b3ta.com user P3L3
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» Hypocrisy

I dont use racist language because racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
(Sun 22nd Feb 2009, 3:13, More)

» Buses

The other day i had a job interview...
...so I donned my Hugo Boss suit which only comes out on the rarest of occasions and set out for the interview looking uber-business like. Now I cant drive due to the man not giving me a licence for reasons i wont go into. So anyhow, I hop on the bus and zone out as you do. About halfway into town (i travel up wilmslow road, manchester, the busiest bus route in europe apparently) and as we stop at the university bus stop i see a dissheveled grey haired old man badgering two pretty young women who look absoloutly terrified! The door opens and i manage to catch him say 'well just wanted to tell you you have nice legs, are you not getting on? well see ya!'. I was amused until he payed his fare, ruefully commented to the driver 'They ignored me, its what people do' and turned toward me to take his seat: It was a lad I knew from high school, for the purposes of this story we shall call him Dale Dunbar (for that was his name, its ok he changed it to something else for fuck-knows what reason). Hes only a year older than me and he looked like a homeless person in his 50's!!! I immediately turned and gazed out of the window and luckily he either didnt recognise me or most probably didnt want to talk to me as much as i didnt want to talk to him.* He sat further behind me and started babbling as if having a conversation with somebody called 'rachel' even though there was nobody there ("I'll become a builder rach, its what you do to earn money in manchester, become a builder". Another encounter I had with the past was when I was temping at the company that deals with bus passes. He requested a concessionary fare pass due to disability. In the box where you were supposed to put what disability you have he wrote 'Women Problems'. I feel bad I wasnt always nice to him.

* back at school years ago, we had just finished playing football when dale realised he'd left his jumper (yes it was a goalpost) at the other end of the pitch. As he collected it he threw his head back swigging at a large fizzy-drink bottle full of water. Just for the why-the-fuck-not-ness of it i hoofed the ball high in the air hoping that it would land right on the end of the bottle but realising the chance of it actually happening were very very slim (he was literally at the other end of a near-fullsize football field). The ball, in slow motion rose up in the air, its trajectory was on target and was looking like a good kick. At the apex of its flight, he took a breath, then as the ball began to descend he continued drinking, the ball was still on target! My heart began to rise as i realised that the impossible lob might actually hit him! But I was unprepaired for how perfectly it connected with the bottom of the bottle as it was pointing toward the sky! I whooped with delight as the bottle was rammed down his throat at the same time as he splurted water all over the place, our friends who we were playing football with were in hysterics and amazed at this impossible shot and the walk home was a mixture of incredulity at the shot and hilarity at the expense of poor Dale. I cant help but think that this was possibly the event that turned an old school mate down a dark path that lead into his becoming 'that-weirdo' nobody wants to talk to.
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 1:31, More)

» Nativity Plays

I was The STAR!!!
I couldnt beleive my luck! I was the star that guided the 3 blokes who had gold and frankinsence or whatever. Anyway I was well chuffed until the day came for the big performance and I realised that I had absoloutly fuck all to say and just had to stand there while everyone else had lines. Raw Deal.
(Tue 31st Mar 2009, 19:55, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

It was the morning of my 8/9/10th birthday (approx).
Id been very very well behaved that year and I was looking forward to receiving my shiny new bicycle. My old one was too small and used to be pink before I painted it blue. I had been dreaming for months of a bright red BMX frame with shiny steel skyway wheels, whitewalled tyres, salle royale seat and stunt nuts of pure titanium. However I knew something was amis when I awoke that fateful day only to run downstairs and find....
Nothing. No Bike. No Birthday Present. So i asked my mum with a tear in my eye "Wheres my birthday prezzie mummy?" and to my delight she replied "Your dad has gone to get it!". Wringing my hands with glee I awaited my fathers return. For about 3 hours. When he finally came back I was presented with the most PATHETIC bike i had ever seen. It was a granny spec fold-away, fanny-barred, dirty-brown peice of shit, even my young formative mind could completely fathom what happened. I let him know just what i thought. I shouted at him at the top of my voice "THATS A PAKI BIKE!". Years later, upon being grilled on the subject, he confessed that he gambled my birthday present budget in the hope of getting enough together to get me a decent bike. Instead lost the lot and had to go to my grandfathers oldfolks home and 'borrow' a bike from there.
(Tue 1st Jul 2008, 3:17, More)

» Public Sex

Pretty Vanilla Really...
...I Was in Ibiza with my ex and after a hard nights clubbing we were making our way back to the hotel, I pointed out the sun would be up soon and we should watch the sunrise as is the tradition on the hippy trail (along with applause! whats that all about?). We sat under a tree on some wasteland that looked like it had been cleared to build a hotel on, chilled out, smoked some weed and generally lazed about fiddling with each others peripherals until it all got a bit beyond petting. This degenerated into a full blown shagging session which started to take its toll on my knees so I pulled her up from the ground and started taking her doggy style up against the tree. A min or two later as im getting to the vinegars, two lads are walking past the clearing (obviously unsuccessful on the pull), then to my horror one nudges the other, indicating our direction and they start walking over to where we are shagging away! What did they want? Did they see us?
As they get closer Im still pumping away at her arse while thinking what do I do now? Withdraw and spunk all over their shoes? Ask them to hold on a tick and I'll be with them in just a moment? All I could think of as they approached was to say "Sorry fellas, party for two". They shrugged their shoulders and walked off without a word.

EIDT: Seeing how everyone else did It, heres a link to google maps for the "rough" location.
I found the big egg in san an and worked my way back to where our hotel was, how cool is that? :D
(Thu 23rd Apr 2009, 21:30, More)
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