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I AM THE PARISIAN SEDUCTRESS! Which French Stereotype Are You?

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» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Mute nympho.
About a year and a half ago I went out with Jo. She seemed nice enough, little bit quiet (practically a mute) but still nice. We got talking on MSN and she soon revealed herself to be filthier than a French Binman.
I gave her my number and we started seeing each other, pretty much every night I was getting the filthiest of texts.

Having an attractive, nymphomaniac girlfriend is ideal right? Not as such.
It's like a threesome, in theory it's a glorious idea. In practice, it's tiring and sticky.

Jo could barely contain herself, I was being woken up at three in morning - college days, with her telling me how wet she was and the various filthy things she wanted to do to me.
(To be fair, she never repeated herself on what she wanted to do - such imagination.)

Naturally I kept texting her back - ladyfriends are rare for me.
But it was taking it's toll.
I was spending loads on keeping my credit topped up, she lived far away so getting her round and back was awkward (I was a student, my mum had to drive us).
The physical exertion as well, jeeesus.
She'd come round for the night and it would be 6 hours straight of action. No rest breaks, no 'lets just cuddle'. Non. Stop. Fumbling.

Eventually I realised I wasn't really into her - well, I was into her (repeatedly), but not *into* her - so I spoke to her about it.

We stayed together for a few more weeks.

I hatched a plan. You see, I always satisfied her, despite her insatiable appetite.


She was coming around one weekend, so I spent the week prior, furiously wanking at any opportunity. My plan was to tire myself so much, that I wouldn't be able to perform.
And, y'know, what use is a broken boyfriend (her words*) to the sexual equivalent of the energiser bunny?

By the end of the week 'red raw' didn't cover it. The preacher was well and truly punished. The purple helmeted warrior had fallen in combat. The poor euphemism was fully wanked out.

She came round and then spent an uncomfortable evening being poked by what could only be described as "the worlds smallest cumberland sausage" (her friend's words).

3 days later she told me it wasn't working out.
5 days later she got drunk and (reportedly) shagged 5 different people at a party.

Take lesson from this, if your soon-to-be-ex-ladyfriend has an insatiable lust that's doing you no good - wank yourself stupid.

*One of the few times she properly spoke to me.

Length, like a small cumberland sausage apparently.
(Tue 10th Jun 2008, 12:52, More)

» Evil Pranks

The special needs groups that dominate the college cafeteria at lunch are a veritable fountain of mirth.

Of all the 'pranks' we've played on them, the ones that have yielded the finest results were:

Gluing a £1 coin to the floor of the Refectory where they frequent.
This has caused (time and time again) much hilarity as we (I) watch them scratch the floor with their webbed appendages, trying desparately to become slightly wealthier.
However, their methods have evolved in recent weeks.
Lately they've taken to using knives and forks to free it and on Friday, wheelielad (aptly named due to him being in a wheelchair) lowered one of his footplates to the floor and rolled into it repeatedly until one of the carers stopped him.
This cursed pound has also led several fights (SPACKFIGHTS) amongst the group over who gets it. The best was when Ashley (7ft, big puffer jacket, Cerebal Palsey) rugby tackled Peter (Creepy pervy mong) when he went to pick it up.

I also have a friend, who will bet them (very frequently) 10p that they can't lick their elbows. They're an eager bunch I'l give them that. While doing this was funny for a while, it soon lost it's touch.
That is until we hit upon the idea of making them do it in the middle of the lunchline on a busy day.

I'd imagine in a few years I'll feel a right bastard for doing this.

Click 'I like this' if you think I should film SPACKFIGHTS and make a profit out of it.
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 21:08, More)

» We have to talk

Ultimate tragedy...
"We have to talk..." said she.

We talked, for 6 cocking hours.

