b3ta.com user HoratioFellatio
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Had to get this out of my head

Don't post on /board very often, but misheard this lyric and had to do something about it.

(edit: Wow! thanks for the FP!)
(Tue 8th Feb 2011, 9:55, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Pet Stories

My old golden retreiver Rupert (RIP)
He was the coolest dog, and livened up every house party we ever had.

He was a pedigree, and therefore entirely inbred, and therefore completely stupid, but he was the most loving, friendly animal that ever existed.

A few of his funniest foibles include:

Following you round the entire house with his own tail in his mouth, thinking it was just another one of his toys and he was bringing you a present.

Barking to be let out, and standing at the door - when you got there and opened the door he'd forgotten why he was there in the first place because he was so excited to see you again. (repeat this a few times).

His abject fear of umbrellas.

The best party trick though was the fact that if you put anything on his head, for some reason, he'd be paralysed. His eyes would move and you could see the excitement boiling up inside him, but he just wouldn't move - even if you held a biscuit just out of his range(and he was a greedy bugger)he'd just stare at it, willing every part of his body to reach out and eat it, but he just couldn't. When you finally did remove the item on his head, it was like a jack in the box with all his pent up tension bursting out in one go.

Hence we have lots of pictures of him wearing stupid glasses and hats.

RIP Rupert - the best dog ever.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 15:24, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Temp agency 'reformatted' my CV for me
I applied for temp work through an agency after i graduated. I had to go for an interview for some boring admin role.

The interview was going as well as expected, when towards the end, the guy started asking me questions about my time as a travelling minstrel.

My brain went into it's reflex mode of 'I must have told a lie.... tell more to cover it up', but even with my L337 sK1lls at bullshitting, I was truly stumped at that one.

After a lot of confused glances bounced round the room, we managed to figure out that the 'tards at my temp agency had decided to reformat my CV before sending it, and had somehow removed the full stop and line break between two of the entries in my 'interests' section:

Spent 6 months travelling round the Middle East and the Far East.

Playing the guitar.

We all had a good laugh about it, and I even got offered the job, but turned it down because it was rubbish.
(Tue 11th Jul 2006, 4:45, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Ben likes to pick the white bits out of my tweeny
Read that sentence again... It was said by Ben's younger sister.

Still sends a shiver down my spine.
(Sat 20th Jan 2007, 15:17, More)

» Sleepwalking

Not sleepwalking
But I was asleep none the less.

My ex told me that whenever I used to fart in my sleep, i'd have a little chuckle to myself.

Every time apparently.
(Sun 26th Aug 2007, 10:58, More)

» Ripped Off

Smoke filter ashtray
I recently bought a USB powered carbon filter ashtray from some dude in Hong Kong, off E-Bay.

Basically, its got a fan and a filter in it, so when the cigarette is actually sitting in the ashtray, all of the smoke gets sucked through the filter, and you room stops stinking of smoke.....

In reality, I plugged it into my USB hub and it powered up. 30 seconds later, the USB hub disconnects itself. Then reconnects itself, then disconnects itself, all the while making that incredibly annoying 'BOODIM.... BEEDUM' noise.

My Wacom is connected to said hub, so my mouse/stylus stops responding.

Not only that, the whole thing is put together so shoddily that it vibrates and just hovers around the table top (think of you mobile when its on vibrate mode). And as if it needs anything else to render it useless, the fan doesn't even suck the smoke up. Again, the shonky manufacturing standards mean that the majority of the 'suction' (think asthmatic lung cancer victim) actually blows out around the edges of the lid.

So instead of sucking the smelly smoke up and leaving my room smelling halfway clean, it just blows ash all over my desk.

Length? about 5 inches with a shiny red bulbous top.
(Wed 21st Feb 2007, 18:10, More)
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