» Road Rage

Conkered
I couldn't work out why there are always conkers in the driver's door of the car I share with my dad. So I asked him. His answer was "I throw them at the cars of people who annoy me". His reasoning is that it doesn't do any harm to the body/paintwork and it wakes them up a bit.

So next time you are driving in London and aren't quick enough off the lights/block a junction/drive too slowly and hear a "doink" sound - look in your rearview mirror. If you see a large gleeful man in a tiny white Fiat, you've been conkered.
(Fri 13th Oct 2006, 12:23, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

When I was 14
I was madly in love with the poet Byron, who was inappropriately 186 years older than me. And dead too, of course.
Something to do with the whole mad, bad and dangerous to know thing.
(Wed 4th Oct 2006, 17:17, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Nasty Little Man
I got a job a few years ago working as a PA to the most horrible little man I have ever met. This is just a small example to show what a shit he is.
1. I was told (not asked) on my first day that I had to change my name - it is the same as his wife's and he didn't want to confuse anybody. I chose to call myself Flossietots. This was not allowed apparently, and I had to choose "something more memorable".
2. I also had to work for his thick wife 2 days a week, in their horrible over-designed house. She used to write letters to herself complaining about him and their incredibly over pampered lives, which she then hid under her mattress. When the housekeeper made the bed, she would find them and show them to me. They were hilarious. She was not.
3. He gave me a formal warning for saying in an email to the travel agent that "as usual, plans were likely to change at the last minute". He believed that it undermined his family's credibility, never mind that it was absolutely true.
4. I had to go on a business trip to his estate in Scotland. I was on the same early morning flight. But because when I checked in I hadn't changed my seat number to be near the front of the plane, (and so couldn't get off the plane quickly enough for his liking) he left me at the airport. I missed the ferry to his island, but instead of getting on the next flight back to London, I spent three horrible days taking minutes. I was a fool. He never apologised, and tried to charge me for the taxi fare I put on my expenses.
5. Due to the incompetence of all the women in his family/life, and his extreme chauvinism, he once spent ten minutes showing me how to change a lightbulb.

But the final straw came when I was instructed to make a series of weekly therapy appointments for their sweet, confused, spoilt and rather neglected daughter the week she turned 5. Bad parenting apparently can be fixed this way. God knows what has happened to the poor thing. Or the other 6 fucked up children (also all in therapy) from their previous marriages.
He may be a Marquess but he is missing any manners/sense of humour/decency/generosity/kindness.
Little shit.
(Fri 25th Jan 2008, 15:17, More)

» School Trips

Blind
We had a history teacher at my progressive sixth form college who rode to school on a tandem bicycle with his flatmate who was also a teacher. Anyway, although he taught history he came along on a geography field trip to Dorset for the fun of it. There was a girl on the trip who had enormous knockers and the history teacher went to her room before supper (can't remember why - but do know it was innocent). He knocked and she asked who it was, she was getting changed but let him in because he is blind. He stayed a few minutes and then joined the rest of us downstairs in the bar. When she joined us everyone cheered. She asked why and was told that he had seen her with nothing on. She said "But you are blind!" his retort? "Not THAT blind!"
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 16:28, More)

» Picky Eaters

Stupid cook
A few years ago I got a job working for some cattle musterers in the middle of nowhere in Australia. The previous cook had been sacked. She had applied for the job in Darwin which was a two day journey from the camp. When she arrived she was told that she had to cook three meals a day, and all meals would have beef as the main component. At this point she said "But I'm a vegetarian. I can't touch meat" She was sacked on the spot. I wish I'd had the opportunity to ask her what she thought she would be cooking on a cattle ranch... for cowboys.
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 17:31, More)