b3ta.com user Opanoid
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Tired, very very tired.

I've always been tired, but today for some reason, I am even more tired.

Pretty much it :)

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» Insults

Traffic Warden
Parked up car, nipped out to chippy leaving mother and car on double yellow lines.

Along comes a traffic warden (only doing there job I might add, nothing against them personally).

Who walks up to the car and (with my mother's window open as it was quite hot) preceeds to ask my mother 'Can You Read' (gestering at the notice on the lamppost).

My mother, quite miffed replies with a
"Yes thank you, that's why i'm a Director of an Advertising Agency and your a Traffic Warden, now give me the ticket and go away".

Traffic Warden just walked off.
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 14:16, More)

» Pathological Liars

Inspired by Professor Kenny Martin
I have an ability to make statements/stories sound very convincing. At least to my wife I do.

One example being early in the morning me asking the time. To which wifey glances up at the clock and announces, half past ten.

This being a Saturday (and quite a shocker that the kids hadn't woken up) I glanced up quite please for the extra bit of sleep and saw my opporunity to lie.
"It's not, it's half past eight, your saft"
(me being from the Black Country I sometimes do talk like that).

Cue wifey staring at the clock for 2 minutes trying to figure out why she couldn't all of a sudden tell the time.
Then announcing "the big hand's on the 6 so that's half past, but the little hands near the 10, doesn't that mean it's half past ten.
I can't figure it out".

It probably would have stood for longer except I started shaking with laugher with my head buried deep into my pillow.

Then she smacked me one for making her feel stupid. Man am I childish.
(Mon 3rd Dec 2007, 16:24, More)

» Customers from Hell

Phone Call
At work we used to run a line for a client where we would take calls for orders from the general public.

Unfortuantely due to what we sold mainly older people who had retired would ring up.

On one such occasion I picked up the phone and said the usual greeting to have an elderly lady reply with "Yes what do you want".

"You called me I believe...'

"NO I didn't you called me, what do you want..'

This went on for 2 minutes of me trying to explain the situation until I got fed up and finished off the conversation and hung up.

Phone rings again, I answer, same woman, however this time "Don't hang up on me when I call you". was her reply.

"AH HA" I shouted, "So you admit it you called me!".

She hung up, I turned into gloaty gloat boy for the rest of the day.

I hated those phone calls.
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 10:31, More)

» Advice from Old People

Do you need the toilet?
No matter what was wrong with me, headache, stomach ache, sort mouth, hurting tooth, bad back, spots, grazed knee, wind, no wind, blurred vision, sickness, repeating food, skin allergy (you get the idea), my nan (god love her died almost a year ago today) would always ask If I had been to the toilet.

If my repy was no then A short journey to the crappa would cure me of any ailment.

However if I had already been I was either seriously ill, or hadn't gone properly.

I still live with this in mind today and my two kids have spent most of their 2 and 4 year lives sitting on the toilet.
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 16:31, More)

» Cringe!

The Toilet
A large group of us were staying at the Adelphi hotel in liverpool. I was having a drink in the pub (attached to the side of the hotel if I remember correctly) whilst waiting for everyone to arive so we could be on our way out for a pub crawl.
A few people I didn't know were also present so I get introduced and various conversation start up. I go to shake hands with a new fella when he promptly knocks his fresh pint all over my jeans.
Not a problem, off I trot to my room for I have brought additional jeans.

On the way up, and after having had a few pints I decided a nice shite would be in order to gain an extra bit of space for the nights drinking.

Our room is at the end of a corridor (think the coridor in Ghostbusters when Bill Murray gets slimed by slimer) and our toilet is opposite the main door.
Being in the room myself I didn't close the bathroom door. I was hunched over in mid-wipe when the main door all of a sudden opened, no warning, no knock nothing.
It was housekeeping to come and drop off some extra pillows my wife had requested at reception.

I was in mid-wipe pose exposed to the entire corridor.

I wouldn't have minded, but the woman just looked right at my cock, nothing else and just froze.
Whilst I have a load of shit on the end of toilet paper.

I still try to blank out the people looking down the corridor at me, it felt like an entire minute before she reacted and closed the door, probably just 5 seconds.
(Mon 1st Dec 2008, 16:39, More)
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