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» Blood
One in a billion
Many moons ago myself and my brother, aged about 13 or so, were hitting golf balls up and down an un-used football pitch as we were bored. We made a game whereby we tried hitting the crossbar with the golf ball from as far away as possible. Now, we played this game for about 4 hours without any luck, its hard enough to hit a crossbar with a golf ball when properly aimed after all, never mind swinging a golf club at it.
Anyway the game cumulated in a swift ending when my brother, a full 30 or so feet from the goal, whacked the ball as hard as he could and brought probability to its knees. Imagine if you will the following sounds in succession all within half a second of one another...metal club hits golf bally golf ball, golf ball hits metal crossbar, golf ball hits spongey head, spongey head lets out piercing howl. I laughed so much I fell over as I saw him fall backwards in a comic motion grabbing his forehead, that is, until I went over to him and his face, hair, arm and t-shirt were all drenched in blood! Anyway usual yada yada went to parents, parents brought him to hospital etc and now he has a scar just at his hairline in a nice inverted V-shape.
However it wasnt until years later that I fully appreciated the chances of that happening. One spherical object with dents on it, hitting another spherical object at an exact right angle to cause it to travel back in the same path of motion but maybe 1 degree higher to hit my brother in the forehead. I dont think it could be repeated no matter how hard anyone tried.
Oh and on a side note, he was using one of my golf balls so a few hours later I went searching for the offending ball and found it about 20 feet from where he had been hit, and attached to said ball was a small clump of hair, some skin and some fleshy bits. I brought it over to him to see if it would still fit into his head. To say my mother was unimpressed is an understatement.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 16:00, More)
One in a billion
Many moons ago myself and my brother, aged about 13 or so, were hitting golf balls up and down an un-used football pitch as we were bored. We made a game whereby we tried hitting the crossbar with the golf ball from as far away as possible. Now, we played this game for about 4 hours without any luck, its hard enough to hit a crossbar with a golf ball when properly aimed after all, never mind swinging a golf club at it.
Anyway the game cumulated in a swift ending when my brother, a full 30 or so feet from the goal, whacked the ball as hard as he could and brought probability to its knees. Imagine if you will the following sounds in succession all within half a second of one another...metal club hits golf bally golf ball, golf ball hits metal crossbar, golf ball hits spongey head, spongey head lets out piercing howl. I laughed so much I fell over as I saw him fall backwards in a comic motion grabbing his forehead, that is, until I went over to him and his face, hair, arm and t-shirt were all drenched in blood! Anyway usual yada yada went to parents, parents brought him to hospital etc and now he has a scar just at his hairline in a nice inverted V-shape.
However it wasnt until years later that I fully appreciated the chances of that happening. One spherical object with dents on it, hitting another spherical object at an exact right angle to cause it to travel back in the same path of motion but maybe 1 degree higher to hit my brother in the forehead. I dont think it could be repeated no matter how hard anyone tried.
Oh and on a side note, he was using one of my golf balls so a few hours later I went searching for the offending ball and found it about 20 feet from where he had been hit, and attached to said ball was a small clump of hair, some skin and some fleshy bits. I brought it over to him to see if it would still fit into his head. To say my mother was unimpressed is an understatement.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 16:00, More)
» Failed
Not me but a friend...
was at a party a few years back and decided to walk home as was only about an hour away from his house. A quicker way home was to walk through Phoenix Park (in Dublin for those of you who dont know) and while walking through the park, friend and his accomplance decided they would break into Dublin Zoo and steal a penguin. So they stumble around the bushes and come into an open area not having any idea where they have ended up. Look down and realise they are tramping around on a flower bed, so continue to do so as was funny in a way as only wen in a drunken state of mind. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, 5 armed men start screaming at the lads telling them to get on the ground and not move! 'Oh shit' they thinks, 'what the hell is going on?'. Turns out they managed to ramble outside the Presidents house and were standing on her flowers!
Quick trip to the police station later..
'What were you doing in the Presidents garden? How did u manage to get past security???' asks the irate gardaí
'Eh to be honest we were trying to steal a penguin from the zoo'
Guards didn't believe them at first but seeing as they had two pissed students on their hands who couldn't stop laughing they finally let them go with a warning! They even stole pens and statement sheets from the garda station to proove what had happened!
So thats how two of my friends failed to steal a penguin :o)
(Wed 10th Jan 2007, 14:24, More)
Not me but a friend...
was at a party a few years back and decided to walk home as was only about an hour away from his house. A quicker way home was to walk through Phoenix Park (in Dublin for those of you who dont know) and while walking through the park, friend and his accomplance decided they would break into Dublin Zoo and steal a penguin. So they stumble around the bushes and come into an open area not having any idea where they have ended up. Look down and realise they are tramping around on a flower bed, so continue to do so as was funny in a way as only wen in a drunken state of mind. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, 5 armed men start screaming at the lads telling them to get on the ground and not move! 'Oh shit' they thinks, 'what the hell is going on?'. Turns out they managed to ramble outside the Presidents house and were standing on her flowers!
