» Common

Refusing to breastfeed
because of a fear of boob saggage and 'being too tied to the baby'. Argh. I am in no way referring to the people who cannot breastfeed for practical or medical reasons. I am referring only to the vain and ignorant girls who choose not to breastfeed because they worry it will make their tits turn into womble noses.

Yes, just deny your baby the chance of the best start in life; deny them the health benefits such as increased protection against infections, obesity and asthma; deny them the best food for early brain development. All because you're too bloody vain and selfish to allow your boobelahs to be used in the way nature intended.

And worst of all, deny your man the opportunity to witness your astounding skills in manual breast milk expression as you squirt him from 6 feet away, making machine gun noises as you do so. His nob can't eject his population porridge like that and it's the closest you'll ever come to spluffing on his face. Why deny yourself that joy?
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 11:21, More)

» Personal Ads

Cat pimp
My mum is a cat pimp and offers the services of her champion pedigree toms to kitties on heat whose owners are willing to pay a few hundred quid for the privilege.

One time, this rather obnoxious, snooty cow, who could quite easily have featured in the film Best in Show, brought in her equally snooty, overly-fluffed, inbred, pugfaced puss for a thorough servicing from prime stud 'Snowwitch Mists of Avalon Trojan Warrior' (the names get worse, believe me).

Pugface tried her very best to gain the stud's attention....arse in the air, choccie starfish on display at all times, meowing like a Yoko Ono record on 78 and rolling around on the floor in a desperate attempt to get buffed into the next century.

Trojan Warrior, however, wasn't in the slightest bit interested. He preferred to turn his attention instead to the giant lop-eared rabbit that ran free in the kittie pen, and mounted himself upon him, ready to give him a good rogering. For his efforts he was rewarded with a series of swift bunny kicks to the feet, body and head.

My mum, embarrassed and desperate to get the money, tried everything to get them to mate that weekend, but alas, Trojan Warrior only had eyes and spiky cat cock for the thunder-footed, big-eared one.

So, that's the sordid world of cat dating for you.
(Sun 16th Sep 2007, 13:03, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

mojo jojo.
I'm quite active on another forum and we often have meet ups, every bit as debauched and drunken as the ones here, it would seem.
The forum is dedicated to a band and we went to see one of the side projects of one of the band members in camden a few years back.
At the gig, we got chatting to one of the blokes from the forum who'd always made us laugh, and he'd brought his rather shy but nice-looking friend along. It was his friend's first ever gig. It should have occurred to me then to ask his age, but I was stupidly drunk by that point and my brain was not in the right gear at all.

I was 31 and I have dark hair, so let's call me the Buttercup of this tale.
My friend, a 27 year old French redhead (let's call her Blossom) with lots of charm and charima began to flirt with them, and my other friend, a 35 year old blonde Irish woman (Bubbles) suggested we let them stay the night at hers as they were sure to have missed the last train home. They accepted quite readily.

So off we went to her house in south east London, where we spent an hour or so drinking absinthe (I'm amazed I can actually remember anything), taking pills and listening to scuzzy, filthy desert rock.
The next thing I know, Blossom and Bubbles are in the bedroom with this lad taking it in turns to get on him. The other bloke had passed out and was snoring on the sofa. So I decided to try and join in with the awake people. I had a little snog with the girls while he looked on like a defeated Mojo Jojo. I tried to nosh him at one point, but was so drunk I fell asleep and had to be removed and put on the floor. (I was told this later!). Apparently he went on to get shagged senseless by Blossom and Bubbles and thoroughly enjoyed it.

We found out the following day that he was 17 and in his final year at school, studying for A-levels. He likened the evening to 'a filthy session with the Powerpuff Girls' mums'. Oh dear.
(Fri 5th Dec 2008, 21:15, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Grrrmachine is right about the language schools
I've been lazy enough in the past to just put on episodes of Black Books for European teenagers to watch and then make them write a detailed synopsis of each episode.
If I was feeling particularly charitable I'd even pre-teach the vocabulary.

There are now a number of German, French and Italian teenagers who can announce 'I'm a prostitute robot from the future' perfectly.
(Fri 28th Sep 2007, 20:25, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Adult Ed Pervs
I work in ESOL (teaching English to adult immigrants, basically) and we have to assess each learner's ability and place them in the correct class. From beginners to advanced, the levels are Entry 1, Entry 2, Entry 3, Level 1 and Level 2 to match with the National Qualifications Framework.

All of the teachers at my workplace are female, so we do tend to get a bit of attention at times from male learners with, shall we say, 'interesting' ideas about how to behave in a student-teacher situation. We've had learners who've asked us out ('Please to come pub with me?'), requested 'special private tuition' ('You my house come, we making special sexy time') and even proposed to us('I see you no married. No ring on hand. I be good husband for you'). Of course, we politely decline in all cases.

We're also aware of them spending the entire lesson staring at our tits, so we informally class these amorous men as 'Entry 4' learners in brackets on their paperwork just to inform the other teachers of what to expect.

So, if you're a student in adult education classes and you notice an E4 on your ILP, then it means you're considered a naughty pervert :)
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 13:24, More)