious?"

"I'm afraid it's Terminal."
(Wed 9th May 2018, 0:17, More)

» Guilty Laughs

In Leeds train station,
they have automatic gates to make sure you have a valid ticket before you enter or leave the platform areas.

One day, as I was making my way through them on to the platform I see a mother pushing a pram with a toddler in tow coming the other way. She put her ticket in, the gates opened and through she went with the fluid ease of a woman who has done this many times before. The toddler, not so much. As his mother walked through the gates his attention was elsewhere and he stood still for a second. Turning round and seeing the gates open and mummy walking away he starts to run. I could see what was about to happen; I knew how long the gates stay open for and I could tell that he wasn't going to make it. What I didn't predict was how perfect his timing would be. As he ran towards the gates in that way that toddlers will, totally blind to danger or obstacles, they swung shut and smashed in to his face, knocking him backwards and nearly lifting him clean off his feet.

I laughed. And laughed again when describing the scene later on.

Note: the kid was fine. They bounce when they're that age.
(Thu 22nd Jul 2010, 15:59, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

mc@hammer: ~ $ ls
mc@hammer: ~ $ touch this
touch: cannot touch 'this': Permission denied
mc@hammer: ~ $ sudo !!
[sudo] password for mc: **********
mc@hammer: ~ $ ls
(Wed 9th May 2018, 0:27, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

On a dirty white van:
Dirty van seeks hot sponge for good clean fun.

There was also an anti smoking campaign at my friend's college which had the title 'The advantages of smoking' and then the rest of the poster was left blank. It was behind those perspex screens, but someone had managed to get one out and write things like 'It makes you thin' and 'It makes you look cool and sophisticated'

EDIT: This is really good graffiti though. Art on the back of vans. BBC story

can't think of a good length joke...
(Sat 5th May 2007, 17:36, More)

» Mistaken Identity

I have lost count of the times that I have been mistaken for a woman
(I'm most definatly not.*checks* nope, definatly not.)

Although I do have very long hair in rather good condition, which might account for some of it, a few occasions are recounted here for your delictation:

1) At a foam party a 40 year old bloke came up to me and put his arm round my waist. I politly told him "I'm really not your type" and proceded to avoid his advances for a good two more minutes before he said "you're a bloke aint ya?" and dissappeared into the foam.

2) Another similar occasion where a drunken student tried to dance with me before taking a second look and saying "Do you have a penis?" to which I replied "yes"

3) Rocky Horror - once to see the show, once to a rocky horror night in a club, both times trying to be a bad transvestite, both times looking not only convincing but also hot. Not my opinion, but what I was told by many people in that club.

Add to this all the times when my girlfiend and I have been mistaken for lesbians, and other assorted "excuse me miss/love" moments.

Lessons I have learned from this? well, I look better in a dress than most girls but there is no way I'd wear one all the time.

Length? Well obviously they didn't think I had any at first...
(Fri 1st Jun 2007, 9:48, More)
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