b3ta.com user bitchman
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Listen, you f**kers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up... and made some humourous images for b3ta.

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the original version of Guitar Hero wasn't quite as much fun...

(Thu 15th Jan 2009, 12:00, More)

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» Voyeurism

A Hull Bound Moment
I watched a blind guy walk into a wall once...

I could see he was aiming for the doorway, and I could also see that he was about 1 foot too far to the right...

I also had time to shout out my window "watch out!"...

but instead I sat there peering out at him as he walked face first into the brick wall.

And yes, I laughed my arse off.
(Sun 14th Oct 2007, 1:00, More)

» Neighbours

My university Neighbours.
10 years ago I was all signed up to go to a local university and stay at home, when at the last minute the feeling that I would be missing out on the 'university experience' compelled me to apply at the last minute to a uni half way up the country and move away.

I was sure I'd spend three years partaking in a non stop orgy of birds and booze but unfortunately my last minute application meant that halls of residence accomodation was almost full - and I was given (without my knowledge I might add) a room in the disabled block.

My flatmates were so bizarre that sometimes I'm not sure if I actually lived through this part of my life or just dreamt it.

My first flatmate was a arthritic Yorkshire lad called Dave. He was a nice chap but was completely obsessed with Forrest Gump. Any excuse he could get he would talk about Forrest Gump, do Forrest Gump impressions, ask me if I wanted to watch Forrest Gump... then he became obsessed with Championship Manager.

The only problem was Championship Manager was on my PC in my room and without exageration he spent probably 10 hours a day in my room at the PC playing Championship Manager. Looking back it was so bizarre, but I used to literally go to bed and leave him playing Championship Manager at my desk while I slept. I'd fall asleep to him telling me about his latest signings and his chances of winning the UEFA cup this season like some weird John Motson bedtime story.

My next Neighbour was a deaf guy called Dan. To put into perspective how strange he was he actually lived about 15 miles away but his parents sent him to live in the halls just to get rid of him. On THE FIRST DAY WE MET HIM he told us that he'd had sex with three girls but he couldn't get them pregnant because - and I quote - "nothing comes out". Then things got stranger... he kept dropping hints about how he found men attractive, then told us on one occasion that he'd actually had sex with three 'boys'. When he joined the LBGT society I thought something was suspicious... but when he got drunk and tried to kiss me the penny dropped. I would have been flattered but he was an ugly fucker! Being a strange deaf gay guy wasn't actually the annoying part though... he was annoying because he used to listen to Celine Dion in his room and sing along at the top of his voice. Being both deaf having the Celine Dion cranked up at full volume he couldn't hear us banging on his locked door to shut up so we literally had to wait until he got bored and stopped singing to get some peace. He also had a weird thing about sharing, to the point that he kept things like his toaster and his kitchen utensils in his room instead of the kitchen. We wouldn't have minded but on one occasion he unplugged the freezer to use his toaster then forgot to plug it back in, completely ruining all our food. Convinced he was going to be the subject of a revenge attack he started storing all his own food in his room as well, including an unrefridgerated roast chicken. It wasn't until a week later when the smell of rotting meat started to fill up the corridor that we realised what had happened.

So that was room number two in our corridor of four, but what of the final room?

Well this room stayed suspiciously empty for a few weeks after term began. As time passed anticipation grew... could my next flatmate be be a hot disabled chick desperate for a young able bodied brummy such as myself to give her a good rogering every night??

Unfortunately no - it was a deaf and mute middle aged African man.

I never quite worked out if this guy's name was Seygon, or Seygu or Seygo. Different people used to call him different things. He was literally stone deaf and mute though, so we couldn't exactly ask him. He could only communicate by whistling and chirping which was weird, but perhaps even weirder was that when he moved in he brought 2 of his own matresses - despite the fact the rooms where furnished. For some reason he put his own matresses on top of his uni issued one so when he slept he was about 4 feet off the ground. He also used to sit in the corner cross legged watching TV and looked like a little, bald African Leprechaun.

Seygon/Seygu/Seygo was an alright bloke...or so we thought. One day he was moved out of the halls in what had to be some kind of covert op by the accomodation department as he was just gone without a trace when I came back from lectures one day. It turned out a woman on the top floor had accused him of sexually assaulting her and he'd had to leave the halls. But here's the kicker... they moved him into a flat in the posh halls with seven normal party loving students! I would have been molesting women on my second day there if I knew what the reward would have been!

Well we're almost at the end of my tale, but not before I tell you about my final neighbour who moved int Seygon/Seygo/Seygu's flat after he was removed - Lee Yung. Lee Yung was actually an OK dude. he was a foreign student from Shanghai and used to cook us Chinese food all the time. Being a fan of Hong Kong Cinema I had plenty to talk about with him and generally he was good to hang around with. Of course, with my luck he also had some bizarre quirks that made living with him insane.

