b3ta.com user monporn
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» Well, that taught 'em

taught him a lesson?!? pah!
when i was a broke-assed student in london i shared digs with some downright nasty people. Earls court might be a nice place to stay and all that, but shit you meet a few strange southern hemispheric weirdos. some of them smell weird. no offense.
so, this one time, around half way through my second year, the room near the bathroom (revolving door for backpackers) was taken up by a real nasty, racist scruff. he was travelling with this real wet dream (for a backpacker) of a blondie and had decided to stay a month in london before f#@king of to who cares where.
the problems began when when my bread, ham and another of my flatmate's mayonnaise started disappearing AND i found a very hideous, curly brown hair in my razor (the bastard previously looked like he had not shaved in a year). the flatmate and i talked about it and he decided to spunk up the mayo. we both did. i also decided to have a word with his companion about him not touching my toiletries again.
at first the pretty buzzard refused to believe that he could have used my razor and stuff, but gradually the evidence (one nasty hair) was convincing her. i think she had a word with him that evening while i was out because the other bloke said that he had caused a pretty racket after coming back from wherever he went. this made me feel bad for the bird so i decided to apologise to her. i did not manage to catch her on her own for over a week, but as we bumped into each other in the kitchen i apologised for making things awkward for her. she seemed pretty shy and was non-commital for a moment or two until she kissed me. without more details, i bought another razor, toothbrush and hid 'em, and had a cracking two weeks with a screaming bird while some South African cunt traipsed around London with his weird mates. bliss.
i have not eaten Mayo since.
apologies for everything wrong with this post.
(Sat 28th Apr 2007, 10:34, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

greatest witticism ever...
once while playing (or trying to) a few games of snooker down at my local Riley's before i moved out into the grassland, i drinkenly went to take the father of all pisses. while i waited for the flow to slowly dissipate i cast my glance around the room. presently it rested upon the condom Vending machine to my left. on the side of the box was inscribed the legend "manufactured and approved to British Standard BS3704 and EN 600 1996." directly under this sticker was the emblazonment of the thoughts of some great wag. his phrase, written pointedly in red marker was thus: "so was the Titanic"
another favourite that comes to mind if the old Saigon classic: "fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity." betcha taht soldier was court marshalled.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 8:48, More)

» Going Too Far

going too far?
As i walked down the road to my local, i was lost in thought. it took a coupla miles of trudging my lonely trudge for me to get back to earth and realise that, as i looked up terrorstricken, there was nothing but wilderness around me. I was in the bush.
but then it dawned onto my frozen conscience that i lived outside of east fife.
Had i gone too far? hardly.
the fuckin' pub was still 4 miles away.
Good riddance to bad landscapes.
I now live in alice.
(Sat 11th Nov 2006, 20:30, More)

» Childhood Ambitions

i wanted to do nothing.
thankfully i managed to do just fine until i posted this message and hence actually did something. drat.
(Sun 1st Apr 2007, 11:40, More)

» Puns

pun in ten did?
i wondered why the cricket ball in the air just kept getting bigger and bigger. for the life of me i could not figure it out - then it hit me!

what command would Prince William just hate to hear were he on the front lines awaiting orders? 'Fire at Will'
(Mon 9th Mar 2009, 13:45, More)
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