b3ta.com user stygof
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» Evil Pranks

Not mine, though I wish I'd thought of them!
Happened a good while back, before those cnuts in Government started making us earn our piddling wage: "Working" in the emergency services, we used to sleep most nights, largely undisturbed by Joe Public & their trifling little problems. (My house is on fire, I'm trapped in a crashed car, my wife's not breathing - that kind of thing).
LOTS of opportunities for pranks! Best one to my mind was quite inventive: Bunman, for that was his moniker, took a 1 litre plastic tub & put about 2 inches of water in it, then froze it. Then every hour he added a few more inches of water with a snooker ball & froze that, until he had, at the end of his 12 hour day shift, a 1 litre block of ice with about 10 snooker balls suspended throughout the block.
This was placed in the roofspace above the suspended ceiling, whereupon it started to thaw.
So at about hourly intervals all night, there would be a loud THUD on the ceiling, keeping the night crew awake & confused.
Only the large wet patch (still visible some years later) was able to give the game away as to how he'd done it.
Less effort, but equally funny results; when Bunman was on nights & the other crew were out, we had a power cut. Bunman turned everything on; TV (full volume), HiFi (full volume), all lights etc. Then he gets sent on standby somewhere else. The other crew return to a deathly quiet, dark station with no power & proceed to bed down.
One of them went completely apeshit when the power came back on...
You really, really wouldn't want us coming out to you in your hour of need, especially if you've done something silly with a hoover (or a turkey baster, or any number of other household items...)
Plogies for length, but we get too much time on our hands when you're not calling us out!
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 11:39, More)

» When Animals Attack

When Great Danes Attack
When I was a single fella I used to have a great dane, lovely animal, came from rescue, a bit dim, but not a bad bone in her...
In the 11 years I had her, she was walked (almost)every morning, rain or shine & it was the high point of her (very lazy) day.
One morning I had a truly monumental hangover & simply couldn't be arsed to get up & walk her.
Living in a bungalow with such a large animal, you have to have a few ground rules: the dog isn't allowed into the bedroom being rule numero uno.
On this morning, rule numero uno was ignored & a large sad looking face appeared inches from my own. As I yawned she chose that moment to sneeze, right into my open mouth.
One lazy, hungover twat suddenly found the energy to get up very quickly indeed & rush to the bathroom, trying very hard not to get reaquainted with last nights beverages.
Needless to say, the dog's tail was wagging fit to flail a masochist into exctasy; her lovely owner had got up in a hurry just to give her a walk... and I did after using most of a bottle of mouthwash...
(Wed 30th Apr 2008, 6:11, More)

» Evil Pranks

We sent a full cooked English Breakfast,by snailmail, to my mate at Newcastle University (Living in a hall of residence)...
...one item at a time...(bacon, then sausage, then fried bread etc)...
...over several weeks...
...the last item was a very greasy/smelly fried egg...
...and he had to sign for every piece of mail that he received.
Childish (tick)
Unpleasant (tick)
Funny as fack (tick)
Length: about 8 weeks
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 11:12, More)

» Little Moments of Joy

Little moments of Joy
I'm one of the spaktards that works unbelievable hours for shit pay, only to be told by Cameron that my pay has gone up (it hasn't, the cnut has frozen it, so I won't even get my 1% I was promised).
Anyway, caring for those in the direst need has other rewards:
1. A patient taking a breath after "being down" for 20 minutes.
2. A patient taking it's first breath.
3. A patient taking their last breath, now their suffering is over.
So stuff your 1% Cameron, up your tight wrinkly sphincter, because all of the above are worth more than your sickening corrupt 11% pay increase you've awarded yourselves!
(Sun 26th Jan 2014, 22:34, More)

» Fears and Phobias

He's gonna hate me for posting this...
Mate at work, on the Ambos, has a proper, full blown phobia of banana skins. Bananas are fine when zipped up, it's just the skins.
Anyway, long story, short.
He's working on an Ambo with a couple of female paramedics (it's called third-manning; don't ask), when one of them drops a banana skin on the floor between the front seats, intending to dispose of it later. He's driving & visibly flinches, so she asks why? Like an idiot, he tells the two lasses about his phobia.
Fast forward to later in the shift. They're in a large care home & he's sent back to the truck to fetch the stretcher. After a while, when there's still no sign of him, one of the lasses says she'd better go look for him. The care home manager tells her they can look on the cctv, because they have a camera on the front door. Switching it on they are greeted by the sight of him just as he discovers the banana skin, tucked into his jacket pocket.
I think the phrase was "dancing like an epileptic apache"
Sadly no video recorder was attached to the cctv.
(Fri 12th Sep 2014, 10:15, More)
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