» I hurt my rude bits

Giving birth hurts
Giving birth to my overly large son wasn't a pleasant experience. After being advised that the doctor was going to have to 'make a little cut' so there was more room to insert the salad server style forceps, I reluctantly agreed asking that if he was going to give me one large hole rather than the regulation two perhaps he could do that in just one cut? 'Yes, yes, of course' he says, whilst happily rumaging at the foot end of the bed going 'snip snip snip'. Understandably annoyed, I chose to ignore the large snapping sound I heard as my child was finally wrenched from my poor wrecked lady bits. I found out the next day that the snapping was my coccyx breaking, resulting in me being unable to sit up straight for three months and an unusual feeling of it wobbling around when I sit on a hard surface. Still, in my traumatized mind I like to pretend the snapping noise was just a doctor putting on their gloves. Denial is my friend.
(Wed 19th Jul 2006, 9:35, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Man Gash
A couple of years ago my husband noticed a rather large spot in the no mans land area of his nether regions (perineum), this then swelled to the size of a satsuma and was eventually (when he was brave enough to show a doctor) diagnosed as an abcess.

Cue trip to hospital to have it lanced. They simply sliced it open and packed it full of dressings, which had to be changed by the local district nurse team (how they must have looked forward to that) every day. Anyhoo, it didn't work and he had to have the procedure performed again. This time it put some pressure on one of the arteries in the area which eventually fell apart and started spurting blood all over my bathroom.

I was alerted to the incident by a telephone call from the District Nurse who was concerned not to alarm me (he had been rushed into hospital in an ambulance) as I was 8 months pregnant at the time. Unfortunately when she rung I was stuck in a broken lift with 6 work colleagues but that's another story.

During the four months he had to have off work to finally cure the abcess I affectionatly referred to it as his 'man gash'.
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 15:00, More)

» Debt pron

Default default default
At the tender age of 18 (12 years ago and before a single reality tv show and debt is evil headline) I acquired a store card (soon to become four), credit card and overdraft. The store cards started at £300 and ended up at £1,500 a piece, the credit card was £2k and the overdraft £500. Add to that the car loan to buy a car for an ex boyfriend that is best left unmentioned my debt suddenly soared to around £15,000. I was earning £9k, living in a flat that cost £500 a month with a boyfriend that was out of work, needed money for fags, petrol and 'going out'.

I think we can see where this is going. After hanging on by the skin of my teeth paying no household bills and a food budget of £15 a week, I politely asked my ex to pay my wage cheque into my account for me (this is how long ago this was!). Two weeks later I was flummoxed as to why it still had not cleared after several reassurances that 'yes, I paid it in the day you asked' so I visited the bank to find out why. Cue the appearance of the manager, who swiftly swept me into a private room, took my card and cheque book away from me, arranged a consolidation loan to pay off the charges I had incurred and informed me that if I wanted to get money out of my account I was to make an appointment with him personally so that he could okay it.

So.....Two months late on the rent I did a moonlight flit to stay with my sister, started using an old and very empty savings account (without even so much as a cash card), wrote 'gone away' on the front of every letter I received, declined to answer the phone, declined to register on the electoral roll and told my parents that in no way should they ever tell anyone that called for me at their house where I was.

I never paid a penny of it back.

However....I still do not own a cheque book, switch card or credit card (with the exception of the card kindly given to me by my husband). I am not on our mortgage and I still jump every time a letter that looks like a bill pops through the letter box. On the plus side, after I married I did go back on the electoral roll so I do get to vote like a real person now.

Would I have done anything differently? Fuck yeah, I'd have spent that £5k loan on me instead of my fuckwit ex boyfriend.

No apologies for length, I didn't even mention the court summonses for non payment of council tax and the fact that the car was written off six months after it was bought.
(Fri 24th Nov 2006, 19:54, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

Slave labour
I am a stay at home mum (housewife, for the uninitiated).

What thanks do I get for that? Constant reminders that I will be returning to work when our offspring starts school and questions about what is for dinner and where the clean underwear is. Oh no, don't thank me for giving our child the best start in life, sacrificing my sanity and working like a horse for nothing more than the joy of changing nappies and cooking fish fingers. That would be just wrong.
(Wed 30th May 2007, 16:31, More)

» What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

General Synod
I used to believe that the General Synod was a military man tasked with overseeing The Church. Only worked that one out in my early 20's. I was also extraordinarily confused by Fingerbobs (at a much younger age) - I knew they were finger puppets, but my mind simply couldn't straighten out how the puppeteer's arms could reach all the way to the seaside with the prawn puppets when I'd just seen him in the studio with the mice.
(Fri 20th Jan 2012, 19:10, More)