b3ta.com user nothing-is-forever
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» Accidental innuendo

Shakes and ladders...
The warehouse at my work is a Health & Safety nightmare mainly due to the 35 foot of racking either side of the warehouse and no forklift on site meaning that ladders have to be used to get to anything.. our ladders however are only 30 feet tall and so to get to the top rack involves climbing... and as we don't feel the need to adhere to health and safety laws, most of the time employees use these ladders whilst alone the warehouse...

Que last Wednesday when I hear a large metallic crash and a very loud shout coming from the warehouse.. running out of my office door I am presented with the sight of one of our trusted employees dangling 35 foot in air from the top rack, his ladder laying down on the floor.. I then head straight into action mode, run to underneath him and shout the immortal words..


You've never lived until you see a middle aged man dangling and holding on for dear life whilst giggling like a prepubescent school boy... and I wasn't much better.. once it hit me.. lifting the ladder suddenly became a huge task...(o-er obviously)...
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 10:07, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Playing it cool gets you nowhere...

It’s the early hours aftermath of a house party, the lightweights have gone to bed in the various spare rooms of my friend’s mansion, and all of the girls but one. I’ve spent a great deal of the evening messing around with the remaining girl who whilst being in my peer group I have never really talked to all that much... she finally calls it quits and decides she's going to go to bed.. puts her arms round me.. looks into my eyes and whispers "so you want to share a bed", giving me a cute little wink. By this time there were still a good 3 bedrooms left... but then it happens, the little voice in your head that is solely purposed to fuck everything up tells you "play it cool, don't look too keen", never ever listen to this voice, it secretly hates you and wants you to die lonely, and makes you say things like; "Erm.. I'd love to, but I promised the lads I stay up drinking with them" ... why would I say that... I mean there’s playing it cool, and there’s just turning someone down for a stupid reason. With that her arms released and she pondered off to one of the spare rooms and didn’t look back..

So that’s how I turned down losing the V plates to one of the funniest, cutest girls I've ever met to play the ‘who can stay awake the longest’ game with my friends.. and I ended up sleeping on the landing alone.. I deserved it

Lost the V Plates a month or so later to someone who wasn’t anywhere near as funny or attractive.. but hell least I didn’t blow her off with a lame ass excuse..

No apologies for length.. but apologies for lack of 'teh funny'
(Wed 1st Nov 2006, 10:53, More)

» Dentists

Right your prolly going to feel a little prick...

Much like everyone else, my Dentist is a right old character (read:twat) who doesnt really seem to understand that when he's somehow managed to fit his entire latex'd hand into your mouth, its not really the best time for him to start asking you questions, and get annoyed when he can't understand your responses...

He also likes to speak about me in the third person like I'm not there to his assistant as he voyages through my mouth with annoying pokey stick; "well he has obviously been too lazy to brush back here, oh this is no good at all, I'm going to have words with him about this"

What's worst is when he breaks into a conversation he was having earlier with the assistant mid way through examination without changing his tone; "Yes i think we're going to need a filling here, oh yeah and I heard she's going to Italy on her holidays this year", que extremely odd expression from me...

On a side note, never arrange a business meeting to happen on the same day as having any dental work done, imagine a scene in a fairly expensive restaurant with a very important client where you are trying your best to drink soup, can barely talk and look like you've just had a stroke with half your face a couple of inches lower than the other side.... but did I get the contract? you bet your arse I did.. they thought it was hilarous and I guess they pity'd me :(
(Fri 3rd Nov 2006, 16:27, More)