b3ta.com user Nitrous
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I'm going to hell......
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(Thu 6th Jul 2006, 10:25, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Things to do before you die

Bucket List
I want to go skydiving, with dolphins.
(Thu 14th Oct 2010, 22:02, More)

» Complaining

Parent and Child Space
A couple of years ago I became a daddy. Go me and my fertile loins! Anyway, one day, probably a Saturday, family Nitrous drive in to the car park of our local Supermarket looking for a parking space. In the near distance we spot a parent and child space, but before we can grab it, some bloke in a Jaguar, who clearly has no right to be there, nabs it before us.

"Excuse me old chap" I say "you do realise that you have mistakenly parked in space meant for the use of families with children? Perhaps you could move your Penis-Mobile and let someone who has actually had sex with girl park there instead?"(or words to that effect)

The guy just grins and says in his best pidgin "Sorry, no speaky da English"

Fine, I thought, I'm not in any rush, I've got time to kill. So I take down his licence plate, march up to the information desk and report the cocky little fucker.

A message goes out over the Tanoy and small-penis is politely summoned. This is his opportunity to admit that he is in the wrong, or, even better, move his car. Instead he becames increasingly indignant trying to insist that it is his god-given right to park where he likes because he spends more money in the store than people with babies. Weirdly his command of English gets much, much, better, and his command of Anglo-Saxon is quite extrordinary. In fact his Anglo-Saxon is so good that the Manager of the store is called to deal with the situation. Anyway after spending a good few minutes racially abusing the staff the manager decides to ban him from the store for good.

Moral of the story: If you get caught out, don't be a cock about it, admit that you are in the wrong and try and salvage some personal dignity from the situation.
(Thu 2nd Sep 2010, 23:22, More)

» Driven to Madness

"I'm givin' someone a job, innit'

Well excuse me! There was me thinking that you were a thoughtless, selfish, lazy, ignorant, fat slob who couldn't be arsed to walk an additional two feet to place your Kentucky Fried Shit Family Bargain Bucket For One in a waste receptacle. Where as, you are in fact, a humanitarian and altruist on a par with Ghandi, Nelson Mandela and Sir Bob Geldof all rolled into one!

Clearly, I am the one with the fucking problem!
(Sat 6th Oct 2012, 16:32, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Antique Tackle
Two things you need to know 1. My dad collects antique fishing er equipment (rods and reels)2. The women in my family are famed for not having a sense of humour.

email from Mum with ends : "...Your dad has been collecting more antique fishing tackle and I have been finding it very interesting"

response from me: "That's nice mum, I'm glad that you've been finding Dad's antique tackle interesting it shows that there is still a spark of romance left in your marriage."

My dad is the one who picks up the email. He thinks it's so funny, he shows it to the builder, the postman, the dog who all think it's extremely funny. Then to my mum who goes "oh yes, that's nice" (whooshing noise as joke goes over her head).

Two days later mum collapses in fits of giggles. "I've just got it!" she says
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 18:13, More)

» First World Problems

The Slave Trade
I'll probably get slaughtered for this...

Yes, the Slave Trade was despicable thing, that caused untold suffering to many hundreds of thousands of people. What I don't quite understand is why said descendants feel that they are entitled to a financial handout and apology for something that happened to an ancestor that they never even met, because they are "still suffering the consequences today".

If you look at the family tree of any random human on the planet, you will know doubt find a history that's rich in loss, suffering, death, disease, war, upheaval and violence. It's what made us, it's also the reason we happen to be alive today. It seems to me that these people are essentially arguing that they wish they had never been born. Many of my ancestors were Jews that fled Tsarist Russia to escape persecution. Was their persecution a good thing? No. but I wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened.

Of course we shouldn't ignore the lessons of the past, but there is plenty of bad shit being done to people now, shouldn't this be our focus?
(Thu 1st Mar 2012, 23:50, More)
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