» DIY Techno-hacks

Things I have learnt through trying to fix my motorcycle
1. Once you disconnect the fuel line, switching the valve to 'on' does cover you in petrol.

2. Regardless of the deadly current/voltage involved, insulation tape will always do.

3. Engine oil tastes horrible.

4. Once you take most of the engine out, the rear wheel locks. So if you give up halfway through the job, you have to pick up the bike by its arse end and carry it into the garage.

5. You can get hernias from:
a. Using your thigh to push a spanner on a really stubborn bolt
b. Using your thigh to stop the bike falling on you
c. Using your thigh to kick the bike to 'teach the bloody thing a lesson'

6. If you want to 'know what that button does', refer to the Haynes manual first, rather than pressing it.

7. Fixing a bike is so ludicrously manly that for every hour of fixing a bike, you can take 20 minutes to mince around the house in a tutu singing "I'm a little teapot" and nobody can call you a shirt-lifter. Any longer and you probably like the cock

I never apologise for length. After all, the longer it is, the more torque I can get out of it.
(Mon 24th Aug 2009, 10:05, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

I and I been havin a real busy day
Jah had a whole lot in store for me but I and I be kept bein distracted by Babylon.

So I and I wrote a list of tings to do:

8:00: Tend ta dreadlocks
9:30: Smoke da gange
13:00: Go on b3ta

Out of all da tings I and I be doing today, dis appointment be ma biggest.
(Wed 2nd Jul 2008, 13:23, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

This, as the French may say, "prenez le biscuit" in terms of pointlessness
Whenever the "piracy is a crime" messages appear on the screen at the cinema, me and my mates always shout;

"Y'argh matey"

in slightly peeved-sounding pirate voices.
(Mon 23rd Jul 2007, 13:30, More)

» We have to talk

Wife: Honey, we have to talk
Wife: If I died, would you remarry?
Husband: Err...no of course not!
Wife: You don't enjoy marriage?
Husband: Yes I do....er...maybe I would remarry
Wife: Would you still live in this house?
Husband: I suppose so, it is a nice place to live.
Wife: Would she sleep in this bed?
Husband: I guess, its a good bed to sleep in
Wife: Would you play golf together, just like we do?
Husband: Well, that is when we have the best times together
Wife: Would she use my clubs?
Husband: Nah, she's left-handed.


Husband: Shit
(Tue 24th Apr 2007, 13:44, More)

» Call Centres

tarbin's top ten tips for pissing off cold callers
10. Answer the phone with "Blue bear, blue bear, this is red bull", and before agreeing on having a conversation, get them to say the 'secret phrase'

9. Agree with something they never said: "Yeah, shoot em all. It's the only language they understand"

8. Answer the phone with "Chello, Mexican embassy? *sneeze* Chow can I chelp joo?"

7. Answer the phone with "Jim's taxidermy? You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!"

6. Shout every third word of your sentence. Or do it in some sort of Fibonachi sequence.

5. Mimic the accent of the other guy on the phone. Works particularly well with Northerners.

4. Pretend they have called the local Chinese restaurant, and keep confirming with them that they want "Number Fifree free wiv rice".

3. Cry down the phone and keep asking them why nobody understands your 'crippling emotional dysfunction'.

2. Keep asking 'why?' at everything they say.

1. Pretend to be interested in what they are saying, then slowly make the conversation more and more surreal. Some suggestions include:
a. pretending you are interested in taking a loan because you are an international criminal who spent too much money trying to kill James Bond, before realising that he doesn't exist.
b. pretending you are interested in double glazing in order to 'stop the bees getting me'
c. pretending you need that new car loan in order to drive to your new giraffe farm. Those giraffes won't be able to teach themselves the harmonicca, eh!
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 12:23, More)