Quick trip to the police station later..
'What were you doing in the Presidents garden? How did u manage to get past security???' asks the irate gardaí
'Eh to be honest we were trying to steal a penguin from the zoo'
Guards didn't believe them at first but seeing as they had two pissed students on their hands who couldn't stop laughing they finally let them go with a warning! They even stole pens and statement sheets from the garda station to proove what had happened!
So thats how two of my friends failed to steal a penguin :o)
(Wed 10th Jan 2007, 14:24, More)
» Public Sex
Touchdown
During the summer of 2007, myself and a few friends spent the better part of 3 months travelling around the west coast of America. We spent 5 weeks in Berkeley, California before embarking on a road trip which encompassed Santa Cruz, Yosemite National Park, Boade Ghost Town, Las Vegas, San Diego, Los Angeles and Santa Monica before spending 2 weeks in Hawaii. Unfortunately then I had to return to the Emerald Isle to begin work but the lads continued from Hawaii to New York to finish the trip.
Anyway I digress. The story in question happened in Berkeley. We had only arrived about two weeks and were in a bar one night. I spied a cute little redhead at the bar so began drunkenly sleazing on her. My utterly resistable charms seemed to work on her as later that night myself, two friends, new ladyfriend (for the sake of anonymity we'll call her S) and one of her friends went to a frat party together. Im in the back garden chatting away when the lads came over..."Lads will you ever piss off, cant you see I'm trying to get laid here" was S's response. I knew I was onto a sure fire thing. Anyway fast forward a week or so and we'd been at it every opportunity we had gotten. One night, a group of us snuck into the college football stadium for a few late night beers. After a while we started playing "I never" and it came round to my turn. So I promptly dclared "I've never had sex in a football stadium". Of course no-one drank, except me. "Really?" enquired S. "No", I replied, but you know..." as I glanced onto the pitch. She smiled her dirty little smile and I knew I was in there like swimwear.
As we're all getting up to leave, S pulls back on my hand and declares "Eh, we'll catch up with you guys in a bit, we're just...eh...going to...have sex on the pitch. Bye". And off we skipped. And we did. On the goal line. Of a 72,000 seater football stadium. Im also pretty sure that during the act I caught the unmistakable flash of a camera going off but did I care? Did I fuck.
On a side note we also made the beast with two backs that night in the lift of our apartment complex, in the disabled shower of our apartment complex and on the roof of our apartment complex. I had brought my A-game. The title of this story (yes I know its obvious) comes from the next morning when the lads asked if I had done it, and my response was to roar out "TOUCHDOWN!"
As a little after story, completely unrelated, I once pulled a fat bird in a club in Ireland, with the intention of a quick ride down a lane. When it came apparent that was not going to happen, I stated thinking of an escape plan. I lit a smoke to help me think when she asked me for a smoke. I declined and she replied "Please, I'll give you a blow job for a smoke". I thought she was being funny so gave her one for effort. Instead, she drops the smoke on the ground, unzips my pants and goes at it. At the time we were sitting on a bench at the side of the busiest road in Drogheda. So there I was, cigarette in one hand, other hand on her head while people were driving by beeping horns and people were walking by cheering me. I felt like a God. Once the act was over I did the honourable thing, stood up and ran like the dickens. She was a fat bird so couldnt catch up with me. Result.
Length? The whole 9 yards.
(Tue 28th Apr 2009, 10:13, More)
Touchdown
During the summer of 2007, myself and a few friends spent the better part of 3 months travelling around the west coast of America. We spent 5 weeks in Berkeley, California before embarking on a road trip which encompassed Santa Cruz, Yosemite National Park, Boade Ghost Town, Las Vegas, San Diego, Los Angeles and Santa Monica before spending 2 weeks in Hawaii. Unfortunately then I had to return to the Emerald Isle to begin work but the lads continued from Hawaii to New York to finish the trip.
