» Evil Pranks

Not mine but still a worthy yarn...
An old mate of mine used to be a labourer type for a developer (buildings not software). As he was the new boy, he was ripe for the taking.

First fix of plumbing had been done in one house and the easiest way to establish which is hot and which is cold at a particular point was to get someone to blow down the hot pipe at the boiler end. Wherever the rush of air came out was the hot tap...(you can guess where this is going).

"Oi new boy! Can you blow down the hot pipe for us please?"

Sure enough, new boy thinks nothing of it and blows down the copper pipe. Couldn't work out why everyone else was rolling around the floor laughing.

Turns out, the biggest, fatest bastard on site had dropped his pants and liberally wiped his arse around the hot pipe that new boy had so obediently blown through.

From then on, new boy carried a small length of copper pipe in his pocket...:O)
(Mon 17th Dec 2007, 10:45, More)

» Pet Stories

Oliver the Burmese...
Oliver was a Burmese cat but, in spite of the snip, was as butch as they come - always fighting and was eventually was sent to live with a pensioner near a farm as he was "marking territory" by spraying the skirting boards. Nice. Great smell.

Anyhoo, one Sunday night the family were all slumped in front of the idiot's lantern (telly) when there was a weird clattering of the cat flap. It sounded like the cat flap was being removed by smashing against it with a distinctly non-cat object.

Dad opens the curtains to see Oliver heroically trying to enter house with a full size Sunday joint (uncooked, large).

Dad swiftly opens door, removes joint from seriously narked cat and dumps it in the bin before anyone notices.

Second tale - as previously mentioned, Oliver was a cat's cat. He was a bit of a bully really and terrorised the neighbourhood. For some unknown reason, Mrs Binty McBint, three doors down, buys a ginger kitten. All very cute.

"ding dong" - open door. Mrs McBint holding bloody ginger kitten in hands, just about breathing.

"Your cat did this."

"oh, I'm so sorry.."

"Not only did your cat do this, he came in my house, chased kitten into my bedroom and then beat the hell out of it."

"...ah."

This is why he was sent away - top cat but just the wrong side of wild for suburbia.

Pop!
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 11:37, More)

» * PFFT *

Public Humiliation
My mother farts like a banshee. She also reverts to a ten year old boy when she farts and frequently (literally) wets herself laughing.

She also has no shame.

Childhood. Thursday. Shopping day. Dutiful son dragged along. Random aisle in supermarket, good cross section of the population in close proximity.

"FWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTTTTT" - sharp intake of breath from mother followed by accusatory "McVitie!".

Cue dutiful son turning beetroot.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 17:22, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Quick (and dirty)...
Working as a temp in a long-since-taken-over building society back office. One of the permanents is on the phone to a customer when her computer crashes.

"Oh, the computer has just gone down on me!" - cue stunned silence, muffled laughter, hysterical laughter and the phone being slammed down...
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 10:49, More)