» Nightclubs

Just this Friday
Last weekend was at a great little rave down in Vauxhall, having the usual fun of not really having a clue which way is up.

Night progresses, and one of my mates is looking a little worse for wear on the dancefloor. This is not uncommon for him, and so I carry on having the seizure that passes for dancing while off your face.

Soon enough, he starts to retch, and I see his cheeks fill up with the good stuff. I give him the thumbs up and have a good laugh, after all, he was pilled up to the eyeballs, so the experience wasn't that bad for him.

What he did next made my night, and most probably the month. He grins as me as much as is possible with a mouthful of puke, tilts his head back, and gargles it like a particularly chunky variety of mouthwash. A good five seconds. Then a quick swallow and he was raving away like the drugged up bugger he is.

Good times
(Tue 14th Apr 2009, 23:21, More)

» Stupid Dares

The Cream Challenge
Pretty self explanatory. Back in secondary school a group of us used to always go into the local sainsbury's on the way to school, and fill our school bags with any random Basics range we could find.

One day whilst browsing the shelves, I stumbled upon the dairy section. I bought four pint pots of "extra-thick" triple cream. Lunchtime comes, and one of our group dares me and some mates to see who can down a pot the quickest.

Bad idea. Me and two others got through about a quarter of the pot before throwing up all over the place... thick, creamy puke. I managed to look up to see my best mate finishing off the last of his pot. He stood absolutely still for a good ten seconds, then threw up the most vile concoction of sick I've ever seen. We then all cleared off sharpish, leaving a huge collection of whitey/yellow thick spew over the floor.

To our glee, the mate who finished his complained of heart pains for the next week.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 14:54, More)

» Sleepwalking

Was really drunk
After being at a party, walking around downing random people's pints and running off, I somehow managed to get back home, and fall asleep on the sofa.

A while later, a few mates ring up asking to come round and do some chemical substances. I must've agreed, as a few minutes later I get a knock on the door. I drag myself up, let them in and immediately fall asleep again on the sofa.

From here is only what I've been told, as I was completely asleep...

One of my mates comes and sits next to me on the sofa. I stood up, dropped my trousers and whipped my tackle out, turn round and aim at my mate. He's sitting there tripping out on K, and didn't have the wits to realise what I was gonna do. I piss over him. He jumps up and I spend the next minute taking a huge piss over my sofa.

After I've finished, I fall over trying to pull my trousers up. Apparently I was lying on the arm of my sofa like a see-saw, and my face was going in and out of the puddle of piss on my sofa.

Was completely asleep the whole time!

Length? You love it really.
(Tue 28th Aug 2007, 15:28, More)

» Pathological Liars

School Lies
When is was in the later years of school, I had a serious problem with truanting. Serious as in if I went to one lesson once a week it would be a bloody miracle.

Obviously this could only go on so long before the school noticed. After a few months I got called in by the head of year. Now I have always been a liar when I come under pressure, but I even surprised myself with what I came out with.

Cancer. I said I had testicular cancer and was spending most of the time at the hospital, but I had been given the all clear now, since it had been caught early. I said I hadn't told my parents since I was too embarressed, and I would prefer to keep it that way. My teacher seemed to fall for it (I've always had a knack with blagging teachers,) and no mention was made to my parents. "I'll start being in school from now on" I told myself.

Of course this didn't happen, so after another month or so I get called in again to ask why I still had an attendance of below 30%. I asked whether this could be kept private, as it was regarding an ex-pupil of the school. I said my best mate had become a coke-addict and I was desperately trying to get him off the stuff by spending most of my time with him, stopping him from buying the charlie. I got away with this, even being praised for caring so much about my mate...

My parents didn't have a clue I missed so much school until they finally saw an end of year report saying how I'd missed pretty much every lesson for two years. There was no blag for that one.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 13:38, More)

» Conned

At work
I work in a gift shop selling random bits and pieces. A few months ago some person came in saying how nice one of our staff was, since she had help his mother pick out some gifts for his sister.

He then said that the sister had been run over by a car and killed, and he wanted to return the gifts, but he didn't have a receipt.

The owner of the shop felt that this was fine, since after all he had just lost a sister. We refunded the gifts he had and he left pretty sharpish. It was only later that we began to think about this... if you've just lost a sister surely you wouldn't be thinking about getting your money back on 30 quids worth of stuff. We later noticed the bastard had just taken stuff off the shelf, then took it up to the counter.

Fucking scumbag. Such a low thing to do, saying his sister is dead. We later found out that he had also conned over 200 quid off another shop down the road a few weeks before, producing an invoice for goods that didn't exist that required payment.

There are some fuckers out there.
(Thu 18th Oct 2007, 18:36, More)