» Intense Friendships

Monkey - what a wierdo
When I was younger (bout 10 ish) I used to hang around with this kid nicknamed Monkey. Just in case you were wondering, he was called that because he looked like a monkey in all his baby pictures.

Anyway for his tenth birthday he had a party round his house. Me and a few other kids from school were invited. We were all messing about, getting sugar rushes off the vast amounts of cherryade and sweets we'd been supplied with by his mum.

Monkey had a giant teddy bear, roughly about the same size as him which we were pretending to do Wrestling moves on, as ten year olds do. Monkey, being a dirty little bastard got a bit over excited and pulled his trousers and pants down and started to try and shag the teddy bear while shouting 'Oh its Jet' (Jet from the popular early 90's TV series Gladiators by the way)

Fair play to Monkey, if you're gonna have imaginary sex with a teddy bear in front of your mates at least do it while shouting out the name of a fitty. Jet from Gladiators was a right looker! Nevertheless that vision will stay with me for the rest of my life. I stopped hanging out with Monkey a short time after that.
(Tue 1st Aug 2006, 12:14, More)

» Being told off as an adult

My last job
was in a factory outlet centre (basically a big warehouse which sells shit clothes).

I used to work in the mens department with a mate of mine. We used to sell plus size clothing for fat bastards, some of the sizes went up to a massive 9XL! We used to fritter away the quiet weekday afternoons by trying on the massive clothes, seeing if one person could fit down one leg of the 9XL jeans etc. There was one lady that worked there, a right miserable old cow, and one day she caught us in the act of larking about with the massive clothes. Her response?

"Go and stand in the corner! One at one end of the menswear department, one at the other!"

So there we were, two 19 year olds stood in 'the naughty corner' getting paid £5.50 per hour.
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 14:28, More)

» Failed

Life

(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 10:53, More)

» Pet Stories

Poppy
Our family has always had cats, our current feline tenant is called Poppy. Poppy is a small tabby cat, who looks very sweet but is in fact the most unfriendly cat I've ever owned. As a result of her being so horrible, Karma has decided to re-address the cosmic balance by inflicting two slices of bad luck upon Poppy.

Before Poppy had been spayed she was quite a hit with the Tom Cats down our Road. One night after hearing some loud banshee style screeching from the back Garden my Mum thinks it would be a good idea to get the cat in. She opens the back door and in bowls Poppy, covered in some dodgy white substance. My mum shrieks and then declares at the top of her voice "Oh Poppy, your covered in seamen!” Turns out Poppy had been getting it on in the Garden which meant my mum spent the evening trying to wash cat spunk off Poppy.

Poppy also used to like playing with plastic carrier bags. One day while rolling around on the floor with a bag, she managed to get one of the handles over her head and round her neck. This scared poppy, lots, and she tore around the house with the bag round her neck like a little super heroes’ cape. The faster she ran the more the bag rustled in the wind and the more scared she got. She ran around for five minutes hissing and screeching before finally coming to rest under a cupboard in the kitchen. Bless her, she was so scared she pissed herself and it took ages to try and get the bag off her neck as she clawed and growled from under the cupboard.

She doesn't like carrier bags anymore.
(Mon 11th Jun 2007, 17:23, More)

» Road Rage

Cheats never prosper
I was racing along one day, doing bout 100-110ish when all of a sudden I was furiously overtaken and cut up by a load of gangsta wanna bes, which caused me to lose control of my Turbo Terrific and crash into a wall. Low and be-hold it was the Ant Hill Mob. The reason they were driving so quickly was because they were being closely chased by Dick Dastardly in his Mean Machine. He appeared to have some kind of giant Acme rocket strapped to the top of his car which promptly exploded leaving him and his pet dog driving nothing but two wheels and a smouldering seat. I wouldn’t have minded but the stupid moustached cunt never wins a race a anyway! Why does he ruin everyone elses chances!

Makes me so angry!!!!!

Yours Sincerely

Peter Perfect
(Tue 17th Oct 2006, 10:33, More)