Anyway I digress. The story in question happened in Berkeley. We had only arrived about two weeks and were in a bar one night. I spied a cute little redhead at the bar so began drunkenly sleazing on her. My utterly resistable charms seemed to work on her as later that night myself, two friends, new ladyfriend (for the sake of anonymity we'll call her S) and one of her friends went to a frat party together. Im in the back garden chatting away when the lads came over..."Lads will you ever piss off, cant you see I'm trying to get laid here" was S's response. I knew I was onto a sure fire thing. Anyway fast forward a week or so and we'd been at it every opportunity we had gotten. One night, a group of us snuck into the college football stadium for a few late night beers. After a while we started playing "I never" and it came round to my turn. So I promptly dclared "I've never had sex in a football stadium". Of course no-one drank, except me. "Really?" enquired S. "No", I replied, but you know..." as I glanced onto the pitch. She smiled her dirty little smile and I knew I was in there like swimwear.
As we're all getting up to leave, S pulls back on my hand and declares "Eh, we'll catch up with you guys in a bit, we're just...eh...going to...have sex on the pitch. Bye". And off we skipped. And we did. On the goal line. Of a 72,000 seater football stadium. Im also pretty sure that during the act I caught the unmistakable flash of a camera going off but did I care? Did I fuck.
On a side note we also made the beast with two backs that night in the lift of our apartment complex, in the disabled shower of our apartment complex and on the roof of our apartment complex. I had brought my A-game. The title of this story (yes I know its obvious) comes from the next morning when the lads asked if I had done it, and my response was to roar out "TOUCHDOWN!"
As a little after story, completely unrelated, I once pulled a fat bird in a club in Ireland, with the intention of a quick ride down a lane. When it came apparent that was not going to happen, I stated thinking of an escape plan. I lit a smoke to help me think when she asked me for a smoke. I declined and she replied "Please, I'll give you a blow job for a smoke". I thought she was being funny so gave her one for effort. Instead, she drops the smoke on the ground, unzips my pants and goes at it. At the time we were sitting on a bench at the side of the busiest road in Drogheda. So there I was, cigarette in one hand, other hand on her head while people were driving by beeping horns and people were walking by cheering me. I felt like a God. Once the act was over I did the honourable thing, stood up and ran like the dickens. She was a fat bird so couldnt catch up with me. Result.
Length? The whole 9 yards.
(Tue 28th Apr 2009, 10:13, More)
» My Biggest Disappointment
Vote
The outcome of the Lisbon Treaty vote.
No? Just me then??
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 13:55, More)
Vote
The outcome of the Lisbon Treaty vote.
No? Just me then??
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 13:55, More)
» Spoooky Coincidence
My oldest friend...
Cuple of months back I get a text from the mammy asking if I knew a certain individual. I reply saying I do as he's a good friend of mine, the reply was just 'small world'. I shall explain...
She had been out with work and was in a taxi headin home when she got chatting to the driver about where he lived etc. He lives in Swords but used to live in Blanchardstown (Dublin for those not in the know).
'So did I' replies my mam. 'Where bouts?'
He tells her and she goes 'thats weird, me too! Wat number?'
'134' He replies. 'We lived in 144!'
Upon further enquiry it turned out they lived across the road from one another and were once upon a time good friends. They started asking about each other's kids wen the taxi driver asks 'whats BigFatPaulie up to these days?'
'Oh he's studying engineering in college'
'So's my lad, what college?'
'TCD'
'Jaysus, so's my youngfella, wat kind of engineering?'
'civil, wat about your lad?'
'same! what year's he in?'
'final year'
'So's my son!'
I then get the aforementioned text and it turns out one of the guys I've been hanging around with for almost two years used to live across the road from me as a kid! The two of us were friends even back then! He even has pics of the two of us playing together at his 4th birthday party! Spoooky!
(Sat 10th Feb 2007, 15:05, More)
My oldest friend...
Cuple of months back I get a text from the mammy asking if I knew a certain individual. I reply saying I do as he's a good friend of mine, the reply was just 'small world'. I shall explain...
She had been out with work and was in a taxi headin home when she got chatting to the driver about where he lived etc. He lives in Swords but used to live in Blanchardstown (Dublin for those not in the know).
'So did I' replies my mam. 'Where bouts?'
He tells her and she goes 'thats weird, me too! Wat number?'
'134' He replies. 'We lived in 144!'
Upon further enquiry it turned out they lived across the road from one another and were once upon a time good friends. They started asking about each other's kids wen the taxi driver asks 'whats BigFatPaulie up to these days?'
'Oh he's studying engineering in college'
'So's my lad, what college?'
'TCD'
'Jaysus, so's my youngfella, wat kind of engineering?'
'civil, wat about your lad?'
'same! what year's he in?'
'final year'
'So's my son!'
I then get the aforementioned text and it turns out one of the guys I've been hanging around with for almost two years used to live across the road from me as a kid! The two of us were friends even back then! He even has pics of the two of us playing together at his 4th birthday party! Spoooky!
(Sat 10th Feb 2007, 15:05, More)