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SPEEDCOREDAVE.CO.UK


For all my music shit!

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» IT Support

In my school
I'm something called a 'Student technician', So like the student version of IT Support. I love it! i get free hardware, can ban people AND Get told to fuck up the school network.

There is one thing i hate about my 'Job'

Chavs

Nearly every fucking period that we get to use the PC's, i get shouted at. "DAVE, HOW DO I DO IT." and "DAVE ITS GONE WRONG" and "DAVE MY PC HAS FROZEN HELP" are all the fucking questions i get swamped with every day.

But there is one Chav, who is the queen of all chavs.

Trixie

She wears pink, constantly. Always sucking on a fucking lollipop, wears 20 tones of make-up all the time, wears MASSIVE High-heels and smells like booze and weed everytime we come into contact.

Anyway, I was writing some instructions on word as part of my course-work. i could hear her shout to the teacher, "OI, MISS, HELP ME" constantly for about 10 minutes. My teacher just ignored her, good for him! But the inevitable happened

"OI, DAVE! COME ERE"

Being the helpful type and the fact that i had finished everything i had to do, i thought Fuck it. And went over to her.

"DAVE, How can you type so fast, and i do it so slow *kisses teeth*" She said
"Well, its practice really" I said
"No its not, you're cheating i can see you"
"Err, no im not, i can just type fast, Google touch-typing and learn yourself! Its really easy"

Now, i think this is a reasonable response, yes?

"NO DAVE, YOU ARE CHEATING, TELL ME OR I WILL GO FUCKING MENTAL" She shouted back at me
"Woah, just learn"
"NO TELL ME!"
"I just did!"
"FUCK YOU!!!"

At that moment, she ripped out the keyboard from the back of the PC And smashed it into the Monitor,

"FUCK YOU DAVE YOU MASSIVE BOFF" She screamed at me and then smashed the key-board on the table. By this point every person in the room was looking at her. It took about 4 people to restrain her from doing anything else. She caused about 300's worth of damaged, and got pissed 'Because she broke one of her expensive nails' (Yes, really) But my teacher put the icing on the cake when she said

"Trixie, you really are a retard cunt"

The entire class erupted in laughter, She then proceeded to storm out of the class, and then out of the school. I never saw her again.

Well, that was hilarious.

After the lesson, my teacher and i was called to the heads office to explain what happened. I gave my statement and so did he. The head piped up to say
"Mr. xxx, it seems you called trixie an obscenity after this event" said the head
"Yes, im sorry i did. I have to admit to that." My teacher replied. My teacher is ace i wouldn't want him to be suspended after a little cunt had a go at me

But then, the head shook his hand and said

"Good man!!" We all laughed and went on about this stupid excuse for a person for about half-an-hour. At the end she gave me a Permanent early lunch pass, meaning i get to cut the que at the canteen.

One of the best days ever. :)
(Thu 24th Sep 2009, 19:49, More)

» Call Centres

I sometimes get calls from T-mobile on my phone
I have never understood this, i'm with 3
A few days ago i did have an amusing one


So, i just carry on

"Hello, is this *so and so*"
"Err, sorry no this is her sons phone"
"Oh thats great!, now to prove your identity, i need your account number with us"

Now, i have no idea if i even had one, so i do what i do best. Annoy people.

ME "Oh wait, i think my mum is here"
"Oh great, can you put her on?"
*gives phone to friend*
"THIS IS THE COLNOL SPEAKING"
"Hello! Are you intr-"
"THE COLNOL IS NAKED"
"Im sorry, what?"
"THE COLNOL HAS ACKNOLAGED YOUR OFFER"
"Oh good! So you know-"
"THE COLNOL IS GOOD"
"Im sorry, i did-"
"THE COLNOL IS GOD
*me laughing*
"Right, are you serious about this before i can continue?"
"*skkdsks* Sorry, my mum is under alot of stress"
"I can see."
"Want to speak to my brother?"
"Ok then, if thats best"

At this point my mate tries a different approach, he rings up one of those gay-chat lines on his phone, and puts his phone on speaker next to the phone with the cold-caller

"Hello there this is is *name*from t-mo-"
"Alright sexy, get your pants off and get ready for a wanking"
*click*

Best. Thing. Ever.
(Tue 8th Sep 2009, 21:01, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

I cant really say colleagues, but i can say how thick as absolute shit some people are in my school
All of these are sadly 100% True :(

For starters. There is a girl in my school who genuinely asked
"Whats a fish?"

Someone said to me "I'm part french, swedish and bristolish"
me: "Bristolish?"
them: "Yeah my nan was born in bristol"

Someone also told me that they thought that Belguim was the capital of Germany

Oh and this

Me: *Photoshopping a picture of Barak obama*
Thickcunt: He's Osama Bin Laden you know
Me: What?
TC: Yeah there was this thing on the internet where the put the faces together and they were exactly a alike
Me: You should really know not to belive everything on the internet.
TC: But if it isnt true why would it be on the internet?
Me: If the internet told you that Shakespeare invented soup, would you belive it?!
TC: Did he?! Wow thats amazing!
*HEAD DESK*

"Since when was Scotland a country?" someone once said to me after learning about the British isles

A Girl in my year thought it would be a FANTASTIC idea to hole punch her hair, because she thought having a hole in it would look awesome.. You can guess how that ended up

Someone trying to impress me with long words said "I'm going to take your idea into condensation"

Me and a friend convinced someone that we went on holiday to mars

And this just has to top them all..
In chemistry we were learning about how water had impurities in them, and how it can conduct electricity, but distilled water cant cause of the compounds and blahblahblahblah.. Anyway. Teacher says that this is the reason why people die when they drop electrical appliances in the bath. This one girl puts her hand up and shouts out

"What.. So, what if you was cooking some toast yeah. and a tidal wave hits ya. BANG! DEAD"

*Stunned silence*

I cant fucking wait for college
(Fri 4th Mar 2011, 0:55, More)

» Advice from Old People

My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
i'm a fucking diabetic.
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 16:21, More)

» Call Centres

I love cold-callers
I pretend that they are sex-lines

EG
CC: "hello there are you intrested in-"
ME: "OH YES, RUB IT GOOD"

ect
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 19:57, More)
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