b3ta.com user clumsyeloquence
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» Pathological Liars

Pony Girl
My boyfriend and his best mate managed to convince the mate's little sister, aboout 8 at the time, that when she reached the grand old age of 10 she would have the opportunity to choose whether she wished to spend her remaining years as a human or a horse.

She couldn't wait to become a horse, and was devastated when she remained human and realised that you should never trust an elder sibling, as they are all bastards.
(Sat 1st Dec 2007, 18:53, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Weeing fail
Last week I was out with my boyfriend and a friend of ours (let's call him Matt). We were supposed to be having productive discussions about a project but instead ended up going on a pub crawl, blagging our way into a club, missing the tube and drinking Scotch on the night bus home at 3am. When we arrived at a stop near my and the boyfriend's house we popped into a 24 hour shop for some more booze and, upon reaching the counter, realised that Matt had disappeared.

Since he didn't know the area and was quite compehensively wankered, I decided to go and stand outside the shop and call him. To my surprise, he answered.

'Matt! Where are you?' I asked.

'I'm across the road pissing on a bin,' he said cheerily.

I looked up and Matt was, indeed, across the road pissing on a bin. So it was as he raised his arm to wave to me that he dropped his brand new iPhone on the floor, where the screen smashed into little bits and, leaning down to rescue it whilst still in mid-stream, fell over into his own unpleasant puddle and simultaneously deposited fresh piss all over his legs.

Poor Matt.
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 14:03, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

The various pellet gun stories on here have just brought back a rather painful memory.

After a typical teenage night of drinking vodka on the street, I went back to a male friend's house with another male friend. After rolling a particularly horrible spliff with a piece of A4 paper, pritt stick and no tobacco, I proceeded to pass out.

My wonderful, wonderful friends decided it would be appropriate to wake me up by SHOOTING ME IN THE VAGINA WITH A BB GUN.

I think I am one of the few girls who can honestly empathise with the pain men feel when they are kicked in the balls.
(Fri 20th Jul 2007, 22:26, More)

» Body Mods

More disturbingly...
My MOTHER (who is a DOMINATRIX) has a huge number of piercings, including both nipples and her clitoral hood, and has had some sort of extreme surgical mod involving her labia. I didn't like to ask for any more details; she may be into bizzare physical scarring, but I'm not into enough mental scarring to incur thousands of pounds of therapy fees.
(Thu 30th Nov 2006, 23:17, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

Rich men are the best
I went to my office Christmas party at an obscenely posh hotel bar/ restaurant last year all dolled up in an expensive dress, with absolutely no intention of shagging any of my low-grade male colleagues, being in a long-term relationship.

Within the hour I was being chatted up by a couple of execs from some energy company who'd been negoiating a business deal. They bought me hundreds of pounds' worth of champagne before casually asking if I would like to accompany them to their hotel room. I declined. They sloped off happy in the knowledge that they'd given it their best shot, and probably drafted in an escort to do the job.

I guess they were right when they said money can't buy you love. Nice tits, however, will get you a ton of free stuff.
(Sat 14th Apr 2007, 18:09, More)
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