I almost shot myself.
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 23:15, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

College Spacks or "out the window with political correctness"
At college we seem to have an overwhelming amount of spacks. They vary in age, from about 15 to 60.
And my collection (rubbish past QOTW reference) of friends and I have named them, based on their twitches, voices, cognitive skills and features, so I bring to you my top 10 list of college mongs! (Ranked by how hilarious they are)

10. The leg slapper - he slaps his leg and then cries because someone is hitting his leg.

9. The screecher - ginger, massive overbite that may cause some to say "oh my! what a huge overbite!" and a voice that sounds like a banshees throat being rubbed over corregated iron which is then amplified via megaphone.

8. Lucy's boyfriend - this one fancies my friend Lucy, she's 17, he's 40ish, balding, with an eye off centre and feels the need to collect all the rubbish of everyones tables, put it in his bag (which I can only assume contains all his work) and then chuck the bag in the bin. Also likes to cruise around p-diddy style in the trailer of the College lawnmower.

7.The monkey - This LOL (little old lady) bears a striking resemblence to a monkey, albeit, an overweight monkey in a blue anorak. She also has the whole bottom jaw thing going that is best illustrated on the picture of Sir Trevor Mcdonald which currently resides on the front page.

6. El Gigante - Big. Absurdly big. Big like a whale. She's big and always opens doors the wrong way, giving it the appearence that she is somehow trying to spite a door. Hilarious.

5. Mister. S. Pack - He waddles around with a permanent look of disgust and elation on his face. He'll join in anybodies conversation no matter what the topic matter. Even if it's a conversation filled with anti-mong sentiments.
Also likes to rub himeself in a manner of ways on the bollards outside reception.

4. GingerJames - Big, very ginger and called James. Like Mister S. Pack, he'll join in any conversation. Unlike Mister S. Pack he adds unintentionally hilarious topics into the conversation.
"HAY! I thfink theresf too muchk adult materi-ull on the inter-nnnet. Do you likeuh scroo-fix direct?"
"But James, isn't that adult material?"
That was a very stupid thing to say... he got angry... Incredible Hulk angry.

3. Mr. Videogame - About 30 and everyday comes in convinced he is a videogame character (which character varies from day to day).
By far the funniest have been the day he was convinced he was some sort of World of Warcraft warrior (in which he took a used roll of wrapping paper and ran down the the canteen screaming in what some believe to be elvish.)
Better than this was when he was convinced he was Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series.
He spent the entire day sneaking around with a sock-bandana on his head, in the sneaky hunch postion doing various snake mannerisms which consist of:
Hiding under a box and walking around.
Crouching under the tray rail of the canteen, back against the wall and sliding along it, only to stop every 5 metres to sneak a peek at what might be hidden under every short skirt
And crawling about on the floor.

2. Mr. Muh? - His grasp of reality can only be described as 'poor'. He has half a beard presumably from when he got distracted shaving. He also appears to make up where the entrances and exits are. For example, last Monday he walked into the same wall twice and then asked someone nearby why the door was locked. This happens frequently.

1. The Entertainer/47/So-ja Boy! - Some days he comes in dressed in a similar manner to Agent 47 from Hitman, other days it's in complete army fatigues (complete with march and salute to the canteen workers.)
But, when he's in entertainer guise, it's magic.
He practically becomes Frank Sinatra, just without the vocal talents.
I-pod in hand (and ear) He does dance routines, and sings along to music such as Frank Sinatra, The rat pack and the Big Bopper.
Defining moment? When he tries to lay his version of Ole' Blue eyes' charm on any lady in the vicinity.

There you have it. My top 10.
Some may say this was harsh, I merely consider it rating natures entertainers.

Also, they nick all the tables at lunch. Bassards.

Apologies for length n that. But I do bereave that they deserve their ratings.
(Sun 21st Jan 2007, 11:15, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

I too...
Know where Yoda's Bong is coming from.
Big on brains, long hair, took drama, should've just painted a target.

Chav bullies in my maths class kept turning around and spitting on me and the two people either side.

The girl next to me worked their timing out to a tee.
They turned around for the final time....

She lunged and stabbed the leader in the tounge with a compass.
And lo, it was a glorious day for geeks everywhere.

Good times.
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 22:24, More)
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