b3ta.com user jon_tanner
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» Road Rage

Funniest thing my dad ever said....
We were driving somewhere or other years ago and I noticed my dad kept looking at the rear view mirror, slowly getting more and more aggitated at the dude following us too closely for comfort. Eventually my dad blurts out "Whats this dick doing up my arse!?!?" At least my laughter and his realisation defused his rage...
(Sun 15th Oct 2006, 21:43, More)

» Work Experience

Mohammed Ali
We had a work experience kid called Mohammed Ali at an educational book suppliers where I worked as a holiday job during my school days . Unfortunately he saw the post it note I put on a workmates computer reminding him that "Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee" will be starting on monday. This confused him, not because he thought he was being teased but more because he in no way got the famous Mohammed Ali reference. He had in fact never heard of him. As a result, we knew we had a bit of a dickhead on our hands and decided to have some fun. Here's a run down of the best of them:

• We convinced him that Rob, the smiliest, happiest and nicest person I have ever met used to work in an abattoir but had to quit as he liked the killing to much. We told him that was the reason for Robs constant smile. Rob has only ever worked at the book suppliers we were at. He has, to my knowledge, never killed a thing in his life.

• Will, the 65 year old man who worked with us just to keep his mind busy was actually a pirate radio DJ called DJ Glass. He was called this because his beats were so clear (wtf does that even mean!?!). Will to his credit kept the joke going by explaining how he liked hard house and garage music - how he used to hang out with his crew and bitches and finally how he loved cruising around Croydon in his slammed nova. Will actually collected Gretsch Guitars and hung out with his wife. He loved Country and Western. He also drove a Rover 214 with factory suspension and a halfords job of a stereo.

• We convinced him that Sue, who looked like her face had been dipped in Copydex and then had cornflakes thrown at it used to be a porno star and was also having an affair with the bosses wife. That was all bollocks. She was having an affair with the boss.

• Lastly myself and another disgruntled employee told him that if he couldn't fit all of the books we were posting to schools in one box it was ok to fold them or cut them in whatever way he needed to to make them fit. This led to a few hundred quids worth of returns.

On his last day, we explained how all of the above was just a "jape" and how we'd been winding him up. After looking at us for a few seconds then slowly looking angry, Mohammed looked like a light bulb had gone off in his head... he offered to make us all a tea. Funny enough, we said no.
(Thu 10th May 2007, 11:51, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Out they pop
A few weeks ago I was on holiday. Floating around the lazy river at the waterpark near where I was staying I looked up at just the right time to see a total hottie of an eastern european lady have her tiny bikini top washed away as she cruised under one of the many waterfalls. She didn't notice for a good 20 seconds or so. That was lucky. Not as lucky as the fact that her massive blonde haired, blue eyed monster of a boyfriend didn't scope me out looking at her though - that might have been bad.
(Fri 15th Sep 2006, 11:56, More)