» Going Too Far

Cat Sex
I once lived in a flat with a house cat. It never went out (only on one occasion when it froze and shat itself in fear). When rutting season came along and the alleys were full of wails and screeches, the poor female cat would be driven insane with horniness and rub her bottom on me all the time. I couldn't help but notice a pearl of liquid oozing from her overactive feline parts.

I pitied the poor creature and wondered if I couldn't do something. So when my flatmate was out (it was her cat), I obtained a piece of plastic which seemed to correspond exactly to the kitty aperture. And I delicately inserted it thence while holding the scruff of her neck as male cats do with their teeth.

She moaned. She wailed. She writhed. She growled. Then she rolled around ecstatically on her back with legs akimbo, fully satiated. I had done a good deed.

Imagine, then, my feelings of embarrassment as my flatmate walked in to see me with the plastic cat penis poised ... having just heard the moans and groans of her cat.

"You fucked my cat!" she said.

I had gone too far.
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 14:37, More)

» Customers from Hell

Reppin'
Yes I was a holiday rep for six weeks until they discovered they'd hired the most sarcastic and misanthropic person in the world to work with people on holiday. Part of the job was receiving complaints from tourists - and they had many.

The best one was a guy who'd booked a pot-luck holiday and been shunted to the hotel with no facilities on the edge of the island. Nice enough place, but in the middle of nowhere. When I arrived, he'd manage to piss off the whole hotel with his tantrums. He was waiting for me in reception with a virulent tan and his too-small sunhat perched on his head.

He had prepared a four page written report of his woes, which he insisted on reading to me with an oratorical delivery. In short, his issues were:

- The waitress wore braces to hold her trousers up. A waitress should not wear braces.
- He had seen communist graffiti on the island.
- Even though the taxi transfer had been free, he had felt compelled to pay the driver anyway, and now he wanted a refund.
- The taxi driver had broken the speed limit,
- The landscape was 'lunar' [I pressed him this, pointing out that there was no Ionian Sea on the moon, but he was adamant].
- The management had put a free fruit basket in his room and had then refused to remove it. It's presence was making his wife suicidal and he wanted it removed.
- Nails were sticking out of the hotel roof - around 4 metres above ground level. It was a health and safety hazard, he said [presumably for people filled with helium].
- There was shredded paper all over the beach. [he insisted on showing me the green, sea-weed-smelling 'paper' and said he was taking a sample back to England for chemical analysis.
- The hotel manager was 'fat'.

I jotted all of these complaints down on the official form - and then tossed it out of my car window as I went for one of my habitual four-hour coffee and cake breaks.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 10:08, More)

» My most treasured possession

my trunk
It's an old wooden trunk of the kind taken to sea by sailors of yore. I keep it at the foot of my bed and it's stashed with a lifetime of curios and valuable items. Here are some of them:

1) Charlie Chaplin's comedy rolling pin. As used by the master in his music hall days in London before he went to Hollywood to make his fortune. He'd mime rolling out a huge piece of pastry so big that it covered the entire audience - an act so funny that in 1906 14 people actually died laughing.

2) A diamond ring with a stone as big as a door knob - about 250 carats. I found this at the bottom of a well that some skinheads had thrown me down back in the 80s, As they laughed and jeered at me from a distant aperture, I became instantly rich beyond my wildest dreams.

3) A carved mahogany dildo made by the Hut-Tut-At-Ut tribe in Malawi. It was used to break in virgins during the Utubu ceremony and my particular dildo has 114 scratches on it, representing hymens stretched. A German offered me £2000 for it, but it's a rare item I won't part with.

4) John Lennon's bogie - flicked from the balcony of the Odeon in central Liverpool in 1956. My mother, then a teenager, said it landed in her hair during a matinee and she went upstairs to kick John in the bollocks until the police were called. The joke was on him him, because Christies have valued the bogey at £14,000.

5) A Disney rarity featuring Mickey Mouse humping Minnie up the arse dressed in a Nazi uniform. It was drawn by Walt himself after he'd spent an evening sniffing strong solvents while depressed. He then posted the illustration at random...to my grandmother. For years, she used it as a dart board, but missed it with every dart on account of being a blind paraplegic.

