b3ta.com user eViLegion
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If a tree falls in a forest, and theres nothing there for it to fall onto, where the hell does it end up?

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» Not Getting the Job

My bro told me about a job interview he had once...
It went wrong just as he was leaving; shaking his interviewers hand he blurted out "Cheers to meet you!", then in a confusion of embarrassment at having said something so daft, turned on his heel and walked face first into a pillar.
And that was that.
(Thu 11th Jun 2015, 20:18, More)

» Little Moments of Joy

Why are parents incapable of understanding that...
...no-one gives a shit?

Not even other parents; they're just pretending to give a shit, so when it's their turn to bollock on about their own kids, the other parents will also pretend to give a shit.

All the parents involved secretly think that their kids are the best at everything, and that everyone elses kids are ugly little shits that should fuck off... and they're all half correct.

Fact is, squeezing out another useless human is really easy to do... the only thing you need is 9 months, and a blasé attitude to contraception. Anyone who thinks they're special for having a kid, needs to understand that they are genetically programmed to do exactly that regardless of the wisdom of doing so; so, congratulations for following a deterministic behaviour pattern, programmed into you before birth, but please remember that you've removed yourself from the pool of interesting humans, and you are now, by choice, in the mundane category of "parent of your own tedious little moment of joy".
(Tue 28th Jan 2014, 12:35, More)

» House Parties

I went to this great house party once.
There were loads of people, loud brash music, and some weird bearded wanker who was sticking people in a plexiglass box and pouring coloured gloop onto their heads.

It only lasted about an hour though, because some douchebag cracked their head open in the car park and died.
(Mon 12th Oct 2015, 15:14, More)

» Funny Stories

I sold this Makita cordless power drill in the local paper, and then 6 months later I received the very same one back as a Christmas present from my brother-in-law, minus the power pack.
(Thu 18th Jun 2015, 12:48, More)

» Brits Abroad

As an Englishman, when on holiday I enjoy beach towels emblazoned with the German flag.
I get out to the poolside as early as I can, and get those towels right down on the deckchairs. Nothing amuses me quite as much as knowing that there'll be some terrible fellow Brits getting dangerously racist about the whole thing.

On the few occasions where they just have to pass comment, I reply (in flawless English with a badly affected accent) with an insult it takes them half a minute to distinguish from a compliment (the people who get angry about this sort of thing are usually very thick indeed).

I implore you... if you ever see some German flag towels, get them for your own holidays, as this never grows old.
(Thu 24th Apr 2014, 14:07, More)
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