Firstly because all his friends were in China he used to sleep in the day then stay up all night online chatting and playing Starcraft. It wouldn't be so bad but he used to have a subwoofer so I'd be continuously woke up in the night by bassy explosions and laser fire. Secondly he used to wear weird Giles Brandworth-esque wooly jumpers... AND NO TROUSERS! He used to wander round wearing Y-fronts and a ridiculous eighties-fied knitted jumper with a fag hanging out of his mouth in classic Chinese style (he smoked like a chimney and simply put wet paper towels over all the smoke alarms to get away with it).

I don't know why but he also became obsessed with eating chips. He'd randomly knock on my door and shout "WANT CHIPS?" in the middle of the night. I'd follow him to the kitchen where a huge pile of chips would be waiting for us.. again not a bad thing but a strange obsession nothingless.

Now Lee Yung's final quirk is perhaps the strangest of all. My room was right next to the bathroom,and when his girlfriend came to stay I heard some naughtiness going on in the shower. His girlfriend was letting out very polite and refined moans of pleasure - but not Lee Yung... for some reason Lee Yung was laughing non stop and singing patriotic Chinese folk songs... WHILE SHAGGING!!!

Well I've been writing this for 30 minutes now so I think I'll stop... but I swear not one word of this is a lie.
(Fri 2nd Oct 2009, 2:00, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

crappest excuse ever
It was the first year of university when my first near miss happened. I'd just gone to uni straight out of college where I did an I.T GNVQ (several nerdy males staring at PCs all day) and was rather rusty in the art of inter-gender socialising.

I was at the student union bar with some friends when I got chatting to a girl. Next thing you know she's taken me into a corner and whispers into my ear 'want to come back to my place?'.

My heart feels like it's jumped out of my chest at this point; I've waited 19 years for the opportunity and here it is being presented to me on a plate. I was totally oblivious to how these things work at university and had never encountered anything as forward as this. In my mind I was assuming that to pop my cherry I'd at least have some time to work up to 'doing the deed' and prepare for it mentally, a couple of dates or something at least. My next thought was that she must have assumed I knew what I was doing and if I just went back to her house I was pretty sure I would be crap and could never live it down.

All this ran through my head within a split second. I decided to chicken out but I needed to think of a legitimate excuse... the reason being I didn't want to offend her and hopefully I could prepare myself mentally in the near future and take her up on her offer.

What was my killer excuse? "Sorry, I've got the runs". Cue me exit stage right and back to the halls where I instantly regretted a) being such a chickenshit and b) thinking up such a crap excuse.

I did see her around after that and to her credit she managed to make small talk with me on a couple of occasions... but I guess that certain something she saw in me had just dissapeared once she thought I'd turned down a shag for an evening with the porcelain throne.
(Sun 29th Oct 2006, 21:56, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

My dad went away for a week so I invited some friends round for an all night drinking and DVD session. One of my oldest friends rings me up around 10PM and says "I'm at a club at the moment but can I come round about midnight?"
Being the charitable old soul I am I agree, but midnight comes around and there's no sign. At 2AM I get a phone call; "Yo can I come around now? Just one thing... these two girls I work with are with me... can they come round too?".
So I'm in a long term relationship with a girl who, while beautiful, funny and smart, has some - to put it kindly - abandonment and trust issues. I know that if she discovers I had two drunk chicks in my house, even though I had no intention of doing anything untoward, there would be hell to pay. So I argue with my gimp of a friend for about 15 minutes yet in the end I back down and let him come around. The fucker turns up with these two barely standing drunk tarts, proceeds to puke up in my sink, initiates a game of strip poker with them then stumbles off into the night leaving his two associates on my settee in various states of conciousness. Thankfully a couple of my better mates gave them both lifts home (one subsequently got lost taking her home, drove out into the sticks and ended up getting accused of attempting to sexually assault her... a double whammy 'thats the thanks I got' story...)

Flash forward to the next morning... my bitch sister - whom I very much hate and very much intentionally kept awake the night before with loud music and laughter - is spoiling to tell my girfriend that I had a wild fling (total bullshit) with these two chicks, so I pre-emptive strike her and describe the night before to my lovely missus.

As expected she flies off the handle, gives me an earbashing and tells me in not so many words to fuck off. I ring my friend to say "thanks for that one mate"

His response? Via text message: "U shudn't have tld ur girlfriend but I'm not takin da blame for dis one its not my fault."

Anyway I made up with me lady but suprisingly I've not seen that mate around too much recently... the tosser
(Sun 27th May 2007, 23:55, More)

» Barred

I'm apparently banned from the Wolverhampton branch of Asda
coming back from a night out we decided to stop off at a 24 hour Asda. What happened next is a blur but all I remember is doing an impression of a mentally handicapped person at the checkout and then being escorted off the premises by security guards. After I caught up with a friend the next day he tells me that I actually climbed inside one of the freezer units, something I have no recollection of whatsoever.

As it is I'm supposedly banned but I've been back countless times without the long arm of Asda Security cottoning on.
(Sat 2nd Sep 2006, 23:59, More)
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