» Not Losing Your Virginity

6 Years!
One of the blokes I shared a flat with at uni was about the most unlucky person I've ever known in my whole life (Typical event: Goes on holiday falls into an empty swimming pool on the first day and broke his leg)
Since the age of 14 (he was at this point 20) he had been seeing a devoutly religious girl who didn't believe in sex before marriage (Or any other kind of funny business short of dry kisses). He it must be said was not and had been dutifully waiting 6 years to get his leg over on his wedding day.
Twice a week he would drive 2 hours from our halls to his GFs house spend a couple of chaperoned hours and then drive home again (She never visited us once heaven forbid she would go to a house full of single men).
So anyway after 6 years of blue balls and unconvincing claims in the union bar that he thought waiting for true love was very noble he comes back one day and says
"It's over..."
I say "Shit, what happened?"
"She was sleeping with someone else behind my back"
"Bloody hell mate, I'm sorry how long has this been going on?"
"She says she met him a couple of weeks ago"
My reply was essentially "!!!?!?!?!?!??!??!!?!!"

6 FUNTING YEARS!!!!!!
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 21:27, More)

» Useless advice

Chefs Crab Ruse
Many moons ago I worked as a pot washer in a god awful restaurant.

One of the pastry chefs had a rather attractive girlfriend who the head chef had taken a shine to.
The head chef was a nasty piece of work and as a result told the pastry chef that what girls really liked was a man with shaved balls as it was what all the porn stars did and it made the old chap look a good inch longer.
When the trusting fool did this (Giving his scrote a nasty nick in the process) the head chef promptly told his missus that he had shaved his knackers because he had caught crabs from a prozy leaving him on the couch for a month.
I think he may have regretted taking that pearl of wisdom on board.
(Tue 24th Oct 2006, 10:32, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Squirt
When I was at 6th form one of the chaps in my class had a fixation with loosing his virginity that was virging on slightly worrying even for a teenage boy it was almost like he was dragging his red hot nads arround in a wheelbarrow.
The object of his affection was bizarely enough the not especially attractive school bike, but he was terrified to so much as look at her dispite the lenghty stories of what he would like to do with her which he would regale us with given half a chance.
He and the lass were both at a classic teenage hooch and shagging on coats teenage party when me and a couple of my mates explained to her about his sorry condition.
"Right then" she said, made a bee line for him and dragged him up the stairs.
Once upstairs she lay on the bed and unzipped him however the touch of her hand was far too much for him to take in his excited state and he emptied his custard all over her thighs just inches short of the target.
A few minutes later she came down stairs and explained exactly what had happened to anyone who would listen, poor bastard.

Still it didn't stop us calling him squirt for the rest of his school career
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 14:36, More)

» World of Random

Shepherd's Bush Green = Nutter Island
It's probably gentrified a bit since they built the bloody great Westfield shopping centre, but when I lived there it was a haven for nutters.

Memorable examples include:

A bloke with no shirt, or shoes (in January) running across the green eyes spinning shouting: "I AM ON CRACK! SOMEBODY KILL ME!"

The guy who sold drugs at the tube station by asking people if they wanted to buy a "Travelcard". (Not only is selling fake/used Travelcards still a crime thus a crap cover story, but confused tourists would regularly try and buy Travelcards from him)

The bloke who mugged a friend of mine with the immortal line "Give me your wallet, or I'll break your glasses"

The scary looking guy who jumped out on me and a mate and shouted "I've got a knife, Give me all your money!" and then playfully patted my shoulder and said "Only kidding mate" and walked off chuckling to himself.

I don't miss the place...
(Sun 24th Apr 2011, 2:23, More)