b3ta.com user ForecastMonkey
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Gabba Gabba HEY!

Well it made me smile.


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» Sticking it to The Man

About eight or nine years ago,
I left my previous employer - a large, globally recognised American concern with various theme parks dotted about the world and having been stiffed on a bonus payment, extracted my petty payback on my last day. Possibly inspired by a post on B3TA (I wasn't so creative back then), I put a paperclip onto the photocopier and ran a ream of paper through before returning the paper back into the hopper.
Apparently this caused much confusion and an engineer call out the following Monday.

'Ave it!

This still makes me smile to this day.
(Fri 18th Jun 2010, 10:04, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

My other half promised me a "posh wank"
but all she did was rub a keyring up and down my cock.
I think I was fobbed off.

I'd say I was sorry for the poor quality of this joke but I've read worse already this week.
(Tue 22nd Feb 2011, 0:51, More)

» The Wank Bank

Kitten CAM
I will give most things a go and so a couple of years back I thought that I would try out "CAM 2 CAM", as is often advertised when accessing pron on the internet. Credits obtained, I found myself watching some young Eastern European lady on her sofa, legs splayed at a quarter to three.
As with live comedy, I rarely remember the detail of pron in the morning. So the reason I recall this scene with such clarity is not because the girl was frigging herself silly with a dildo but because she had a little kitten with her... and it wanted to join in.
This was clearly all a game to the little black furball who had climbed into the sofa. The in, out cycle bringing the toy almost within reach of the kitten and every time it came close, it flapped at the dildo in the "No Hands" style.
As a sexy experience, it was a write off but as a comedic moment, I thought it was epic!

/ re lurks
(Sun 26th Aug 2012, 2:33, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

Just remembered...
I will try and keep this brief.

Background: For many years I have attended the Worthing mixed hockey festival. Being a mixed festival, involving more alcohol than hockey, this has led to many relationships, several weddings and one baby. It has also meant a great many trips to A&E.
In 2009 one of our keepers stage-dived off a table in the beer tent and managed to face-plant on the hard plastic flooring, knocking himself out and leaving St Johns ambulence to pick up the pieces and the bar manager to wash away a great deal of claret. Later in A&E His face looked like a bag full of smashed crabs. His family were very upset and with his sister due to get married the following year, he needed to be constrained to prevent it happening again. So in 2010, to keep him on the floor, a Ball & Chain was created for him (using a kids medium sized plastic ball, a chain, cement and ankle cuffs from tinternet). Padlocked in place and with a chain too short to hold standing up, he was going nowhere fast.

The set up: Our hobbled hero had been planning to Tar & Feather another player (take one large tin of treacle and a feather pillow. Pour on the former, throw on the latter) but unable to give chase, he was soon out witted, hoisted by his own petard and covered in treacle and feathers.

The relevant bit: amusing as it was, no taxi was going to take him back to the hotel and so he needed to get clean. This was a two man job and so so it came to pass that somone walked in on two people in the communal showers, one naked, half covered in treacle and feathers and padlocked to a ball and chain, the other...not. It wasn't what it looked like.

Apologies for length, timing and content. If anyone can tell me how to post pictures, I will put one in replies. (EDIT - Pictures now in replies)

P.S. Posted from my shitty phone, so doubtless contains several spelling / gramatical errors. My bad.
(Mon 13th Dec 2010, 16:13, More)

» Absolute Power

Also works for bad management...
Absolute power corrupts. Also frequently turns you into an arsehole.

My old manager told various members of the team I was in, that whilst our peers in very comparable roles were getting a pay increase to bring them in line with Industry minimums, we wouldn't as one of his bonus KPIs was keeping the budget in check and pay increases would take us over the threshold. Fortunately his boss was our old one and he got it sorted for us but it was a sign of things to come.

The time that he really took the piss and showed himself as considering to be waaaaay above us mere mortals was after a shake up at the office. The new format meant we should have had 8 "indians" plus the 1 "chief". We only had 6 +1. Two of the others were due to go on holiday/ hospital and then convalesce for a fortnight and that left us with 4 to do the work of 8. In a team meeting he asked for ideas and it was suggested that he become hands-on for a fortnight and muck in. His reply? It's imprinted on the minds on all that were in the room:

"It's like this. I'm driving a car and you are the kids in the back seat. If one of you drops something I can turn around for a second and pick it up for you. However if I have to help for more than a moment, no-one is looking where we are going and we all crash". Silence reigned. Fists were clenched and tounges bitten. What a cunt.

A week later someone who missed the previous meeting also suggested (having not heard the story) that he should help out. The cunt said "I have an analagy for that". The rest of us cut him off and told him not to bother. He used every buzzword and phrase going and just spoke bollocks half the time. The only thing he was good for was bullshit bingo - the only time I have ever played this properly.

I feel much better having vented. Thank you.

Edit: for one single letter. You know who you are. Twat.
(Wed 14th Jul 2010, 12:44, More)
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