» Lies I told on my CV

Dead Animals
When I was at school we had to construct a CV to hand in to the teachers, who were supposed to check it for mistakes, then include it as part of a file which would be sent to any colleges we applied for. I wasn't convinced that my teacher was checking them as thoroughly as she should, so I conducted a little test.

In the bit about employment history - well two weeks work experience in my case - I mentioned that part of my duties while working for the local rag included murdering small animals and homeless people. I handed my CV in, and the 'test' sentence was never mentioned to me. She actually congratulated me on the overall quality.

I really, really hope that it was sent to my college intact.
(Thu 6th Jul 2006, 21:02, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

Not an oldie, but still a good 'un
My brother (who thinks he knows everything about computers) once spent six hours trying to work out why certain keys on his laptop, that were supposed to produce letters, were producing numbers.

Several virus scans and god knows what else later, the solution came to him...

Num lock was on.
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 14:17, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

First post, so be gentle and all that...
I have two tales to tell. The first one comes from when my band played our first gig, in Bristol earlier this year. Now, the night before, in our infinite wisdom, we decided it would be a good idea to all wear stained wifebeater-style vests on stage. So, we got our vests, and duly set about destroying them with curry sauce and badly prepared gravy. They absolutely stunk, and after being left out in the pissing rain overnight and then suffering a three hour car journey in our drummer's boot, they were truly horrific, so much so that everyone except our drummer saw sense and threw them away.

So, we played our heroically short set, and in a true rock and roll gesture, Dave the drummer threw his vest to the crowd. We thought nothing of it until a couple of hours later, when we went to get some chips from a takeaway over the road.

You guessed it.

One pissed up metalhead in the chippy, proudly wearing Dave's foul smelling, curry stained wifebeater vest. How any of his mates could stand to be near him I do not know. And I'm told, two months down the line, that he still has it.

Secondly, attending Distortion festival at Nottingham in 2002, watching Green Day (I was 14 at this point by the way), and who should we find ourselves stood next to but two members of crap haired emo/indie twunts, Hundred Reasons. My so-called mates acted like the typical fan, getting their tickets signed etc. I, on the other hand, declined the guitarist/drummer's offer of a signed ticket, and went on to inform him how much he sounded like Tim nice-but-dim. Funnily enough, they didn't hang around us long after that.

Apologies for length etc, but it only has to please me doesn't it?
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 19:18, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Spotted in Crewe, 2001ish
Someone had gone to the trouble of printing out loads of sticky labels and posting them all in a single alleyway near Coppenhall School. They all bore, word processed, the following message:

Jessica Lightfoot
SUCKS COCK
For rock

typed exactly as above.
(Wed 9th May 2007, 13:52, More)

» Picky Eaters

Yogurt... and sandwiches
My 71-year-old granddad has never eaten yogurt. Why? He doesn't trust it.

And if I'm making a sandwich with that processed, plastic packed sandwich meat stuff, I have to dry it on some kitchen roll before it goes on the bread, as I can't bear the thought of the added water wetting the bread.
(Fri 2nd Mar 2007, 18:16, More)