b3ta.com user stevio
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I'm not telling you anything about me in case you know who I am.

However, this is you:

Thanks for looking.

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» The worst sex I ever had

IT Geek
I was doing an IT course at uni, and had met a friend of a friend who was a reet horny devil.

We ended up fooling around on her bed, me laying back hands behind head as she played the pink oboe, when out the corner of her eye I spot her computer monitor...

I squint a bit to see what it says, and its some windows error (cant remember exactly) but I think to myself, "I can fix that from here if I can reach her keyboard"...

She looks up to find me twisting for the keyboard and bites down hard...


WTF did you do that for??

You were trying to fix my computer whilst I was sucking you off!!

I was trying to fully utilise the time we had together (lecture in an hour)

didnt last much long after that...
(Mon 18th Jun 2007, 17:11, More)

» DIY fashion

Ahoy anyone from leeds!
If you come from leeds, you will no doubt be aware of the famous Otley Run, a crawl of 16 (or numbers around that figure, depending on who you are) pubs and bars, in which you must drink a pint in each, followed off by entering a nightclub. After 16 or so pints this is quite a challenge as bouncers seem to be quite aware of stupidly dressed students out of their heads. These pubs are spread over 5 miles or so and is one hell of an enjoyable, yet expensive day out.

It is tradition to do the "Run" in fancy dress. Being a poor student, improvisation is the key. I am the one in my dad's old suit, circa 1983 (before i was born) with the silly afro wig. What amazes me is that suit fits me perfectly, although im a good 3 inches taller than my dad. God knows what he was doing back then!

Click here for the piccy! (opens in new window, yes thats right, I am a HTML coding genius!!) and if your feeling kind, leave a comment below it!



p.s. there's a little button down below that says "I like this" if you click it, you will be ├╝ber cool.
(Fri 25th Aug 2006, 11:43, More)

» Blood

I've just recently recovered from a dose of the farmer Giles's.

I was away with work and was wondering why I had a pain round the old chocolate starfish.

The conference was somewhat uncomfortable, the standing around at the airport took my mind off it as the pressure was slightly less.

The plane journey was agony and the drive back was unmentionable pain.

Slept poorly the following night and decided that I should probably visit the doctor the following morning, I book an appointment and get myself down to the docs.

Sitting in the waiting room slightly on one side generated some bizarre looks.

The doctor asks me some questions, then says he is off to get a colleague for a second opinion. Great I think, this bloke doesn't have a clue.

Second doctor has a look and tells me that I have a rare condition for someone of my age (23). Having two grown men poking their finger up your bum is not an experience I want to repeat. Ever!

It turns out that I have external thrombosed hemorrhoids. These little babies are different to normal ones, normally they come from within and hang out. These ones sit on the outside, where you have a huge mass of nerves, thus making the pain far more intolerable than just having the grapes hanging out.

I'm prescribed some cream to help clear the matter up and told to come back the following day to see how I'm doing or else its off to hospital for a general to have them chopped out. Off I trudge to boots, whereby the lady behind the counter asks if she can see me in the consultation room.

Great I think, now what?!

She tells me that what the doc had prescribed isn't available by its standard name and is only available as its marketed name, which happens to be.... Vagisil.

Great, not only do I have quite an embarrassing bum problem, I now have thrush cream to try and sort it out!

Queue later on, at home ready for bed. Im in my bathroom readying myself to apply this cream. Applying cream to your bum is a very wierd sensation and leaves you feeling rather uncomfortable.

I sleep like a baby as the previous night's lack of kip had taken its toll. Upon waking up, the pain has gone, however it would appear a mini nuclear blood bomb had gone off and there was blood everywhere from the anal explosion.

All over the bed sheets, my pants that I had slept in, the bed etc...

I hope no-one ever gets this problem as it is really something that is incredibly painful and rather embarrassing!

I returned to the doctor to find out that only one had burst, but this had released the pressure, as they were no longer forcing themselves against each other and I was good to carry on using the cream until the other one went.

1.5 weeks off work and another bloodbath in bed, I was still bleeding (albeit more of a trickle) 3 weeks later.

I now have some "skin-tags" which are the empty remains of my lovely experience.


To add insult to injury, I went to see my girlfriend the afternoon I got back from the doctors whereby we had "a talk" leaving me rather single.

One pain in the ass replaced with two!

Length - round and about the size of a nobbys nut each.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 14:43, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Dont ever climb trees!
Aged about 11, I was daring and naive to say the least. Away on holiday at my Grandad's holiday home in Ireland, me and the neighbour decided to climb the trees at the end of the garden.

These trees were tall, Probably about 40ft high, and we were having a whale of a time at about 35ft up.

Out of no-where the wind decides it wants to join us and starts blowing a gale, so there's me and my friend frantically trying to climb down these dangerously swaying trees.

Cue crappy trainers that mothers buy children missing the branch I was climbing down onto, branch on other foot breaking and me falling.

On the way down, I rotate twice, a move any skydiver would be impressed with at such low altitude, cracking my dumplings on many branches.

Now you would think this would be bad enough, but at the bottom of the tree was a wire fence and an old rotting pallet leant up against the wire fence (the things made from wood that you move around with forklift trucks)

I landed straddling this pallet which proceded to disintergrate into thousands of tiny splinters, though not enough so that my feet touched the ground.

The wire had run up one side of my leg giving me the worst bruise and cut i had ever seen, and the splintered pallet embedded itself in not only my inner thighs, but the aforementioned dumplings.

I spend hours pulling them out and that was as painful as the original accident.

Apologies for length but that evening it was inverted.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 10:54, More)

» Barred

Kirkstall Brewery
The place dreams were made!

I got barred from there as well, apparently sitting on a chair too hard and it falling apart (i am only 12 stone, bloody wank chairs) taking a table down with me and cracking my head on the banister behind is being "drunk and disorderly".

Was allowed back in the week after at a charity fundraising event. I pleeded with the manager to re-admit me, if I raised 500 quid for the charity, else my ban stood for the remaining 2 weeks.

I bullied everyone in sight into giving me money, imposed a "girls drink tax" on any bloke drinking WKD/wine/smirnoff ice/etc. charged people 2 quid for the sumo wrestling (it was meant to be free), extra quid for winners of games of pool, and a too long skirt/wearing trouser on girls tax. plus the standard "give me money, its for charity, u selfish cnut, not everyone can afford to go to uni!" (i think it was for some earthquake appeal or something, not that the cash was going to help them get to uni, just rebuild their homes.)

made 543 quid and got pissed for free.

went away with 12 bottles of budweiser as a thank you from the manager.

Became a legend.
(Thu 31st Aug 2006, 13:17, More)
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