6) The sword of Alexander the Great. Stolen by my Uncle Bert from a museum in Turkey, the sword is jewel encrusted and features the scratches and nicks of a hundred illustrious historical battles. I sometimes get it out and imagine that I, too, have conquered the known world.

7) The thorn of crowns - yes THAT one. The very one worn by Jesus of Nazareth. Nobody know how it came into out family in an unmarked parcel from Palestine, but it has been authenticated by a local priest and whenever I take it out the trunk I hear heavenly choruses. It has the ability to heal the sick and confers eternal life on all who acknowledge its power.

8) The missing pieces of film from the Zapruder tape filmed in Dallas on the exact day when JFK was shot. I found it inside a book called "Me and my Vulva" in a sex shop in Hamburg. The missing frames show that shots emanated from a gun shop at the precise moment Mr 'Blind' John Squinter was testing a rifle.

9) A portal that allows one to travel through the time-space continuum at will, visiting innumerable worlds and periods. Only last week I went to one of those planets Shatner used to go to, where all the people are hot women in satin bodysuits.

10) A bottle opener once used by Barry McSpaxworth, an old schoolmate of mine who was able to suck his own knob. He left it to me in his will when he choked on his boner one New Year.
(Mon 12th May 2008, 17:11, More)

» Stupid Dares

where Christians dare
I was at a Bible Retreat with a few of my friends and we were all sitting round the campfire singing our faves like "Oh Lord," "Lord, You Are Our Lord," and the timeless "Lord Lord Lord" when Jacob got a glint in his eye.

"Dare you to drink that whole 1.5 litre bottle of Irn Bru!" he yelped at Caleb.

In a flash, Caleb had pulled the plastic cap off and started glugging it back. To our amazement, he polished it all off and did a nasty belch too! We were well impressed. So then Jacob turns to Judith and says, "I dare you to recite Psalm 14 backwards!"

A hush settled over the group, but Judith was game and - from memory - recited the whole thing in reverse, to our universal admiration. That girl sure knows her scripture.

The Jacob turned his bucktoothed, freckled gingernut of a head to me and shouted: "Frank! I dare you to hold your hand over the flames for as long as you can!"

My mind was in turmoil. 'What would Jesus do?' I thought. Then it came to me. I opened my Bible, slipped my palm inside and then wrapped a piece of baling wire around the book so that my hand was sandwiched between the covers of the good book. Then I thrust my hand into the fire.

An ominous silence settled over the group as the cover began to smoulder and the Lord's word began to go up in smoke. Judith started to sob and Jacob soiled himself. Isiah (the fat kid, not the prophet) went into convulsions and let forth a sloppy fart as he passed out. And I kept my hand in the fire for five minutes, protected by the Holy Scripture.

"You... you b-b-b-bburned a bible!" said Jacob through the stench of his own ordure.

"And now it's my turn," I said. I dare, you, Jacob, to get your cock out and toss into Judith's open mouth."

And that's pretty much how I was found to be a non-believer at that Bible Retreat.
(Wed 7th Nov 2007, 12:34, More)

» Secret Santa

OK. One more time ...
There's a girl in my office who's been flirting with me for weeks. It started with smiles, then progressed to tight blouses, then no bra and tighter blouses. She certainly had my attention.

Things escalated last week when she swivelled around on her wheely chair and showed her legs to great effect in a disgracefully short skirt. She looked me meaningfully in the eyes and uncrossed her lovely pins to reveal a distinct lack of underwear. Being on the phone at the time, she continued to sit like that for the duration of the conversation as my trousers filled with rigid meat.

So I was delighted to get her as my Secret Santa target. I bought one of those saucy vibrators with a remote control and watched her face when she opened it. She actually blushed! Then a sly smile came over her face.

This morning, when I arrived at my desk, she was wearing the same short skirt. Only this time, when she swivelled around to face me and uncrossed her lovely legs, I saw the butt end of that same vibro, which was deeply embedded in her parts. "Look in your top drawer," she whispered.

And there was the remote. I grinned, pointed it at her loins and pressed 'moderate'. It made no noise, but her wriggling and rising colour showed that it was taking effect. I flicked it to 'high' and she had to turn back to her desk, where she gripped her keyboard with whitened knuckles. That was when I remembered the clit stimuator and pressed the little pink button.

Her LCD monitor fell over when she came.
(Fri 15th Dec 2006, 11:44, More)